UKIP Manifesto

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Ukip
The UKIP "Pound logo". Stolen from Uncyclopedia's excellent UKIP article.

UKIP is a political party committed to delivering The United Kingdom from the curse of Liberalism that has lead to:

  • The decline of Britain as a world power,
  • Filling our streets with foreigners,
  • A diminished respect for the law,
  • Fostered the growth of an uneducated and disenfranchised population (the shirking class), and
  • Caused Global warming.

UKIP has purposefully avoided electoral success for fifteen years in order to prepare the manifesto that will take Britain forward into the Twentieth Century. Our manifesto is built upon Seven Pledges which will put right all that is wrong with this great nation. The Seven Pledges are immutable; they will never be broken (unless we get the chance to form a coalition government). They are:

  • A Strong Offence Policy,
  • Engender Respect For The Law,
  • Improve Standards Of Education,
  • Reduce Racial Tension,
  • Tighter Border Control,
  • Rebalance Foreign Trade Deficit,
  • Token Environment Policy.

Our manifesto has been extensively market tested by our experts in Kettering. Many of the policies were uploaded onto the Coalition[1] Government's 'Spending Challenge' website by renowned political thinker markpaulwoodhouse[2]. The policies proved so popular that the Liberal dictatorship prevented access to the policies, as their servers became over-loaded and caused Global warming.

We have also consulted with foreign governments on our proposals (where they are capable of understanding English). Foreign governments are generally supportive of a strong independent Britain that is part of the USA. French President Nicolas Sarkozy provided a ringing endorsement when we telephoned recently:

Cquote1 Qui est ceci ? Sacre Bleu! Carla Bruni est sur le point de me donner un job de blow. Idiot !

Translation: What a wonderful idea. A strong and independent Britain that is part of the USA would permit France to once more pursue its historic policy of starting European wars and asking Britain for help when it invariably goes tits up. With a strong independent Britain being part of the USA, there would be no need for Britain to ask the USA for help when the war inevitably goes tits up for Britain.

Cquote2


A Strong Offence Policy

Terrified crowd
French people or some other type of foreigners terrified of Britain in the good old days

Divert all welfare spending to nuclear weapons

Foreigners laughing
French people or some other type of foreigners laughing at Britain in July 2010

Over 50 years of the Welfare State has seen Great Britain decline from world superpower to a laughing stock. Prior to the Second World War, Britain and the British Empire were respected across the globe, and the populace were literate, polite and knew their place. There is an obvious link between this nation's decline and the ever increasing welfare burden.[3]

All welfare spending should cease immediately and the money saved diverted to the military in order to build a significant nuclear arsenal that the French and communists don't snigger at.

Once the new arsenal is established, diplomats can be withdrawn from other countries and the UN. We could then make it clear to any nation that thinks it's hard enough that we don't negotiate. This strategy would need to have credence, so it would be important to pick a fight with a small nation (say Belgium) at the outset in order to demonstrate resolve and capabilities. The withdrawal of diplomats would stop Global warming caused by the aluminium foil found on Ferrero Rocher. The reversal in climate change would prevent seagulls becoming the size of small aircraft, probably[4].

Implementing a strong offence policy

Instead of receiving child benefit, parents will receive a letter detailing the yield and serial number of an individual war head. Multiple independent re-entry vehicle warheads could be reserved for people who are the parents to multiple births. Parents will then name the warhead/MIRV after their child/children. This would discourage left wing people, hippies and peaceniks generally from having children.

Head and shoulders nurses
Fit nurses in military style uniforms. Wahey!

Provision of healthcare would be provided by the military on a basis of need. This will put a stop to liposuction, breast enlargements, brazilians and botox type treatments on the NHS. Nurses' uniforms would be restyled like American nurses in the 1940's, they wouldn't be mingers and they would sing a lot, as seen in that recent Head & Shoulders shampoo advert[1].

Similarly, education would be provided by the military. This would be limited to the provision of subjects that support the military-industrial complex i.e. maths, sciences, engineering and biochemistry. Men at university would smoke pipes and wear smart clothes and brogues. Women at university would do the cooking and cleaning. Some attractive women could be given administrative roles so that they can fall in love with research scientists who are working late on an important new offensive weapon. All computers will be banned from universities; blackboards and chalk will be used instead. These will be backed up by typewriters (used by women - attractive ones, once they take off their glasses and shake out their hair).

Mumbai call centre
Computer simulated image of a call centre during a diplomatic crisis of the future

The diplomatic service could be out-sourced to a call centre in Mumbai. Highly trained call centre workers would use a simple script that gave the caller the option of either capitulation or armageddon. The theme song from Minder would be a nice relaxing tune whilst foreign governments were on hold. To provide an air of menace, PJ & Duncan's Lets Get Ready To Rumble could be substituted at times of increased tension.

Where Britain needed to initiate a negotiation, then the call centre could be used to contact foreign governments whilst they're having their tea after a hard day's work.

