From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Heads I win, tails you lose.”
Two-Face is an infamous Batman villain and the reason why super villains should only have one secret identity. Two-Face is a crime lord who thinks he owns the town, and then he also thinks that he is a loser. He is one of Batman's most annoying enemies, because he keeps bickering with himself about what to do. Two-Face is legally considered two people in one body and his left half is not held responsible for anything that the right half does, because that's one of the many ways the insanity plea works in DC Comics.
One of the people within Two-Face is a master criminal and the other is a kind-hearted man who hates doing bad things (really bad combo). Because they are two completely different people, they spend about twenty-three hours a day bickering with each other about what to do, leaving only a single hour to actually do it. They also face a major problem as they both share the same tongue, and they both hate each other's taste in food. Two-Face is easily distinguishable due to half of his face being acid-burned and the other being a dream guy. The dream guy half is the evil person within Two-Face (because girls dream of badass boyfriends) and the ugly half is the good half of Two-Face (because he takes all the blows of the bad half). The only single thing that the two halves can agree on is that their lives officially suck.
edit Life as Harvey Dent
Two-Face is the infamous Batman villain who actually used to be Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Kent. He is son of Jonathan and Martha Kent and adoptive brother of Clark Kent (Superman). His parents stopped paying attention to him after finding Clark in the Kryptonian rocket ship, who became their number 1 son. Harvey moved down the list to #2, a theme that would later surface in his 'second life,' so to speak. He never let on his anger for the Kents making Clark their favourite, rather he kept the rage and rejection buried deep inside.
During his college years he was top of his class, but his parents never noticed, as by than Clark had begun to develop his powers. This further cast Harvey in the shadows, so in a final effort to impress his parents he went to Gotham Law School, and rose to the ranks of District Attorney. His parents mumbled something about Gotham having poor urban planning with too few street lights and way too many shadowy alleyways, and he gave up trying to impress them.
As District Attorney he was under a lot of pressure to convict the da Vinci crime family, particularly Mona Lisa "Longhair" da Vinci, the matriarch of the family. This proved to be very difficult a task because the defense claimed the crimes committed were fakes, and not really works of the da Vinci family. This angered Harvey to the extreme, and the stress caused him to break out in hives.
It got very bad when on March 16, 1987, during his opening statement, Harvey stammered in court "Harvey Kent representing the people of the state of uh uh uh.." He could not come up with the name of the state Gotham was in for five minutes and was laughed out of court. The charges against the da Vinci's were dropped. To add injury to insult, Leo "The Brush" da Vinci (creator of The Da Vinci Code) poured a bucket of acidic blue paint all over Harvey's face on the way out of the courthouse.
After spending all night trying to scrub the paint off to no avail, Harvey snapped, and became Two-Face. He took over the Picasso gang and completely destroyed the leader of the Duchamp syndicate, throwing them down an icy staircase, naked in the cold. Before robberies if his crew questions him he will force them all to play Russian roulette, using sleight of hand to palm the bullets so there's no chance he can lose. Than he broke into the Gotham City museum and threw acid over the left sides of all their statues, beginning a new era of randomly generated crime that no psychological profile made by man or machine could predict, or so he reportedly confessed to a young newspaper boy, as he paid him with a giant nickle.
edit It takes two to tango
A nearby policeman spotted the Two-Face bickering with himself and believed that Harvey was now officially insane and attempted to take him in. Though Billy Dee agreed, Tommy Lee did not and ran for his life, with his one good leg, causing the police to easily give chase. As luck would have it, Billy Dee and Tommy Lee managed to escape into a movie theater.
After about two hours of bickering, the two finally calmed down and started to talk about what to do next. Billy Dee wanted to go home and forget about this day, but Tommy Lee wanted to commit crimes; more bickering followed. Eventually they struck a deal about what to do: they would flip a coin. However, this caused even more bickering as neither one of them could decide who should flip it, since they both controlled a hand. Finally after fighting for seven hours, they put it on a spring and flipped it, but then it fell evenly balanced.
The coin landed bad heads, and Harvey decided to commit a crime, so they then decided to rob the Ace chemical plant where Billy Dee Williams had his accident and turned into Tommy Lee Jones. However, it turned out that Batman had been inspecting there, familiar with the plants layout from when he disfigured Joker, and spotted Harvey, simply asking him what he was doing here. Harvey said that they were robbing the place, but Tommy Lee said he was lying, to which yet even more bickering broke out. Batman then quickly captured Harvey and sent to Arkham Asylum because he thought he was mentally insane.
While in Arkham, the Aaron decided to cheat fellow inmates out of their money playing cards and so they attacked him. However it was Harvey who took the blows, because the Aaron kept spinning him in the direction the fists were coming in. After so many hits, Harvey was badly bruised and deformed, and started to suffer from short-term memory loss. Harvey and Aaron both agreed that they needed a new name for themselves, one that was easier to remember than "Harvey Kent and Aaron ". So after much more bickering, they came up with the name Two-Face, a name which filled all the inmates with laughter.
Since that time he has been constantly battling Batman for title of 'most mentally ill comic book character.' He does everything in twos, in keeping with his name. This includes little things like having tuna fish for lunch and brushing his teeth twice a day. He is bi-sexual, and commutes to crime via bicycle; though he only works half time. His favorite musician is Tupac, and The Penguin got him a Toucan for their two year anniversary. Superman cannot battle him because as his brother, Two-Face knows all the spots where he is ticklish.
edit Type of crimes
Two-Face eventually got out of Arkham due to the fact that he had a really, really good lawyer (known as himself), and all the parole boards in DC are super liberal. Since his release, he has always committed crimes involving twos (meaning if there is five thousand dollars in a bank he will only take two thousand). Two-Face does still bicker with himself, but he usually resolves a lot of bickering cases by flipping his coin (or punching out one of his halves). Two-Face is usually drawn into doing a crime because Harvey Dent suffers from immense brain damage due to so much punching, that he doesn't realize that the coin is double sided (which explains why the Aaron Eckhart always picks heads). Often times Two-Face loses this double sided coin because he is not very good at flipping with his left hand (and his right hand is all deformed and lumpy). So Two-Face usually has a habit of stealing more coins from the joke shop (where he sometimes fights the Joker for them). Two-Face runs into Batman a couple of times, and since he is not very good at hands to hand combat, is often captured easily.
edit What's going on now?
Well, Two-Face's evil half apparently got a divorce, and as a result Harvey is now taking therapy. The psychologists are Arkham got him to switch from a coin to Tarot cards and other methods of random number generation including twenty sided dice, a magic 8-ball, the I ching and the William Burroughs cutup method, which he employs using a list of felonies and a phone book to choose his next crime and victim. He is also a clothes designer creating weird and tacky clothes out of multiple animals that he models on the runway himself. Harvey now hosts bingo nights at the assisted living facility for seniors across the street from Arkham Asylum for the criminally insane.
edit See also
- Coin: Don't tell Harvey that whatever side's up is technically more likely to be the outcome, or he'll flip!
- Probability theory: Probability, it's the law.
- The Phantom of the Opera: Batman's not the only one who grave robs a phantom.
- Daredevil: Is it a rule all super lawyers have to be physically disabled or be insane and talk to themselves like She-Hulk?