Twilight (2008 film)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Twilight is a film adaptation of the horrible book called "Twilight". Ever since this movie was a released, a new horde of screaming, hysterical people known as Twi-hards have thronged the cinema hall and online chatrooms, proclaiming their love for Edward Cullen a million times over even though he's fictitious character who will NEVER come and bite them. This film stars Robert Pattinson  and Kristen Stewart.
The film contains Three major plot
holes lines, which connect in major ways throughout the film.
Girl Meets Elderly Sparkly Vampire
The film (Gaylight) begins with Bella Swan, a young, gender confused girl, moving to a new city, which is called Sporks, Washington. From what she has heard, the weather in Sporks is always on an extreme level. The summers consist of waterless 243 Degree (Celsius) days; the winters, of 539 Below Zero (Celsius) days. Her overall outlook on the move to Sporks is negative, despite her mother's assurances of the roads paved with gold and the endless job opportunities. Upon moving to Sporks, Bella quickly gains that her mother had been blatantly lying to her about every aspect of the town. The roads, as she notices upon entering town, are cluttered with the carcasses of raccoons; the unemployment rates are astronomically high, and the only fast food establishment existing in the ramshackle city is called 'Vivian's Cheap Recycled Wig/Spaghetti Dinner Spot!'. Bella considers suicide, but decides to give the city a try. On her first day of school, she finds her 3rd Hour Family and Consumer Science partner to be an astonishingly pale boy. Upon following him around the school, Bella realizes that he does not eat, go to the bathroom, or wear undergarments of any sort. Her immediate thoughts on this boy, whose name, she learns, is Edward, are negative. Bella has strong feelings of hatred toward anorexics and emo kids. She opts to follow him home and kill him. She views this murder as a service to the community. Once she arrives at his home, however, she discovers that he feeds from the blood of animals. She attempts to shoot him with the cross bow, but he catches the arrow between his legs. He laughs, then tells her that he is a vampire. Bella wets her pants, loses a clump of hair, and smiles. A beautiful relationship is born.
Native American Boy Meets Girl Who Met Elderly Sparkly Vampire
Five months into her new life with Edward in Sporks, North Dakota, Bella encounters a strange, attractive Native American teenage boy standing by Vivian's Cheap Recycled Wig/Spaghetti Dinner Spot!. He vomits upon first sight of Bella, but then decides to attempt to make a friendship. At first, Bella is disgusted by both his breath and his unattractive scraggly black wig. She attempts to ram him with her Ford Taurus, which Edward purchased her for her 9th birthday. The attempted murder is witnessed by dozens of people, and Bella realizes that, if she befriends the one she rammed, she can avoid a lawsuit. She runs to his side, mumbling an improvised story of how her car dislikes colored people. The boy laughs, then introduces himself as Jacob Black. Bella takes this opportunity to set off her car alarm, in an attempt to convince Jacob of her vehicle's racist tendencies. The two embark on a friendship for the remainder of the film, with nothing special about it.
The Hi-Jinx of Father Christmas and his Disgusting Comrades
Half-way through the film, a mysterious figure appears in town. The man turns out to be Father Christmas. The citizens of Sporks do not object to his presence, in an attempt to make the Nice list. He gladly accepts the good behavior and the attention from the city folk, seeing it as an opportunity to carry out his master plan. Father Christmas begins a weekly event which he calls 'Get the Lap while you Nap!'. The children of Sporks rush to this event's debut, only to find Father Christmas sitting on a folding chair near the woods, shaking a bottle of Tylenol PM. Later in the film, Father Christmas invites his friends, Ben Franklin and Mayor McCheese, to embark on a destructive series of robberies in Sporks. The trio cause a spike in the crime rate, as well as several unexplained disappearances of both household belongings and pregnant house pets. The terror comes to an end when Jacob Black discovers Father Christmas' malicious plans, forcing Mr. Christmas to flee the city.
In the coveted 8 Disc Blue-Ray Special Edition of the film, an easter egg in the film unlocks an entire new Special Features Menu. Found here are many features that true 'Twihards' will undoubtedly shit themselves over. Included are videos of Kristen Stewart ATTEMPTING to show emotion while she is near a camera, Taylor Lautner hazing Robert Pattinson by forcing him to wear a shaggy black wig during oral sex, as well as many other examples of the hilarious hi-jinx the cast participated in while attempting to finish a film.