The military-industrial complex would provide unlimited employment. The feckless and ne'er-do-wells could be employed in irradiated areas without the expense of shielding by issuing them with brand new 'radio-active proof' shell-suits.

The polar regions could be used as testing grounds for the new warheads. This would speed up the melting of the polar ice-caps. Once the ice-caps had melted, scruffy long haired people wouldn't be able to whinge about them receding any more and there would be more room in the media for real, fact based, science articles.

It would probably be best to keep the USA on side with this one.

Engender Respect For The Law

Give the police flash cars and guns

Happy policeman
An officer of the law after reading our manifesto.
Sad policeman
Unhappy officers at morning parade. This tragic scene is played out everyday in the UK

Police officers need to enjoy themselves like anybody else. Presently they are spending far too much time dealing with drunken brawls in kebab shops and the domestic situations so beloved of the shirking class[5]. A law should be passed requiring police forces to buy fast cars and unfeasibly large guns. All officers should be forced to abandon their uniforms and switch instead to casual wear.

Fast cars and guns coupled with a relaxed attitude to civil liberty transgressions would cheer our police force up no end.

This idea could be funded by filming the exploits of the reformed and rejuvenated police in action; all rather similar to 'Police, Camera, Action'. Additional benefits to the UK economy would be derived by an increase in 'Cop' films, to levels similar to those seen in the USA. The resultant drop in road journeys by criminals would stop Global warming and prevent flamingos causing air-crashes at Heathrow by clogging up the engine intakes[6].

Creating respect for the law

  1. Pass a law as above.
  2. Chief constables to get down to the local sports car dealer and spend.
  3. Police to drive round at speed enjoying life and taking pot shots at drug-taking, bleeding-heart liberals; the unemployed; students and anyone who looks at them funny.

Improve Standards Of Education

Make teachers wash more frequently

The ills of the education system are due to the fact that most teachers have never had a real job and still think that they are students[7]. By enacting legislation that would force teachers to adopt similar standards of dress and hygiene that are the norm for Britain’s workforce, educational standards will be raised immeasurably.


Improving education

Present day teachers
Present day teachers
Smart teachers
Smart teachers of the future. Note these teachers still have liberal tendencies despite washing regularly and wearing smart clothes

The law as a minimum will address the fundamental issues that lie at the heart of the left wing conspiracy that has subverted our education system since 1936. Teachers will be required to wash at least once a day and change their clothes daily. BO detectors, similar to airport metal detecting portals could be invented and installed at every school in the country to police this policy. Miscreants would have their VW campers confiscated and would have to walk to school in line with their own Global warming propaganda.

To encourage economic activity in the real world, teachers would be required to update their wardrobe at least annually and also banned from eating student food such as Pot Noodle and Rustler burgers.

In order to gain a perspective on reality, teachers will be forced to use at least 80% of their 26 weeks annual holiday in a real job in the real world.

To provide a cultural balance to our somewhat (admittedly) draconian proposals a website will be established to promote fit women teachers (the URL foxyteacherslutz.com is available).This will encourage attractive women who are not necessarily intelligent into the profession thus providing a sustainable benefit to the wider community.

To avoid the the growth of a subversive liberal underground teachers' organisation, teachers are to be banned from listening to hippy music and having left wing arty posters.

Reduce Racial Tension

Become a state of the USA thereby making everybody foreign

The UK government should apply to become a state under the United States federation. This would then make everybody in this country a foreigner.

East euro fruit picker 2m mansion hookers
East European fruit pickers in their £5.6M Kensington mansion spending their £80,000 benefits on high class prostitutes yesterday.

Benefits

Upon becoming a state of the USA the current population would all become foreigners. As foreigners everybody will be given a £2M Kensington mansion to live in rent free as well as at least £80,000 a year in state benefits[8].

There are obvious benefits to becoming part of a technologically advanced nation like the USA. Given that the USA have put a man on the Moon over 40 years ago (probably), our space programme would once more be ahead of India's. Other technological advantages that the USA currently possesses would be transferred to the mainland (UK). Probably the most tangible benefits would be bigger and more thrilling theme park rides and bigger cars that would be able to do stunts like on the A-Team. There would be an unprecedented increase in TV Channels, making the launch of Channel 5 pale into insignificance in comparison.

Whilst there are already cultural similarities between our great nation and the USA, becoming a state of the USA would provide a boon and restore national pride to Victorian levels. The national soccer (football) team would again give a dam about their performance.

In terms of the environment, we wouldn't have to travel to the USA for our holidays (as we would already be there). This would save plane journeys and stop Global warming and arrest the well documented increase in the size of elephants' ears[9].

Drawbacks

In order to blend in with normal US citizens, the vast majority of the UK population would have to become overweight, ignorant and opinionated. Actually we're probably there already with this one.

Tighter Border Control

Adopt a 'nightclub' style immigration policy

Communist and Liberal propagandists will attempt to convince you that this policy is founded on race hatred. Au contraire mes amis Nothing could be further from the truth. Our policy is based upon sound environmental science relating to Global warming.

