United Arab Emirates
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
دولة الامارات الهندية والباكستنية المتحدة
United Pakistani and Indian Emirates
|Motto: Oil Makes the Heart Grow Lazy|
|Anthem: "Throw the money Down the Well"|
|Previous capital||Abu Dhabi- closed down after the last Arab left the city for London|
|Largest city||"New" New Delhi|
|Government||Absentee. "Who let the government out? WHO WHO WHO WHO"|
|Religion||Islam, Christianity, Hindu - 10% |
Oilism - 90%
|Area||Over NEIN NEIN NEIN inches|
|Major exports||Camel, Camel Milk, Oil|
|Major imports||Baby Oil|
The United Arab Emirates is a nation established under the leadership of two gods (Michael Jackson and Tlaloc) following the union of the seven samurais. On 2 December 1971, the six-pack states became a federation like a Covenant in Halo.
It is normally a federation of seven emirates - Abu Dhabi, Dubai, Sharjah, Ras Al Khaimah, Fujeirah, Umm Al Quain and Al Ain. While the first two are totally pimped, the rest are bunch of losers; two of them are uninhabited; in fact three of them haven't been seen for some years and might have gone under in the big sandstorm of '86, remember that one?
edit The Emirati Dream
"Part" of the Emirati dream:
- We have a dream.
- We have a dream of a nation that one day will rise up and be our happiest place on Earth.
- We have a dream of creating man-made gianorous endless stretch of land that will that are in the ocean and create a new coast line for us.
- We dream of having a land where all people—brown, and black, and white, and yellow—would be forbidden from ever entering unless they had cash to bestow upon our bank account.
- Five years later, life has given us a bad check, a check that has come returned “insufficient funds”.
- But we refuse to believe that Bill Gates is bankrupt.
- We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of oppression of this world. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give me upon demand the riches of Benjamin Franklin and the pleasure of the 100 dollar bill since our currency is pegged to the US stinking Dollar.
- This is what we dream of having!
- Let the people of Britain freely sing out our name in fear!
- Let the people of America freely sing out our name in awe!
- Let the people of the world, in Japan, France, and China freely tremble before us!
- Let world dominance ring!
- This is what we dream of having today! When we let MONEY reign, when it reigns over every village and every hamlet, every emirate and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s slaves—black man and white man, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing, “Throw the money down the well, Throw the money down the well" because we will have too much cash in the ass!.
As a matter of fact, theres no subject called "history" in the UAE schools. Honestly theres nothing much to tell you here. But for those curious uncyclopedia nerds, I can only tell you that a billion of years ago UAE was a desert and nothing much have changed since then. However a trillion of years ago, there was a nation called the Dinosaur empire, which was so great & rich that they built the largest toilet in the world in the center of the peninsula. The empire hold population almost as large as the Earth, and over half of them pissed & pooped in this toilet. Hence there are great amount of poops buried in the deep underground, and the great scientists of the UAE are always searching for this. The greatest professor of UAE said that these poops can be turned to create fire, energy or even war, but he secretly invented the most useful way of these poops: making money. This is the short story why the UAE reserves too much oils and the richest person in the world is UAE origin.
Sooner the Dinosaur empire had encountered the great genocide caused by intergalactic terrorist attack, making whole nations changed into sand. Today the UAE is the best place to gather sands, because 99% of nature consists in the UAE is sand. 89% of buildings in the UAE area also made from sand. These are the few of many reasons why people call Arabs "sand niggers".
Currently, the people of the UAE have too much cash in the ass and are always bored so they often turn them into soup. When some are bored they come up with very brilliant ideas such as making a 2000m buildings or making islands on water in the shape of a palm tree and world islands. The island booking has attracted people across the world and is now filled with the long que of the beggars from Hollywood including David Beckham. The Emirati people also have a very great challenge to other countries, when they see that some one with a higher building than them they go like "No problem, take 3 billion and build a nice 5000m building in 2 days, get slaves from Malu land". The UAE is also notable that they give away money to the poor and building schools and hospitals all over the poor countries to show how money-free giving they really are.
