Types of women
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The strange animal known as woman is avaiable in many different types, models, phyla and species. This guide on 'types of women does not pretend to be comprehensive, but can give a second-hand look on the mysterious world of women. The author does not hold responsible for damage to your health, your penis or your wallet given by a stray woman.
edit The cutie
The cute one is essentially a young woman. She always moves in packs of cuties, always laughing and giggling without any practical reason then communicate with her fellow pack-members in their peculiar language, and seem cuter to a casual male observer. The cutie is not known for her beauty. In fact she's essentially cute, seeming pretty and kind. Then, when you approach her, she may turn into a true harpy...
edit THE SPY
Women spies are another popular category see WOMEN SPIES
edit The hawt
The hawt woman is a really attractive and sexy one. She has a stunning and curvy body, she dresses, or undresses, in a pleasant yet appariscent way, she's hot and lovely, easy to chat up, gifted with sensual moves and a nice conversation. She usually sees herself as superior to mere mortals, and as the sex goddess she feels to be she rejects with contempt and disrespect every human male unable to pay her ten-digits bills, or show her a penis inferior to 15 meters. Usually the rejected males blame her unfeeling attitude and call her "frigid".
edit The boiler
She not exactly part of the human race, quite an hybrid between a human being, a bearded woman, and a boiler, in fact.
She doesn't need to be overweight to be ugly. In fact she can be ugly anyways, resembling something similar to a sardine or a sperm whale, or a loud pack of bisonts.
She eventually tries to act like an hawt woman. Being not-so-hot, she only manages to die alone, gorging on high-caloric food.
edit SFD and SFB (a.k.a. Sexy from distance and Sexy from her back)
An SFD woman, seen from 100 meters of distance, seems prime material, hotter than the hottest woman on Earth, but as you look at her more closely, she resembles a boiler, or she's plain ugly.
edit The kinda hot one
Less sexy than the hawt one, she's quite hot, and nice too. She's not perfect, but she may have a pleasant face and big tits, or a nice ass on a petite, cute frame. She's easy to chat up, a decent and nice person, she may look at you as a person before at you as a VISA holder.
She moves in packs of boilers and other ugly women, so they cannot pursue her alpha woman, and main breeder, role with every male they spot on the wild.
She usually feels to be a "cutie", and act as such, but as she discovers to be hot, and able to bring forth the innermost desires in the men she sees, she doesn't evolve into a real harpy, but into the "elastic woman", prelude to the real slut. In spanish you would call this a "coño-carajo".
edit Woman of Mass Destruction (the sexy goddess)
Detaining a sexy goddess in your home may be considered improper use of a WMD.
She's smoking hot, so sexy that hurts, curvy and luscious, smily and feisty, feminine 24h at days, dressed like a supermodel even when she has to babysit her little cousins. She's the most desired woman, a piece of furniture able to make every ambient better. She's kind and nice, and caring, but she's not so intelligent. Even dumber than the other women, so she fall easy prey of the worst male exemplars, that feels compelled to please her not only with sexual gratification, but depaupering their resources in cocktails, classy french restaurants and even drug parties. If you manage to keep on with the sexy goddess, you may as well get a place in Olympus.
edit Elastic woman
One of the well known species of women. A woman can be born as an elastic woman, or turn into one upon discovering the effects of a sexy body on the male mind. She usually lives as a symbiotic organism of several males, living in their homes, one at time, and feeding on their wallet and blood (and semen, sometimes). She never feels there's something wrong in her flawed ethics. In fact, she has not a real moral compass... or she has a broken one. She's kinda elastic in her relations, and she has metamorphic abilities, able to appear to the unsuspcted victim as a cutie or an hawt woman, before turning into a real slut, and slay the male to feed on his VISA card.
edit The bitch
The evolved form of the elastic woman. In her own world everything wrong is your fault (even the things she started herself).
edit The dominatrix
The final evolution of the elastic woman: not only does she have all the traits from earlier evolutions, she also thinks of you as nothing but her little bitch. BEWARE.
edit The ugly loner
A degeneration of a simple ugly woman, or of a boiler, she's a danger for the whole humanity. Spiteful and resentful for her being unable to get a penis, even a plastic one, she spits her hate and jealousy against every other woman who is guilty of being more pleasant then her. She usually gossips with the boilers, her fellow species. She still lives, as a basement dweller does, with her mom, a saint who keeps her from spending too much time around us wrecking our lives.
Having no social life of her own, an ugly loner can work harder and faster than anyone else... so giving herself some time to spend trying to turn herself into a swine woman.
edit Career Woman
The woman in career is a bitter fruit of modern times, a catch-all category able to attract every other woman. A career woman gains several new characteristic, such as an obnoxious, spiteful attitude, or always being on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After living her usual working day, a woman in career has no time for anything else. Her workplace becomes the place of her living, of her stress, and her secret prostitution, always trying to sell her graces and her body to anyone and anything able to improve her social position.