Foreign people consume lager in a frenzied manner involving violence, sex and sly behaviour, whereas British people imbibe real ale whilst propounding advanced theories of astrophysics[10]. Hidden within this wry social observation lies the prime driver of global warming. Our research reveals that lager contains excessive amounts of carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is apparently a green house gas and is widely reported to possess a chemical formula[11]. A green house gas is a bad thing[12]. Our policy is simple: Control the foreigners; control Global warming.

Our intention is to scrap all the various agencies presently responsible for controlling the UK's borders. These organisations are presently populated with liberals who despite being issued with smart uniforms still manage to look scruffy and ineffective. Most of them are stationed in Calais and spend British tax payers money on prospectuses inviting foreign johnnies into this country to live in £7M Kensington mansions on £90,000 a year benefits[13].

We propose to replace these discredited defenders of our realm with burly men in evening dress and big overcoats.

Border control in practice

Bouncers-night-clubs
Effective border control

At least two bouncers should be placed at each airport, ferry terminal or other entry point.

The bouncers would control immigration, and maintain a balanced nation by:

  • Implementing a one in, one out policy.
  • Not allowing people into the UK who are wearing jeans or trainers
  • Allowing groups of attractive women to jump the queue
  • Preventing people who appear drunk, smelly or scruffy entering the country
  • Not allowing people to take drinks out of the country.
  • Letting their mates in, whenever they please.

In adopting this policy, the UK would probably have to have a students and nurses night on Tuesdays[14][15].

Rebalance Foreign Trade Deficit

Automatic speed fines for all foreign drivers

Foreign driver no respect (2)
Official Kent Constabulary photo of a foreign driver showing flagrant disregard for Britain's road safety regulations. This is just one of 8,652 such images captured in a single hour in Dover during May 2010.

Every foreign driver that enters Britain should be automatically fined for speeding. They'll probably speed at some point or at least think about it[16]. People with moustaches should also be included as this often makes them look foreign[17].

How the idea could be implemented

This policy requires only one single speed camera to be set up at the exit to the Port of Dover. The camera would automatically record and capture on film every foreigner entering this country on his way to his rent free £4M Kensington mansion.

Speeding fines for foreign johnnies should be set at £20K (this would still leave them with £65K of benefits to spend). Fines should be levied where a foreign johnnie exceeds a speed of 3mph during their first six weeks in the UK. The fine should be automatically levied upon entry to the UK. This is reasonable given that foreigners are not used to driving on the correct side of the road and are prone to being distracted by women's breasts because they are all over-sexed.

The revenue from the single Dover speed camera would permit the removal of all other speed cameras from the UK. These could then be installed in shopping centres as passport photo booths.

Not having speed cameras flashing all over the country will stop Global warming and will once more allow British citizens to leave their TV sets on standby overnight, probably[18].

Token Environment Policy

Use the unemployed to increase the population of red squirrels

A modern government needs to have some kind of environmental policy in it's back pocket just in case those Third World johnnies decide to have another Kyoto style world made-up-science summit.

Good squirrel
Good squirrel
Bad squirrel
Bad squirrel

The great unwashed should be ejected from their council estates and resettled in woodlands. Here they can be put to work on a worthwhile conservation project - increasing the population of red squirrels.

A meaningful environmental programme

The unemployed would be forcibly ejected from their council homes and relocated in woodland camps with a Bear Grylls style camp leader. This would free up council houses to house hard-working immigrants. In turn, the £4.5M Kensington mansions no longer required by the immigrants could be occupied by well-heeled society people, thus providing a sustainable benefit to the whole community.

During their interment training the unemployed would gain valuable life skills such as being trained to climb trees and trap Grey Squirrels. As the unemployed progress through the punishment programme, they would be trained to dye the Grey Squirrels ginger using Garnier or L'Oreal hair products. This part of the persecution programme would probably have to be supervised by somebody who's played a hairdresser in a Garnier/L'Oreal advert and who also possesses Nazi/sadistic tendencies. Upon completion of their sentence training the unemployed would feel valued and could give the squirrels advice on the type of shampoo they need to use with their coloured hair.

The skills, knowledge and experience thus gained will be useful assets in the forthcoming nuclear power station building programme.

This will stop Global warming as Red Squirrels reflect heat, whilst Grey Squirrels absorb heat. As a result, bigger mackerel will probably be caught off the coast of Newfoundland[19].

Footnotes

  1. Officially a coalition of the Conservative Party and the Liberal Democrats, but the Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron is a de facto, pink faced Liberal
  2. http://heresycorner.blogspot.com/2010/07/taxing-steve.html
  3. Daily Mail
  4. Greenpeace
  5. Daily Mail
  6. Greenpeace
  7. Daily Mail
  8. Daily Mail
  9. Greenpeace
  10. Daily Mail
  11. Daily Mail
  12. Greenpeace
  13. Daily Mail
  14. National Union of Students
  15. Socialist Workers Party
  16. Daily Mail
  17. Daily Mail
  18. Greenpeace
  19. Greenpeace

See also

External links

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