The UAE is notable in the fact although it is a fantastic country to drive in, with cheap petrol and cheap cars, although it is the hardest country in the world to get a driving license. 4 million lessons must be completed and you are required to fail at least 1 million times, the only person who has managed to pass did so in 1981. Not to mention the very sweet traffic were 5000 cars are required to pass through one lane and the risk of having your car detained for at least 30 days for passing a red light.
edit Basic Information
If you see dick shaped region in the west Asia, thats the hot diggity UAE. However people using Google Earth often confuse it with India, because India is also shaped as a dick, and moreover you can only see exactly same people. For those awkwards, I can tell you how to distinguish the UAE and India; while Emirati people have big fat dicks, Indian people only have pencil thin inch-long dicks (aka peanuts) because they are more closer to China/Japan. So the Arabian peninsula is more like American porn-actor's dick, which have big glans and phimotic. Indian peninsula is as you suggest small, Asian dick which just getting thinner on the tip and they haven't invented perfume or deodarants there yet, most likely it is banned.
This "piece of land" is barely spotted on the map, however, recent achievements like the "middle finger" Burj built by overpaid workers have transformed it into a "country" according to UAE experts. Dubai is known for being better than u in everything and anything they do. Period.
One word, "Hell" is a description meteorologists and weather forecasters use to accurately describe UAE's climate. Climate in the UAE is comparatively HIGH. Although generally hot and dry, there are four seasons exist - super summer, brutal summer, terabyte summer, and nuclear summer. Average tempratures is 60C, but it vastly changes. The lowest temprature easily goes below 0C in the night. The highest temprature is still lower than 100C, makes this desert country a favorite location to visit during the winter time. Importantly, UAE's tourism sector has urged the public along with foreign people that UAE is the perfect place for you to "Barbecue... not your food, but yourselves" and thus "only suitable for those coal colored ones".
The UAE has a population of approximately two people. The one being the Glorious Über-Sultan Muh-Ahmad-the-Muhammad, the other is his servant. They are both generally laid-back and friendly, except on Wednesday, when the Über-Sultan usually declares war on Maldives. An armistice is usually signed until the next Saturday. However, foreigners fear not about that issue as it can be noted under UAE's Code of Equality (COE) that only "Maldives shall be treated with disgrace and disgust, providing that that they're getting paid."
The rest can be devided in two types, slaves and tourists. Slaves are highly anticipated workers from the third world countries with high ambitions. Most of them gather money in the UAE by working as street-sweaping, cleaning public toilets, mining, coaling, working something for oils, and working as prostitutes. Their average salary rangse from $2 - $2000 a day depending on the profession, the latter being most appealing. Theres a custom among them to send back 80% of their income into homelands monthly, making their living more strict. Another one, tourists, are the second dumbest species in the UAE. Most of them think living in tall buildings or playing in sand are gorgeous. This is simply because most of their homelands are the third world countries. Some of them are also from the infidel countries, where total dumbs deserve to live in cold places. 50% of them are colored white, possibly because they eat too much porks. 40% of them are colored yellow, possibly because they eat too much oranges. The last 10% are obviously Persians, who hates the UAE the most but still they love the shopping malls too much, especially since they can now buy deodarants and perfumes since it is also probably banned in their homeland.
More people = more languages. Abu Dhabi City Council warns that tourists need to master at least five languages - Hindi, Urdu, Chinese, Fillipino and 1337 - if they want to play in gay night clubs. This is because nightlife in the UAE is mainly settled by gangsters from third world countries. Because normal Muslims sleep early, city will be owned by gangs and mafias formed by labourers. Since the labour have origins mostly from India, China, Phillipines and YouTube, you required to learn languages of those countries. Otherwise, you might lose precious prostitutes. Or get murdered by gangsters.
Other languages you required to learn includes Australian. This is simply because Australians can understand no English nor Arabic, they will try to talk to you with native Australian language (mostly Voodoos, Mormons, Aboriginies and Strine language). If you don't want to mess with Australian road sweepers or taxi drivers who scream Strines to death, keep up in mind the above
The most watched TV channel in the UAE is MTV Arabic. This is due to people's habit to check the time of praying five times a day. One thing is MTV newscasters always start praying even he/she is in front of the TV cameras so that people can notice everytime. Another reason is that when theres no news to announce, MTV starts broadcasting MTV (Music Television). The most intricate point is that MTV also have branch office inside the UAE, hence you can watch MTV in UAE too. This means in the UAE, you can watch two different types of MTVs, however both of them plays almost same contents and only thing differ is that MTV plays MTV but also it let you notice the time of praying, while MTV doesn't.
