Turkmenbashi

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Turkmenbashi.
Turkmenbashi auditing a tomato

"Confess! Have you had any unkind thoughts about Turkmenbashi?"

Despite his death (Death to liars!) Despite the fact that Western propagandists have fooled most of the world into believing him dead, we know that the immortal Saparmurat Niyazov remains the Turkmenbashi, the great leader of Turkmenistan. He was born in nineteenhundredandsomething. Turkmenbashi is most known for his ability to ban stuff lead the glorious Turkmen nation into a new Age of the Turkmen. No other politician in history has been more favorable towards banning alternatively promoting things than him, but while ordinary politicians ban stuff using almost scientific reasoning, Turkmenbashi bans forcefully improves the obvious nuisances of life. He wanted to follow Ataturk; but Ataturk succeded sucked, Turkenbashi sucked suceeded. Although he copied Ataturk's name as Turkmenbashi Although Ataturk pre-emptively copied his name, knowing full well that Turkmenbashi would need it later. Both of them have the same meaning.

edit Banned (This section is a lie, Turkmenistan is free)

Since he came into power long time ago, he has successfully banned:

  • Breathing without a licence
  • Opera (the performance)
  • Opera (the browser)
  • Oprah
  • Pat Robertson
  • Recorded music (as part of the Dictators for Real Rock initiative)
  • Long hair for men
  • Fun.Boredom
  • Beards
  • Gold teeth
  • Chewing tobacco
  • AIDS
  • Toilets
  • Television newsreaders who wear makeup (he couldn't tell the men from the women)
  • Wheel of Fortune
  • Bad weather
  • France
  • Virginity
  • RealPlayer
  • Opposition
  • Spider webs

edit Turkmen Calendar

Because of his reforms, the Turkmens live in a distorted space-time enlightenment. He has now:

  • Banned all the names of the days of the Week. Now they are all named after someone's mother. Restored the historical names of the weekdays in the Turkmen calender.
  • Banned all the names of the months. Now they are named after someone's mother, and her cat Fluffy. (The month of Fluffy is a time of celebration, wherein all found shoeboxes are burned in a ritual bonfire in the desert.) Restored the traditional names of the months, and instituted the Feast of the Melons, wherein all Turkmens are well fed.
  • Banned the 24 hour day. Turkmenistani time now goes by the planet Mercury and one day in Turkmenistan is now 176 earthdays. That means a year is 88 days, except when it is the month of Fluffy where a day is 9 hours after the planet Jupiter. Actually, the day is determined by the orbit of the spacebound copy of Ruhnama (see "Book").

edit Future projects

  • Compulsory speedlimits for light
  • Building an icecastle in the desert
  • Proving his mom is Harry Potter
  • Getting a Special Edition iPod made after him
  • Defeating Warcraft 3 champion Kim Jong-Il
  • Hiring Hugo Chavez for his cabinet as part of a PR campaign
  • Bringing his mother back from the dead with the Necronomicon

edit Failed legislations

  • Making FOX News coverage fair and balanced
  • George W. Bush

According to Turkmenistan's official figures, Turkmenbashi holds an approvalrate of 600%. This is possible because Turkmenbashi wields six times more power over his citizens lives gives six times more happiness to his people's wonderful lives than any other president.

edit Book

Rukhnama is the single most important book ever written. It contains history, poetry and theology as stated by the infallible Turkmenbashi. It is no small wonder that Turkmen children are the most educated in the world, with this textbook.

However, Turkmenbashi wishes to share his wisdom with the whole world. For this cause, he has published his book in every language known to man, and every language yet to be known to man.

A giant talking version of the book may be found, for the illiterate who may be reading this, in Ashgabat. It conducts readings round-the-clock, just underneath the rotating, gold-plated statue of the President, which constantly reflects golden sun-rays upon the book.

He has even afforded astronauts his erudite learning by having the slave-state of Kazakhstan launch a copy into space. It reached Jupiter this October.

edit See Also

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