Turtle

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“Save me from the wee turtles!”

~ Groundskeeper Willie on turtles

“I like turtles”

~ Kid on Being a Zombie

“Sea turtles make fine transportation says I!”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on Transportation
The Common Turtle usually hides in underground water systems.
Another natural habitat of turtles.

The turtle is an amphibious animal with an armored shell, an M1 helmet, night-vision goggles, an AK-47 assault rifle, a nasty disposition, and great sharp teeth a cute little tail. It also has an interesting adaptation - its ability to breathe though its anus underwater. All turtles possess the natural ability to shit while they eat and to close or open their assholes at will.

Turtle Fan

Contents

[edit] Important InFormation

If you see a turtle, do not approach it, as it is most likely John Howard, who has been seen acting as a turtle since he lost the last election. If a turtle must be approached, then take the following precautions:

1. Wear a blue hat.

2. Avoid vampires.

3. Don't even begin to think of how the last two steps could make sense.

4. Throw some Ninja stars

And you're all set!

The billions of turtles on and off Earth communicate in various ways, mainly through groans and other bodily sounds. They speak turtlish, and have a large vocabulary. Turtle Head hehehehehehehe

But please take to note not to eat turtles, as doing so has been known to bring about the wrath of God, as well as cause implosive diarrhea.

In winter, it is common for all turtles to migrate (assisted across larger bodies of water by pre-chartered cruise ships) to Switzerland, where they can be found skiing from approximately the middle of November until early April. Ordinarily, unless something goes terribly wrong, all turtles migrate to a single Swiss resort, with the location being undisclosed outside the turtle community.

Because of their trips, and the necessary cruise planning involved, turtles have become renowned as some of the best travel/vacation planners within the animal kingdom. Expedia is run by turtles, as is Travelocity. Currently, there is a large buyout in the works of Google, by turtles.

[edit] Natural Enemies

Turtle = Taral Patel, so his natural enemy is hard work. He is so lazy that he wouldn't breathe if he didn't have to. Honestly, it might be an improvement....? Turtles, being some of nature's fiercest predators, have few natural enemies. Of this small, elite group of cyborg animals, however, is the pirate bear and of course cabbage. While most bears are docile creatures from the fish kingdom, pirate bears feed plentifully on the jewel encrusted turtles of the Mediterranean. These specific turtles provide the basic nutrients necessary to power a bear's warp core. Humans have also, at closer inspection, realized that they have one more natural enemy, the dreaded Ba Ba Black Sheep. Seeing that there are actually to ba ba black sheep not one the turtles are having a hard time surviving and some of them are almost all dead now because of them Human natural enemies are THE GUJU and this big green hot dog.

NOTE: Badgers have been known to side with turtles in legal disputes involving property claims.

This is a wonderful photograph of the Pirate Bear.

[edit] Lots of Even More Turtles

  • In 1973, Stephen Hawking theorized that turtles play a major role in cosmology. His proposed model, "Turtles All the Way Down", combined an infinite stack of turtles with the principles of general relativity. Unfortunately, this theory had to be scrapped because it turned out to be totally inconsistent with godless evolutionism and the laws of quantum cheddardynamics.
  • Turtle is also the title bestowed upon the champion of a "turtle match." All participants crawl into separate sleeping bags, and proceed to pass gas. The person who can put up with the stench the longest is a Turtle
  • Turtles are also the surname of the Austrian royal family, comprising to the inheritors to the Hapsburg Throne. The family was initially started by the gay dance troupe the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and their incestuous Latvian accountant Master Splinter. To celebrate the founding of the family, Splinter transformed into a rat (as is customary in Latvia)
  • The Earth rests upon the back of a huge turtle, which in turn rests on the back of another huge turtle. Turtles-turtles-turtles, all the way!"
  • Turtles are the Truth. Turtles are therefore the guiding principle of every star-fleet officer, according to Captain Picard.

TURTLES ARE DELICIOUS!!!