Usually her partner, after several weeks of masturbation, kicks her out. The career woman now has two choices: she can return to her mental equilibrium, and live barefoot in her hubby's living room dressed only in a French maid dress gifting him with sexual favours as a way to get back in his graces, or gorging herself on ice creams, the only phallic item she can afford now, becoming an ugly loner.
edit The artist
Kinda hot, timid, and loves drawin' shit. Girls like her are the reason that nerds don't all grow up alone and miserable (although still considerably wealthier than you). Always bring a sketch pad if you're going to flirt with her, and show her what you're worth.
These women have a unique mating ritual. They will ask to draw you. Say yes and you're almost guaranteed to get laid, say no and you'll wish you had said yes.
If you draw her back, you're even more likely to get some sweet, smart ass.
edit The one who you've been friends with for quite a while now
A somewhat rarer breed whos hotness can range anywhere from average to Weapon of Mass Erection. You want to bang her, and let's face it, everybody does, you're just to much of a friggin' pussy to do anything about it. Either that, or you're gay and you have 74 more "girlfriends" that are just like her.
edit The party animal
Very hot, very loud, and two out of three times, a lesbian. Her list of daily activites include drinking beer (which scientists have proven to enhance the breasts without negative effects on men), watching football and having sex with a stranger she met at the pub. If you want her to sleep with you, win a bar fight or slip somethin' into her drink, if ya know what I mean...
edit The slut
This woman(girl) has no ethics or morals. She is the one dressed up at the halloween party as "Busty Lusty". She is the girl that would drive to you when you call her for a booty call. All she wants is dick, no money is needed. Like the whore she will have sex with anyone, however, she gives it up for free. Usually the last thing she is worried about is an STD so she will probably have sex or give oral sex with no condom. It is possible that on occasion she walks the streets at night pretending to be a prostitute. Pretending because whoever picks her up is having their lucky night; they get her for no charge at all. She most likely wears shirts that show off her chest year round (so even when it is cold out). She will go out of her way to flirt or have sex with a friend or sister's boyfriend. She more than likely has had relationships with men that are married and have children. If a man has money that is a bonus but that is not what she really wants. All she wants is for everyone to know what a true slut she is. Or she at least wants MEN to know what a true slut she is. I would try to avoid ever dating a slut because you never know what they may be doing behind your back. They also probably have some supressed childhood memories that could cause them to have bi polar disorder or something of that nature.
edit The nun
A nun is a pleasant, lovely, fair and sexy woman who loves have fun, but hates having sex. She seems pleasant to a casual male, you can find her in every place a regular woman frequents to have some fun. Pretty as she is, she attracts sexual interest in every one she approaches, interest that she easily turn off yelling sentences as "So, you really believe I'm SO easy?". In fact, a nun is not easy. She never had sex, she doen't want to have. She battles her increasing frustration with countless sessions of autoerotism, drowning her sex drive in her work, becoming a career woman, then a loner, or a nympho.
edit The Swine
A swine is a fattie, or an ugly woman, who upon realizing to be more akin than a sperm whale than an human being, simply tries offering herself to anyone, hoping to find a male so desperate to sex her. She dresses like a whore, but with her lard escaping from every hole or cute in a dress skimpier than decency could suggest for a whale like her.
They have a real social utility in fact. A Swine woman hangs around pubs and other places where men, just dumped by whores, or deluded by sluts and bitchy cuties, drown their sorrow in alcohol. Several pints of beer lets the swine woman catch them, and with her erotic arts they nurture the wounded male, making him bigger, stronger and faster than before.
Then the male leaves the swine in her farm with the other hogs, and resume his voyage where no man has gone before, boldy searching for the perfect woman.
edit The career loner
Final evolution of the career woman, but with several added characteristics. A false step may turn a Career Woman into a Career Loner, for example a fight with another Career Woman for the Alpha Male in the same office. The winning career woman, usually the one in the higher social position, expels the loser from the women's pack, impairing forever every aspiration of career and sexual relations. Thusly, the loser becomes a career loner, drowning her frustration in total stakhanovism. A Career Loner may change city, retire from her career ambition and expatriate, or stay a Career Loner forever.
edit The nympho
No words needed. The nympho, pretty or ugly, can't live without a penis in every one of her orifices for more than eight hours a day. They've got no particular preferences: yes, they may like a good looking male, but if he has a huge cock, they can pass over anything. A sex goddess nymphomaniac can easily become a pornstar, and as such, desired and loved by anyone. A good looking nympho is a good prey to catch, if you can overlook her high infidelity, turning you into a cuckold right after the nuptial kiss.
edit The acid one
She simply cannot talk with anyone without resorting to offences, insults or a non-social behaviour. She feels you're insulting her every time you talk, even if not to her. She despises humanity, humanity depises her, until she becomes hysterical. A menstruating woman can be quite acid, for a time.