- (Easter Egg unlocked by pausing the film as Edward prevents a truck from colliding with Bella's defenseless body using a remote to navigate to Kristen Stewart's rather evident crotch bulge)
- Bella Swan (Played by Kristen Stewart) moves to Sporks, North Dakota, where she becomes wrapped up in the affairs of a large family of century old vampires. Although they are centuries older than Bella, she decides to cling to this family of attractive nursing-home-folk, in an attempt to draw attention to herself and win votes for herself in the upcoming 'Miss Special Olympics' pageant. Thanks to the sexual favors of the old vampires, Bella wins the pageant and uses her newfound power to open a JC Penny Retail Store in Sporks. After her major successes in the retail business, she takes an interest in the second oldest vampire. In a deleted scene, we see that Bella has a terrible time with flatulence and this is actually why Edward looks like he's going to puke the first time he sees her. Lay off the tacos, Bella! Your farts are nasty!
- Edward Cullen (Played by Robert Pattinson) forgets to take his dimensia medication on the very day Bella Swan moves to his hometown of Sporks, North Dakota. By forgetting his medication, he forgets his day-to-day schedule and decides to follow Bella around town. He discovers her infatuation with pregnant house-cats, as well as her biggest secret of all --- her strong sexual cravings for the elderly. He takes advantage of this weakness by leading her into the woods. There, he proves his true age by schooling her in a game of shuffleboard. They quickly become lovers.(and by the way... edward looks like he doesnt take a bath and looks like garbage and maybe smells like one!)
- Jacob Black (Played by Taylor Lautner) is a Native American who lives on a reservation near Sporks. He often wanders the city wearing a tangled black wig, which he found disregarded in an alley way. His shirtless antics challenge Bella's love for the elderly, but are not enough to win her full attention. He then resorts to planning elaborate Surprise Birthday parties for the members of the elderly Cullen family, thereby proving an interest that both he and Bella share.
- Father Christmas (Played by Bill Cosby) moves to Forks, Washington, to find a new best friend. Throughout the story, he appears in an array of detailed costumes and disguises, the best of which is demonstrated when he disguises himself as Jacob Black's father. During this intense scene, Father Christmas commands Jacob to complete a complex scavenger hunt. The clues are all hidden in highly inappropriate locations, including the back pocket of Matt Lauer, the panty drawer of Phyllis Diller, and, most memorably, the grave of President Richard Nixon. The hunt concludes at what Father Christmas' final riddle calls 'The sweaty kneeling point.' When Jacob reads this clue, he realizes that an imposter has disguised himself as his own father. Father Christmas panics. He quickly steals the Black's family funds, rapes Jacob, and disappears from town for the rest of the novel.
- Mayor McCheese (Played by Dakota Fanning) appears during the tyrannous rule of Father Christmas. McCheese decides to become a member of the local Young Women's Christian Association (YWCA) during his time in Sporks, only to find his fellow members' apparent dislike for both men and cheeseburgers alike. After a bitter parting of ways between McCheese and the YWCA, a severe thunderstorm, capable of producing tornadoes, settles over Sporks. McCheese rushes home to Father Christmas, only to find himself locked out of the storm cellar. In this epic scene, McCheese flees to an open field amidst the torrential rainfall and tornado-filled skies. McCheese begins to sing The Thong Song, only to be interrupted by a tornado. Before his grizzly demise, McCheese strips his clothes off and curses God.
- Ben Franklin (Played by Barbara Walters) is a key player in the evil plan Father Christmas has for Sporks. Ben Franklin is known throughout Sporks as 'The Father of Most of our Children', due to his inappropriate actions during his time off.
- Fat Mormon Whore trying to be William Shakespear (Played by Stephenie Meyer) I think her name sums it up.
The soundtrack of the movie Twilight consists of many classics, as listed below.
- Strokin' --- Clarence Carter
- Proud Mary --- Ike and Tina Turner
- Silent Night --- Classic Christmas Song
- Party in the U.S.A. --- Miley 'Children of the Corn' Cyrus
- Hey Jude --- Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Performed by Dakota Fanning and Phyllis Diller
- Jesus Loves Me --- Performed by Dakota Fanning
- The Thong Song --- Performed by Dakota Fanning
- Vampire --- Antsy Pants
- Rock Me, Sexy Jesus --- The Cast of Hamlet 2
- I Ate a Corndog --- The Decemberists
- Sit on My Face --- Monty Python Crew
- The KKK Song --- Robert C. Byrd