Internet is blocked in the UAE. Why? Because although you have paid $150 for 30mb internet download speed you nevertheless, only receive 0.1mb of that. Upload speed? HaHaHa, don't even ask. Most people using the internet in UAE experience lag syndrome, a syndrome that causes your daily life activities to lag, this is due to overwhelming amounts of LAG. Not to mention Skype,Teamspeak and any other VoIP service are blocked in the UAE. WHY? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS, MAYBE BECAUSE THEY ARE ASSHOLES AND WANT YOU TO USE THEIR SERVICE?. Internet is for porn, but not in the UAE. Censorship in UAE is ridiculous. Sites that include Geoography, Jaws, your views and other ...nothing more, however are blocked. Oh, and the ping is OVER 9000!!!....seriously.
The UAE is officially called The Tyrannical Absolute Monarchy of The United Arab Emirates Cruelly Oppressing The People, but in reality it is a democratic state whose citizens have extensive personal freedom. The official title is used by state authorities to scare the crap out of foreigners who are thinking of moving into this vastly overpopulated desert region.
Honestly, government has not much things to do in this peaceful desert country. At least their job is rescueing orphan kittens from dirty kitten-huffers on every weekend. This, however, is not an easy job, since kitten-saver license is required to participate in this job. Taking this license is indespensable for all politicians in the UAE. Not to mention that number of politicians in UAE is four - a sovereign, a commander in chief, a bodyguard and an official prostitute (be replaced monthly). Government motto is in Someone's will.
edit Foreign Relations
The UAE's least enemies are Iran and Israel. This is because both country have produced nukes earlier than the UAE, although the UAE claimed thier right to have nuclear bomb on much earlier time. Government of the UAE takes a strong measures against both countries by economical sanctions, oil embargo, banning Jewish prostitutes etc.
In 1955 government secretly formed a five-years plan of oil embargo against Israel. The first and the sencond embargos were executed in 1976 and 2006 respectively. UAE is planning the next oil embargos in 2012, 2022, and 2142. For these sanctions, Israeli government has been begging for relaxation. As peace terms the UAE govenment claimed for granting 50 Israeli top models and 100 Jewish prostitutes. Israeli government swallowed these terms, however, since the UAE government doesn't confirm Israel top models as "model", tension between both countries is still strained.
The UAE has since been basically ignored, as the Bush administration concentrates on dealing with the menace of Iran's nyucular programme by bombing its capital Baghdad back into the stone age. Wait a minute... that can't be right... was it Iran or Iraq that was building the reactors, ah who cares, too late now, thousands are already dead. Death to Iraq or Iran or whomever the heck it was... and Gosh bless Amerika.
This is what the UAE Commander-in-Chief Mubarack Hussein Osama often states on radio address when he get bored:
"People often underestimate the military of the UAE. Despite what media say, the UAE has the best equipment on every segments of every factions. People are too careless that they never expect our newest FAV (Fast Attacking Vehicle) which can fuck off old-school American humvees. As a matter of course, half of US army equipments (including F-35 and M1A2 Abrams) are too out-dated for us. On the other hand, half of so-called military officials don't know that most of the UAE sands keep our underground nuclear facility stealthed. However, because the UAE people aren't same with normal Iraqis and Syrians (we have planted artificial sub-cerebrum inside our towel-heads) dumb Americans never expect our latest technology to fuck up the entire globe in seconds.
We initiate you that the latest UAE weapon GEENIE (Grue-Eating Electronical-Nuclear-Inplanted Enforcers) has twice as big as Israeli Merkava, and it is thirty times as radiational as Iranian SCUDs, and last but never least, it is one hundred and thirty two times as stealth as American B-2 bomber. Oops, sorry but it is still a top secret material for you damn-ass bitches."