edit The average Jane
The female counterpart of the average Joe. She's the stranger at your best buddy's place party, the one at the minimarket asking you if you can change her twenty dollar bill with four five dollars ones, even if she doesn't have any money with her, the one who attempts to talk to you, then falls silent after telling you her name. She has no shame in making the first move with you, she's usually interested in a one-night-stand at the party place, then she flees. She is not a peculiar woman, but you can easily classify her as such: "the average Jane you had sex with", "the average Jane you didn't just have sex with", "the average Jane who wanted to have sex with you, but her boyfriend wss hanging around", "the average Jane you wanted to have sex with, but your girlfriend was hanging around", "the average Jane you told you were Bill Gates' sole heir, then you left with a ten dollar bill on the pillow".
edit The whore
Final evolution of the slut, she attempts to cleanse herself from her peccaminous life, making amends for every single gift she extorted to the male species with her sexual, promiscuous activities. She cannot stop herself, she still desires cocks more than any other thing on the planet, so, to make up for her past life. She does charge money because that is what a whore is; a prostitute.
edit The pornstar
She's a dream woman. She's gorgeous, hot, she never complains and she's nice. She wants sex more than anything on Earth. She absorbs every minute of your time... after 10 days, even if you're a rich heir who doesn't need to work for living, able to devote your time, from morning to morning, to have sex with a pornstar always asking for more, you will be drained of every fluid in your body. She's a real match for anyone, but she may prove useful. For example when you can show your friend your personal pornstar, hotter than the sun and utterly devoted to you, grinning like a happy bastard. The pornstar, however, never tires, and the day you'll be unable to keep with her rhythm, she will materialize at the arm of your best friends, lavishing them with attention and devotion, making all of you, one by one, feel like moronic cuckolds. She can tease you sometimes in a sexy way.
edit The Ideal Woman
Traces of the Ideal Woman were found in rare Mayans artifacts, some pages of the Necronomicon and some abridged passages of the Kamasutra. Feisty, cheery and nice, hotter than the hawt woman, cuter than the cutie, a yes-woman with a killer body, a brilliant smile and perfect curves, loves football and beer as every male. In fact, football and beer are her natural aphrodisiac, and after a couple of beers and a football match on TV you could be able to turn her into your sex slave for life. Never growing wrinkly and old, she loves to be put on trial, for example in unnaturally long-lasting blow-job sessions with every single one of your friends as judges.
She dresses like a slut, with sexy and skimpy outfits that makes her even prettier than she usually is, but she's able to remove easily every time you want to bed her, never complaining, immune to headaches and menstrual cycle. However she never charges you, never asking you for gifts for the privilege to bed her: in fact, she feels pleased to have sex with such a stud as you. She's quite rich, an orphan heiress wanting to share with you her lavish lifestyle, and without a mother-in-law, died in a freak sky accident, to deal with. Her boobs are so huge that she has to order her bras from the guys who invented the Zeppelins, and her legs are so long you'll need a Chevrolet to go from foot to foot.
Another interesting feature, due to genetic manipulation and veterinary surgery, the ideal woman lacks eardrums and vocal cords, useless organs removed at birth with special veterinarian instruments. Thus, the ideal woman grows up deaf and mute.
The ideal woman is unable to tell you long, unending dopey stories about her slut girlfriends, or the new shoes and purses she just bought and sluttish and torbid sex stories regarding her past boyfriends. She can't bitch about your waning interest on her, tell you she wants to go out more often, ask you if you think she's fat or moan and complain because you don't want to marry her, because she can't talk. And just in case she manages to express resentment and frustration because you left her home, all alone and closing every window and door shut to avoid suprises, to go to the Superbowl with your friends, spending all the money she had put away to buy you a surprise for your first anniversary, that coincidentally was that very same day, you can always gently tell her "My tart, I told you I was leaving this morning, but you must not have heard me because you are deaf!!". You may as well say nothing to her... she's deaf you moron, she can't hear you anyway.
The ideal woman is a major threat to the survival of the other categories. As explained by complicated Darwinian laws, the only way for the other women to keep on living and reproducing is surrendering, and divest themselves of their ability to speak and hear, for the sake of evolution of the species.
It was a joke, you fool! The ideal woman does not exist.. only Chuck Norris is actively working at creating one. And you'll never have her. Plus, you're a racist.
edit Geographical Specific
edit Latin America
- Colombian Women (if your interested in knowing the truth about Colombian Women, then goto this URL: http://editthis.info/colombianwomen/Main_Page)
- Cuban Women
- Puerto Rican Women
- Dominican Women
- Mexican Women
- Venezuelan Women
- Brazilian Women
edit North America
edit Middle East
edit The Latina
Latina is a type of woman every man wants to be with; especially a HOT Latina. You can find a Latina almost anywhere in the world, but a high concentration of them are located in the Americas.