Turkmenistan

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Türkmenistan Jumhuriyäti
Unimportant Republic of Turkmenistan
Turkey


(Flag)	(Coat of Arms)

Motto: How happy to be a Turkman, and bathe in the golden light of Turkmenbashi!

Anthem: "Independent, Neutral, Turkmen State, When The Train Arrives, It Is Never Late"
Popular state anthem, written and composed by Turkmenistan's Glorious Leader, Saparmurat Niyazov

Capital

Aşgabat

Largest city

Aşgabat

Official languages

Turkmen

Government

Glorious Republic

President for Life and Death too

Saparmurat Niyazov

National Hero(es)

Saparmurat Niyazov

Declaration
of Independence

October 27, 1991

Currency

Glorious coinage of Saparmurat Niyazov

Religion

Glorious worship of His Greatness, Saparmurat Niyazov

Population

* 1 Saparmurat Niyazov
* 4,833,000 delighted subjects
* Countless poultry

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Turkmenistan.

Turkmenistan is one of the poultry republics that broke away from the USSR. Despite his death on December 22, 2006, it continues to be ruled by glorious president-for-life-and-afterlife Saparmurat Niyazov, who made it the best nation the world has ever known. It is located in Central Asia and scenically borders the Caspian Sea. Turkmenistan (like various other countries in the neighbourhood including Turkey) is populated mainly by hybrids of Turkic humans and poultry, called Turkmen. The name Turkmenistan derives from Persian, meaning "land of the gypsies]". The name of its capital, Ashgabat, means "the City of Arsaces" in Persian. It also loosely translates as "the city of love" or "the city that gypsies built", derived in folk etymology from the Arabic ishq for "love" with the Persian suffix abad for "inhabited" or "built".The gypsies built this city not on rock and roll but on dead bodies and headbands of knowledge.

[edit] Geography

Geography is one of many subjects that are banned in Turkmenistan public schools. The Turkmenistanian authorities argue that learning of such things as geography, mathmatics and reading will pollute the minds of the Turkeykids, which is what children are affectionately called in Turkmenistan.

In a speech directed at the countries youth, the current Director of Public Education, Slad Bravislawistanimanistanian, even went so far as to say, "geography shmeography!" This declaration was met with a deafening round of applause from the congregated masses of Turmenistanian dirt eaters and Turkeykids. This reaffirmed the current ban on teaching the subject of geography.

The punishment for even saying the word geography in public is quite severe. Though it cannot be confirmed, rumor has it that the punishment involves vasoline, baking soda, paprika, lemons and paper clips. Incidentally, the country's citizenry cannot understand how the letters "ph" in the word geography can make an "f" sound. Therefore, the people generally do not worry about the punishment for saying the word geography since they cannot pronounce the word in the first place.

Outside of Turkmenistan, amongst so-called experts whose neutrality cannot be guaranteed, it is said that Turkmentistan consists largely of desert with patches of arable land around rivers and the Caspian Sea coast. Turkmen officials refuse to confirm or deny this but the Turkmenistan Minister of Agriculture has been quoted as saying "Turkmenistan has glorious natural quantities of sand."

[edit] Culture

All Turkmen are required to sing, dance, and scream about the greatness of President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. Isn't that a great system? Although it is unclear as of the time of this writing what they will sing, dance and scream about following the demise of President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. The local scholar believes that the populace will then sing, dance and scream about the demise of the President-for-life, Saparmurat Niyazov, but that is mere speculation.

[edit] Government

Turkmenistan is a democratic and free nation as well as being neutral. The President of Turkmenistan is the Turkmenbashi who resides in the Presidential Palace and never moves from his chair due to his devotional duty to his country and countrymen. In 2006, Turkmenbashi's spirit left its body which, as a result, may appear dead; but this is not the case although unfriendly and non-neutral countries in the region and elsewhere keep repeating this lie. The Turkmenbashi cannot die and, even in heaven (where he now resides) he remains President of Turkmenistan and his earthly remains have the same status. Because he is devoted to heavenly concerns, the Turkmenbashi often delegates many tasks to a man called Gurbanguly Berdimuhammedow who is a loyal servant of the Turkmenbashi and not a president as lying and partial nations will claim.

Tremble before His neutrality!

The legislative bodys of Turkmenistan are the People's Council and Assembly, both of which are elected with joy by the many happy people of Turkmenistan. On a general election day there is always a 100% turnout and the Turkmen people vote 100% for the Democratic Party of Turkmenistan. The name of the party is proof that the party is democratic and many nations, envious of the joyful unity of Turkmenistan, claim the elections are not free and fair. This is not true and a United Nations man in Turkmenistan watches the elections. I have spoken to him and he has said "these elections are free and fair." You can't argue with him. Many non-neutral nations say this man does not exists and that his words are made up but this is a lie. They also claim they cannot find him but this is because he doesn't want to talk to them, so sickened is he of their lies! He is from Turkey and is called Robert Turk. How could he not be real if I can tell you his name? He is the Divine Overlord or all of the starving locals and would flog them with reeds if they could not pose a great enough challenge in the game Dungeons and Dragons after the flogging he would soak them in in honey and throw them in a bee hive farm. After 24 great years of running the crap hole of a country, his DND character inserted the staff into the mountain (not supposed to be a sexual pun) and got completely obliterated. two days later the famed leader committed suicide due to extreme depression.

The legislative bodies make the laws of Turkmenistan and all these laws have pleased the Turkmenbashi. This is not like America where non-neutrality and moral squalor mean that President Bush (a very stupid man) passes laws that many Americans disagree with. I think that shows which is the better country!

[edit] Military

Prepare to quake! The Democratic Republic of Turkemistan is capable of deploying one million heavily-armed soldiers into the defence of its neutrality (or to defend the neutrality of another nation from non-neutral aggression). In addition, she can field many thousands of tanks and attack helicopters and her airforce can blot out the sun. These are all real and are not toys in Turkmenbashi's backdoor sandpit as liars have claimed!

[edit] Prostitutes

Turkmenistan's prostitutes are the dirtiest and cheapest in the region; and that's guaranteed by the government. Each Turkmen prostitute has an official seal of approval which can be found on their ass.

[edit] Demographics

[edit] Saparmurat Niyazovs

Main Article: Saparmurat Niyazov

Sadly, there was only one Saparmurat Niyazov in Turkmenistan. He made our realm even more glorious! Even so, it is gloriously great and wonderful that Saparmurat Niyazov was our President-for-Life. He was the wisest, most transcendent being the world has ever known, and his sage, peaceful policies made Turkmenistan the greatest country on earth. Except for the public beatings, ethnic genocide, death camps and cattle rapings, Turkmenistan is the most peaceful country in the world. Even Marion Barry once said on visiting Turkmenistan, "hey, except for the killings and death camps and all, this place is great! They got some great smack too!"

[edit] Turkmen

Glorious Turkmen people are required to praise Glorious President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. Because of this, they are the happiest and most wonderful people on Earth when they aren't being herded into death camps, publicly beaten or forced to watch their cattle being raped.

[edit] Poultry

Free-range, caviar-fed Turkmenistani chicken gloriously service President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov's glorious economic policies.

Much of Glorious Republic Turkmenistan is wide-open, sandy desert which allows its indigenous species of chicken to roam around in free-range style. Turkmenistani nomads are shepherds to the chicken flocks.

Although most of the country's population is Turkic, there are no turkeys in Turkmenistan. On the other hand, for reasons not really known, there are turkeys but no chickens in neighbouring Turkey. This may be related to linguistic change across the Turkic language group, or maybe not. This is a matter of great debate among Linguistics scholars in universities around the world. Many Ph.D. candidates in Linguistics undertake research in Turkmenistan for this very reason.

The Caspian Sea holds great numbers of sturgeon, which yield eggs that are processed into caviar. Turkmenistani chickens simply adore caviar; and their caregivers feed it to them frequently. Caviar makes Turkmenistani chicken truly premium.

Turkmenistan is the leading chicken producer in Central Asia. Consumers abroad demand free-range, caviar-fed Turkmenistani chicken, and especially because of the high quality standards enforced by the country's strict laws and regulations that govern all aspects of daily life in the country. The Turkmenistani government takes its chicken seriously.