Flying american airlines and/or canadian airliners into strategic targets such as K-mart and your deadbeat dads house. Also including the world trade centers, CN tower and George Bushes house in texas
The economic infrastructure of the UAE is naturally enough the sand. While demand of petroleum is still floudering because of skyrocketing price, European and American corporations have opened up a newly sand business inside the UAE in 2005. Theres no need to mention that sand is one of the most addictive cuisine in the UAE. On the other hand, sand is also useful to feed camels and donkeys, which hold 80% of transportation in the UAE. In addition, camel is also one of the UAE's burgeoning businesses. Because the 2009 camel riding boom is not likely to subside, American multinational corporations are seeking to advance the Arabic camels into American auto markets. This plan is estimated to provide huge benefits for both UAE and USA, and for both producers and customers. Needless to say that it is also eco-friendly because camel poops can be turned into soup. Coincidentally, sand is one of the best spices fitting with camel-poop soup. This business will become world-wide sooner or later. Some Arabic C.E.O. said that he builds one 1000m tower each time he get paid.
In 2009, UAE's GDP stood at US$999 trillion. The GDP per capita is currently the 1st in the world and 3rd in the Middle East, after UAE-USA collaboration and UAE-China collaboration. UAE's economy, particularly that of Dubai, was miraculously made rapid progress by the financial crisis of 2007–2010. In 2009, the country's economy grew by 400 percent. The reason of this phenomenon is expected as God's blessing, since 80% of Muslims in UAE pray six times a day, instead of normal five times. Moreover, not to mention, UAE's Internal State of Affairs (ISA) states that "UAE's economy flourishes on exports & imports of enslaved people from the Maluo islands who are bankrupt and thus taken advantage of and treated like how you treat your shoes." Fortunately, UAE's governments have drawn-up new rules to encourage such actions and will make sure these rules are adhered to, otherwise jail sentences will be applied with courts' ethical judgments accordingly.
The UAE has been spending 0 dollars on infrastructure. This is due to the 2009 Camel Riding Boom, which was too popular among tourists, led UAE government to promote the Camel Taxi Corporation. Camel Taxi Corp. is a traditional and the biggest Arabian taxi company, opened service in AD 243. They had transported many famous people and celebrities, including Adolf Hitler, The Beatles and Saddam Hussein.
The US$2,000 Dubai Camel Metro project includes a 52-kilometre Al-Qamel Boulevard, which is passable only by Camels and Donkeys, was opened in September 2009 after Camel Riding Olympics. After fully completion of the Al-Qamel Boulevard, the UAE government is planning to construct the US$1,300 Camelia Highway which connects Abu Dhabi and Sharjah. The Camelia Highway when fully complete will estimated to shorten the time to take from the North UAE to the South UAE, from 148 hours to 142 hours. The advanced nano technology, implantable marijuana is in development to make additional power for camels. Furthermore, country officials have started to think of "modernizing" UAE's transportation by switching camels with brand new technological inventions or vehicles called "cars", exported from India, Bombay (Mumbai) or as famously dubbed ("The land of the Malouus").
The most pimped up culture in this sandy state is nothing but a building. Because the sandy places are too hot to walk by foot in the middle of summer (average tempratures of sand rises above 1004C), from the old times people have learned the way to live in the higher areas, such as trees. However it is only natural that trees cannot be grown in the sandy places, so people started to work for constructing skyscrapers from very early times on human history.
The first skyscraper built in the UAE is Tower of Babel in BC 643. It was an apartment house which can hold up to 900 families. It was designed by the great Jewish monk Shalon da Don, who later worked for constructing Pyramids in Giza strip.
Since then, over than 6,634 skyscrapers have been built. The highest skyscraper is 828km tall Burj-Al-Maleeq-Al-Shaheed-Bin-Laden-Al-Hussein, which also holds a record of the longest skyscraper name. It is however, expected to be lost against the newest project Burj-Al-Nuh-Qlear, the longest nuclear missile silo in the world.
|Middle East Countries|
|Bahrain | Cyprus | Egypt | Iraq | Iran | Israel/Palestine | Jordan | Kuwait | Lebanon | Oman | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Syria | Turkey | United Arab Emirates | Yemen | The United States of Arabia|
|Countries and territories of Asia|
|Euroasia||Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon|
|East Asia||People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan) - Tibet|
|Western Asia||Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen|
|Central Asia||Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan|
|South Asia||Afghanistan - Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Pakistan - Sri Lanka|
|Southeast Asia||Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam|