Types of Messenger Contacts
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WARNING: This article has a lot of computer humor. If you don't understand it, you aren't a geek press Alt+F4 to optimize it.
WARNING: A lot of this article seems to have been written in Engrish. This adds to the hilarity.
WARNING: The writer of this article shows signs of bad grammar.
[edit] Contact kinds
Besides their nicks, we can classify the contacts by a deep psychological analysis.
[edit] Annoying
They are in the first place of our list. They are the typical people that all the time pops-up windows with a twister of silly things that you don't want to read (but you read them anyway). Their nicks usually begins with a hyphen to appear first in your cotacts list and feel important. They doesn't care if you are not available, absent or whether, they simply talks and talks you. The Annoying-Telegraphist fusion can have devastating effects.
- The subkind yes-then-no: Logins 450 times with the consecuent login sounds and annoying dialog boxes.
- And who gives you nonstop buzzes so your computer freezes so... you have to reset it. This causes a game that should be forbidden by the UN: The buzzwar.
[edit] Telegraphist
Really this poor isn't a bad person. Simply believes that every sent message mustn't have more of 3 words or the world as we know it will implode. He/she has the inner paranoia if we aren't constantly reading their lines we'll do ourselves the seppuku (suicide ourselves sticking a sword into the belly). So, as a result, if we have the speakers on (much worse), we obtain a telegraphic conversation. And if by a causality evolves into an "I-tell-you-my-life", entrust yourself to the heaven, because you obtain 300.000 times the same damned phrase with 4 senselessness holden up words.
[edit] Anonymous
Believes that your memory is so big, so deletes his name to replace it with a eloquent/stupid phrase anyway. It's the same guy who starts talking and talking you, and you're asking yourself “Who the hell is he?”. The only that can save you is looking to it's avatar, its font or its e-mail address. Believe me, with a list of 100 contacts or more that can be infernal. But the best of all is when he tells you “I'm Albert. Don't you remember me?!”. Of course, is perfectly normal that you must associate h1r45868@hotmail.com or the phrase “YOODADEEDADEHDOOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DAH-DAH-DAH-DOH a-gos-sip-a-gain!” with your lifelong friend Albert. Sucks!
[edit] "I-tell-you-my-life-by-my-nick"
These are very funny. Because when they are well-known people, nothing happens. But when is almost unfamiliar mob that you added by third causes (they usually are fruitless win over attempts or people who desperately needed your help), you laugh quite much of the things that happens them. Whether his girlfriend let him, the car fine, suspended on something, a career approved in record time...
"
- Thanks Loreena and Liz by being my friends unlike another girls. Tomorrow I'll do shopping in the mall with Liz and Loree.
- I´m not sad anymore, I'm better than ever hahaha. WE ARE THE CRAZIEST!
"
There's a subkind that tells what are they doing every millisecond of their lives via messenger nick "Studying", "I went to the supermarket", "Taking a shower", "At the kitchen", "Sleeping"... Oh hell! Why is the "Not available" state? Some excuse themselves saying that if the use the "Not available" state instead of writing "Watching TV" their contacts keeps talking. In this case the person is still having the blame by joining with people that not accepts a "no" as an answer.
They can be attacked by the rhetorical way with nicks like "Breathing", "Drinking water" or "Eating a sandwich".
[edit] "I never am here"
Hermit and fractious. In theory, he or she connects with the sole intention to inform his or her contacts that he or she isn't here. He or she is in "Not available" or "Absent" state eternally 24/7. But the good thing is that he or she is really here!! only that he or she likes to be at miles of their friends and they're in their own. Is extremely rewarding to fill the conversation window with lines to a “I never am here” because we know he or she really is here, and you know that he or she will read them! (everyone reads them, even the contacts that we hate more).
[edit] Philosopher
Who without infringing the "I-tell-you-my-life"'s rules writes besides the name a little inspirational phrase. They're pleasant, you know who is he or she only reading the nick and normally their phrases are better than whose like “Wow, what a nis bab with da woweee”. Unfortunately the happiness ends when discovering their obsession of opposing at your ideas and to question everything you say, ridiculing you and trying to go superior. There are 3 subkinds.
Mystical-deep: You read their nicks and you need 5 minutes to come out from a inner deep reflection and nostalgia well.
Almanac: Changes their nick everyday and brings your messenger into life with a eloquence rainbow.
Usurper: Who tells you "Do you like the phrase? It's mine!" and of course isn't.
And who believes him/herself being a genius:
- "The world is running out of geniuses. Einstein died, Beethoven went deaf, and I have a headache"
[edit] Dulls
They aren't bad persons, don't meddle with nobody. Only they use their name almost since they installed Windows.
[edit] Impact art
Whose fills their nicks with thousands of ASCII characters that even the own ASCII don't know that they have them, embellishing them with out of context emoticons. If any of them evolves into "I-tell-you-my-life", your messenger may look like a gossip magazine.
[edit] Windows Live Vulture
Who his contacts list is filled only with the girls addresses that he could extract in the crazy party nights. Those girls usually show their scarce interest simply answering the initial "Hello" and letting suspended the conversation by the times of the times... amen.
[edit] Marginated
They feel megasad if you don't talk them in the messenger even if you are absent or not available. They turn the talking with you at least once a day in a everyday must. Certain marginated hides the following personality.
[edit] Unsociable psycho
They are totally geeks. Their mayonnaise consistent brains are fanaticed with someting. Even if you are talking them via computer, you'll smell a lack of social life (minus TV and direct family) stench. Is common that they appears (that it is) lack of feelings. If they believes that your recent posted video is a stinking dirt, they won't dodge it, they'll tell you outright. They usually ignore the "I cannot talk you now" and they insist and insist. the blocking doesn't work with these people, because they'll begin sending mail overwhelming your patience. Or threatening you wether they'll break you face, they have it... A good remedy for this is using a Justin Timberlake photo as an image to show, but the remedy can be worse than the illness.
[edit] Deserted
They stay unconnected for years. The typical people that changes their account and doesn't tell you, or don`t have an Internet connection anymore. Check it and you'll see that that you have some.
[edit] Windows Live Vulturemates
The girls whose attract vultures, but they don't gorge on them. But they follow them to laugh or maybe even get excited "I have a cyberboyfriend, I'm the best". They usually use tactics like using sugestive phrases (like "Taking a shower" then "Dressing up while talking", "sexy girl", "Hot Babe"). They uses photos taken from a dating website and double sense phrases ("Im very hot, I'll take off something"). They're usually gay men.
[edit] Speechless
You can tell them your life and they will answer you with plain xD, l00l, :-P, O____O...
[edit] Talkative
You tell them your life and they write lines 5 times yours to tell you any silliness that happened them.
[edit] Undecided
They constantly changes their e-mail address and sends you again and again adding requests.
[edit] Linkers
They sends you one link after another simply because they try to seem C00|. Usually they are the kind of people whose best friend is the computer mouse and has seen the sun only in photos.
[edit] Superfluous
What's worse than a conceited person? Besides being overly materialistic, are a kind of the worst of hell cocktail. A part of the cocktail is if the person was, in real life, at least, a little nice, here won't even be nice at all. They are arrogants like nobody and in their nicks they try to write everything, and besides invents dull names and stupidities. Then, if we look the avatars, they always have clothes brands images and related. Ugly, dull, boring and sickening like nothing.
"
- Na!kAr!...* I like the way you smile me (I left to eat)
- PiNk PrInCeSs* *YvesSaintLaurent* *D&G* -->*dIvInE & gLaMoUrOuS*
"
[edit] Dynamics
Really awesome the capability of these people to change everything on their moods. The font color, font, nick, personal message, space, conversation background (sometimes shared)...
[edit] "Download this"
They believe raised the cultural catharsis and their music is the best. Generally they conform to sending you songs (doesn't matter if block your connection 20 times, the try to send it again) then asking your opinion. A plain "is very good" usually appeases their cultural expansion anguish, because they'll tell you later "Did you listened the guitar solo? Great, right?"
The worst is whose begin with "Hey, download this song" and doesn't stop until you do that. You may think that you got rid of him/her, but in a week or less they'll request that you download the entire album for telling what it seems to you. And, yes, later, all the albums of that artist.
Against the fire, fire. Those people usually listens underground music, or simply music that doesn't appear in the top 40. So if you want to stop them, only tell them "Did you listened the latest of Justin Timberlake? Download the video. With reason is in the top 40. He is really good. The good music is still alive!". Without doubt they'll stop nagging you. Of course that they won't talk with you anymore, but you cannot have everything.
[edit] 69ers
Isn't a kind, is a characteristic sometimes found with some contacts. It simply consists in the number 69 before the "@mailservice.com" that resembles that sex position, so, it says that person is HOT. Whose carry this number thinks in double sense with sexual intentions, if they think because they donesn't have brain. The number can fit into the nick too.
Recently, by the large number of those people, now is considered a variation of each kind (the annoying 69er, the talkative 69er...). We musn't have piety with these people.
WARNING This category shouldn't be confused with the people born in 1969. Because they may be not so hot, just adults.
[edit] "Post me"
They're (usually) girls whose the only thing they do is sending their photoblog link for posting your comment, because they doesn't have friends, they add any person of a chain, only for sending that damned link.
"
- Conny www.photoblog.com/******** post many
- *******@mailservice.com
"
The main problem is when figuring out what to write for the post, so copy-paste a Britney's song and VOILÁ!
[edit] "Beloved" people
More common in the last months, are whose have dedications to themselves (supposedely written by someone else, who sometimes even doesn't exists). In many cases occur with ugly girls that doesn't have boyfriend and they shelter with their friends (if they have) to feel beloved. They believes that because they have those dedications, will be popular an attractive but they need a life friend.
"
- Mike: ILYM kindly: Mary Woodsand =) Hi pal, ilym kindly: Andrea ^*^
- ***********@mailservice.com
"
[edit] Linguists
Whose understands that Bill Gates wants to destroy the culture to dominate the world, and the minimal language was invented to survive the expensiveness of the cell phones. So writes complete words and other incredible things in a conversation.
Sometimes, they invite you to join them, but the majority, in prescence of the failure, limits to a silent protest, giving example, but they know that we are in the last days of the culture as we know it.
[edit] Oracle
He is generally a guy, who devotes himself to giving love advice to hot girls. He is the same guy whose is 40 years old and didn't have real sex yet, and the only time when he had "sex" was in the elementary and the girl had a machine.
If he is in love with the girl, the very stupid will convince her to go out with the most handsome guy believing that the girl's true love is the oracle.
[edit] Oracle philosopher
Gives advice to any person and about any topic using parallelisms and almost incomprehensible metaphores to look intelligent/interesting and feel superior.
For instance, if you are in love with a someone and he or she doesn't correspond you, he'll tell you "Even if the living room's light is off, you can find the TV's remote control if you touch carefully the surface". That means you will find someone else.
[edit] Counter-trend
Instead of beginning the conversation with "Hello, How are you?" begins going into the topic they want to talk (if they doesn't have nothing to say, they invents it). So you say them something like "Hi you too". And they decides to tell you the speech about the conversation monotony, our progressing atrophy and all this in minimalist language (designed by Bill Gates to dominate the world). In the next conversation, when you ask him "How are you?" they repeats the same old story about the monotony, and adds that if you hadn't nothing to tell. After a week without talking them, miraculously opens a conversation window and reads a "Hello, How are you? that smells like an apology and victory.
[edit] Notice
We didn't write the e-mail addresses of the sample contacts (with a few exceptions) to protect their privacy (besides, their private life isn't any interesting).
