Turkey (animal)
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“WE DO!”
“IT'S ME! I was the Turkey all along!”
“Turkey's alittle dry, (GASP) The turkeys alittle dry!!!???”
“My last helping of white meat was drier than Oscar Wilde!”~ StewieGriffin on Turkey
"Quit laughing, dumbass... YOU'RE NEXT!!"
“O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him; how he jets under his advanced plumes!”
“Has anyone seen my friend Mr kiwi he was meant to give a bikini wax and then he is going to eat cornflakes out of my vagina”
“Tisn't, I wrote it just this morning over my oatmeal.”
Known to the American indians for millennia but only introduced to the European table in 1530, the turkey is a little larger than a goose and -- as is the case with Dolly Parton -- has more prominent breasts. Males appreciate this, and as a result the male has a fan-shaped tail which he uses to cool his overheated genitals during the mating season. They enjoy rap music, and take pride in their drooping face-testicles. Turkeys have also becom increasingly popular with creepy animal enthusiats such as Cesar Benito who is a world renown turkey marraige consoler.
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[edit] Biology, Physiology, and Psychology
The common domesticated turkey is fed a high-protein pelletized diet fortified with enzymes, vitamins , growth hormones, plasticized skin enhancers, plutonium, gorgonzola cheese waste,urine, and modified genetic material from mutant rats. "Organic" turkeys are fed on wholesome, natural feed like washed sand, distilled water, and air.
These animals have weird properties! If you throw them into the sun to see how long it would take to cook it, it would be unhealthy.Most turkeys are rabid,evil beasts who love to attack farmers and lawyers by pecking their legs off and dragging them into turkey hell,known as the Bernard Matthews turkey processing factory. In the Bernard Matthews factory, turkeys are subsituted for farmers and lawyers, and we end up eating farmer and lawyer ham/burgers/meat/mud. Wild turkeys, which roam the woods and alleys of America, feed on acorns, pomegranates, lobsters, honey, and cometary debris which they catch as it falls to earth. They roost in cottages during the summer, and during the winter build tunnels in the snow. Over the course of the winter these tunnels fill with molted feathers and dung, and after snowmelt the detritus forms "eskers" or "turkey runs" -- winding mounds of debris on the forest floor.
Male and female turkeys mate in the fall, and in the spring the female turkey lays 4 to 8 eggs while the male builds a small cottage in a seaside town like Brighton, Newport News, or Warsaw. The young hatch in May, or if transported to New Zealand, refuse to come out of the egg until promised health coverage.
Turkeys have shelly laminae or plates covering their backs, much like those covering tortoiseshell cats. In the wild these protected them from hail, lightning, and sabertoothed wolverines; and also provided them with excellent television reception in the days before cable. Male turkeys have a "wattle" -- a fleshy, nasty-looking growth which hangs down beside their beaks. This aids in mating; while the female stares in horror and repugnance at the male's wattle he stealthily ups with her petticoats and has his depraved way with her.
Psychologically turkeys tend toward pessimism, melancholia, and a detached, ironic outlook. Their laughter sounds forced and guttural -- more sarcastic than lighthearted. The examining psychologist never hears a turkey expound on the beauty of Leonardo da Vinci's Moaning Lisa or on the life-affirming qualities of Cheever's The Wapshot Chronicle. They perform poorly in tests like the Stanford-Binet Rubik's Cube, and more often than not follow a self-destructive lifestyle which ends in early decapitation, evisceration, freezing, and packaging, followed by death.
[edit] Economic Importance
Several American holidays traditionally make use of the turkey. Thanksgiving, the day set aside to honor the primeval feast provided by the Chuckatagooney Indians to the White Folks (not actually white and often called "Pinky"), features a roast turkey as the centerpiece.
Christmas, the date of Druidic Yule and pagan winter solstice celebrations, also makes use of the turkey as a central dish. In this case it symbolizes Jesus Christ, who got stuffed for the sins of man. While Christmas is celebrated as the "birthday" of Jesus, His driver's license shows He was born in late May and not on December 25.
(As an aside, it is interesting to note that Jesus was licensed to drive a motorcycle but not a commercial vehicle weighing more than 4 tonnes GW. Furthermore, His trick of riding two donkeys at once into Jerusalem would probably have gotten him ticketed had it not been a holiday.)
Easter, celebrating Jesus' resurrection as a rabbit, also sometimes features roast turkey although ham -- the sliced-off arse of a hog -- is considered more traditional. Oddly, rabbit is seldom served on Easter despite the "bunny connection".
Every year tens of thousands of domestic turkeys are put to the sword worldwide, their succulent meaty carcasses bound for the table. The price is set by TURPEC, the Turkey United Raising, Producing and Exporting Cartel.
The wild brethren of domestic turkeys meanwhile wage a silent war on the oppressors of turkeykind, kidnapping humans and pecking them to death. Few know of these crimes; the media have been gagged and world leaders keep silent for fear of global panic. Investigators who happen on one of these grisly cases report "spontaneous human combustion" or something similar as the cause of bitches. You have been warned.
[edit] Military
While most people believe that these attacks are random new information points to something entirely different. A man dressed in a turkey suit has infiltrated the turkey's domain and has discovered that the small herds of wild turkey's above ground are never far from a hole leading to their underground city known as Zion. The capital of these hidden cities is located directly under the mythical country of Turkey. In recent weeks the Turkeys have been amassing huge armies of Turkey's and getting funding from the Woodchuck in return for wood to chuck at people. The Turkeys plan to then take over the world, just like everyone else. Unfortunately for us, the Turkey's have the advantage. It has been confirmed by the CIA and FBI that they do have WMDs. They have begun to create alliances with many other species of animals, planning to slowly turn on each one after world domination is complete. That is all the information we have because the man in the turkey suit's "wattlecam" was destroyed as he was pecked to death. The last images we have before this is a turkey eyeing the man as he took off the suit to answer to the call of the wild. We of this news reporting station claim no responsibility for this man's stupidity. Stop trying to rape the poor little stupid turkeys, please, i beg you. Leave them alone.