[edit] Cooking with Turtles

Turtles are the primary ingredient of Turtle Soup.

[edit] Turtle Soup

The important thing is not to use the turtle, because if you use any part of the turtle its fellow turtles will find out and they will come for you in the night. Via your sock drawer. Anyway, don't use the turtle. Instead you may substitute any kind of meat, but prime tarantula steak is best. Simmer for approximately 2 hours until the potatoes are moderately soft and the steak looks like something a human would want to eat. Serves 4. You might as well as huff the turtle while your at it by pulling it out of its shell and eating it. WARNING: Turtles may cause food poisoning.THEY WEIGH 800 POUNDS!!!!(:

[edit] How to recognise a turtle

  1. It's like a big flat green snail, but round.
  1. They go "peekaboo" when put under peer pressure to Huff Kittens
  1. Usually drives a Douche Trough.
  1. Proudly boasts about its future success, which will never be achieved under any circumstances ever.
  1. They have hard outer shells and lead rich inner lives. I can just see the envy leaking out of your soul
  1. Can also be identified by asking the following question:

"Are you a turtle?" If they respond with the following statement they are. If anything else is said, they are NOT a turtle "You bet your sweet ass I am!"

  1. All turtles have two heads and sometimes, depending on the breed 10 legs
  1. If you smash it on your head and it hurts.. it's most likely a turtle. OMG like Becky, her but is so big OMG I just shit myself. Turtles for life! They will take over the world some day. You won't even know what hit you.
  1. Turtles will fucking kill you if you call them tortoises; Tortoises will kill turtles if you call them tortoises. This is a depressing but deeply true fact.

RAY

One of the rarest types of turtles that can be found are the species known as the ray. Little known fact is that these are also the uglyist form of turtle that you will find.

these turtles are homosexuals and dislike work. they are found in the deep south of New Zealand and can found in such dwellings as the inch bar or other similar places where homosexuals are commonly found. the shell never changes no matter how tatty it gets. and is usually a hand me down.

Caution if you see one of these do not approach. it will latch onto male genitalia. if touched by one of these it is highly likely you will get some form of terminal infection.

[edit] Terrorists are Attacking Turtles!!!

Turtles everywhere around London are being bombed by terrorists.

Instead of bombing the train stations of London, terrorists have chosen to bomb turtles! (No one knows why). They are killing turtles, and even worse they are using their shells to make their own underwear. If you wear underwear that is made from turtle shells, you are a terrorist. The head of all the terrorists is none other that, George Bush. Yes you heard me, George Bush.

[edit] Turtles in Space

["First space turtle]

Turtles currently reside on Earth, but since their first trip to space, they have been slowly migrating to Venus. The turtles find Venus, what with the excellent climate and girls there, much more suitable for living. However, unbeknownst to most of the populace of the Earth, this migration is causing global warming. The slowly warming planet has nothing to do with CO2 or acidification, it is simply the turtles. The scientists who support the global warming theory have been paid off by the remaining turtles who have yet to migrate to Venus to be with the hot girls. As the turtles depart Earth, they make tiny (or large if the turtle is fat) turtle-shaped holes in the Earth's atmosphere, causing the sun's rays to reach the Earth more easily, and is actually a plot by the turtles to murder us all and bring the girls from Venus back over. The scientists who have been paid off have no idea of this plot; however, it is still a good idea to buy umbrellas to protect yourself from corrupt raging scientists in their bathing suits with a bad sunburn.

[edit] Turtles and the Meaning of life

Turtles are the meaning of life. The logic can be explained as thus:

  1. Turtles are alive.
  2. We as human beings and psychotic clowns are alive.
  3. Therefore, we are all turtles.
  4. If turtles are us and we them, then if turtles are dead;
  5. Bunny rabbits will take over the world.

As such, human beings cannot survive without turtles, and we must worship them by placing them in cages, boiling them in stew and creating television shows about them.

[edit] See Also

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