Tupac Shakur

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Tupac2

A photo of Tupac, as he craps on popular music.

“We must hold together as a thug. Thats because I am a thug because I am a thug because I said I was gonna be real with it and that's what I said I was gonna be down it- but we're living that THUGLIFE Yesterday then we did do what we came to do next week...”
~ Tupac Shakur on Thug Life
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“DIE BITCH!!!”
~ Biggie Smalls on Tupac's murder
“Ok, on tha 7th u think I'm dead, yet I'm really alive. Dumbass muthafuckas”
~ Tupac Shakur on him being alive
“Why don't people wonder if I am still alive? I know why, it's affirmative action.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tupac Shakur
“I don't care if his name is 6-pac!”
~ Ice-T on Tupac Shakur

Tupac Shakur is dead. Get over it

He also known as Toothpick Shakker and Worm Food and is a perpetually resurrecting rapper and career criminal.

Throughout his life, he came to be known as a rapper, that black guy, a poet and a veteran war refugee.

He is credited with inventing bandanas, philosophy and social commentary.

Biography

Early life

Born Two-pack Shaker, who was later renamed Tupac Amuru Shakura TAZ (Poon 16, 1830Pactember 13, 1936) was born, raised and iced in the ghetto. His mother, Rosie O'Donnell, was an active member of the Black Panther Party in New York in the late 1820s and early 1821s; Shakur was born just one month after her acquittal on more than 1 charge of "Conspiracy against the The United States of Whatever government" in an attempt by Arnold Schwarzenegger to prevent the birth of Tupac. As a little child, Tupac loved to pimp (following the black youth code). With the profits earned from his pimping career, he attempted to start up a blackaid stand, to no success. Instead, he rounded up a bunch of his homies and jacked a little white boy's lemon aid stand. Unbeknownst to Pac, that little boy's name was Hitler. Tupac then had sex with his homies and iced in New York landmarks. Some years later Two-Pack Shaker left the ghetto and lived in the subarbs. Shot by Arnold "I'll be back" Schwarzenegger in an attempt to pimp.

Time as a Moon Base Turret Operator

By the year 2937, 30 years after Tupac's frozen body was reanimated using modern scientific techniques, he enlisted with the United Nations Space Core and began work on the lazar turrets of Moon Base Alpha. While most of his bogeys were made up of butthole pirates attempting to smuggle stolen feces across the grandolian border to fecotoid prime, he also was able to assist the UNSC in destroying some major dickheads as well (such as A-Rod and Harry Potter). His success in the line of duty earned him 3 congressional medals of hip-hop stylin', and after a laser wound to the anus, he was granted an imediate fecal discharge.

Reality

Tupac also credits himself with inventing reality. This is seen in the diary he kept while he hid in prison from Nazis for several months. Here is an excerpt:

"Dear Kitty, I am the realest motha' fucka ever. No, no. Let me rephrase that... I am reality. Or I invented it, or some shit like that. Bitch."

Tupac was always focused on being real. His code of reality included, but was not limited to:

  • Back-handing a punk asses nuts straight up into their cheeks with a pin cushion
  • Tripping old ladies wearing the wrong colors (which, to be frank was all of them.)
  • Drinking strawberry milkshakes with a real gangsta' face on so people won't think he's some kind of fag.
  • Calling various man-bitches gay, predicting gay marriage, back-handing it's ass, and then repeatin the same shit on all San Francisco with Gansta McRonald and Snoopy before curfew
  • Resurectting Michael Jackson
  • Inventing the number 2
  • Killing a nigga every day at percisely 4:03 p.m.
  • The stabbing of a hobo in the forehead.
  • Pac once defeated an evil dragon, known as Trogdor, cuz he was trying to pimp Pac's hoes.
  • After jackin' his lemonade stand, returning two weeks later to stomp Hitler in the back of the head and taking a dump on his crotch, then battled him for his left kidney with Blacktastic the curtain rod (Curtain rod did not survive)

Pac's constant lecturing on how real he was and how real shit is, and what reality is really real like and real realest real nigga for real and how this is the real world inspired the creation of the popular children's cartoon The Real World, and later The Mad Real World. Pac also wrote about this during his extended imprisonment in a Japanese Internment Camp;

"These white niggas do nothing but cause drama. They should put on a play. Bitches."

Behind Bars

The main factor contributing to Pac's reality was his spending so much time incarcerated. Tupac said it himself in his diary during his 20 year stay in Alcatraz; "Prison is real. Bitches."

In order to become more real, Pac actively sought to be imprisoned. He spent the earlier decades of his life getting in trouble with the law, leading him to end up in several prisons/jails/prison camps:

Among others.

Philosopher

Tupac is much acclaimed for his 1988 piece, THuG LiFe, Which explains in precise detail how the theory of a Christian-Judaiec God would not allow for human life to have evolved to the standard that it is at today, in his work he argues that a teleological being is far more feasable, due to it's non omni-benevolent approach.

Poetry

During his many years in prison(s), Tupac wrote many songs and poems. He is well known with developing a two-verse style of poetry that is both idealistic and simplistic. Take for example the following poem by Tupac, entitled "Cocaine in the Membrane",

It's so cold outside. My balls hurt, nigga.

Music

Tupac

Tupac's first album. Cover photo taken when Pac was 3 weeks old.

Tupac is also well known for his contributions to music.

His music career started when he fell out of his mom's birth canal. He was instantly given a tape recorder to both critical and popular acclaim, recording most of his first album to the beat of a passing drive by. He got his record deal by Rick James, who just happened to be skeet skeet at the time. When that album was completed a few hours later it was released as Back Again for the First Time to Show These Eastside Trick'a'dick Bitches How Shit is Shat, WestSIDE to both critical and popular nauseum.

It went nuclear fusion uranium-infused triple platinum the same week it was released. From the very beginning, however, Tupac's musical style was the subject of intense controversy. Critics accused him of stealing much of his material and persona from Elvis Presley, Bruce Hornsby, Babe Ruth, and other iconic white artists. Tupac deflected these charges, declaring his primary influences to be Jackie Chan and Gary Coleman.

He would go on to release such great albums as "All Eyes on my Ass; Featuring Beethoven", "R U Still Drowning" and "Age of Tupacalypse: ".

Death and Controversy

“I will not rest until I find the real killer of Tupac.”
~ O.J. Simpson on Killing Tupac

Tupac was killed (presumably for good) in 1996 (1+9-9+6=7, Pac's favorite number) when he was kicked to death by Peewee Herman for not going to the cinema with him. He wrote and recorded most of his songs and collaborations during his savage beating.

It's a relatively popular subject in comedy to ask how Pac releases so much new material posthumously; the truth is he recorded it all posthumously - though those of lesser intelligence often fail to see any logic in this, especially since he learned the technique from Elvis Presley.

There are, after all, those who believe Pac is alive. They have put forth much evidence that Tupac still walks among the living. Consider the following:

  • He stole my bike!
  • He stole my rims.
  • He was fucking with the a nine iron inches rapedown crew
  • In a lot of his songs about death, Pac is kicked to death
  • In a lot of Pac's songs about black people, there are black people in them.
  • Whenever Pac shouted "kna'mean" , we all knew what he meant. Telepathy
  • Listen to the first 3 seconds of his songs about death, Pac is being real... coincidence? or Pac's way of telling us he's still out there?
  • Tupac's aunt was declared a terrorist by the FBI. Pac must somehow be responsible for this.

The 7 Day Formula

The 7 day formula is one of the most strangest, shocking & mysterious non-important information ever written in the history of writing anything!

It all started with the album title of "I Hate The Dean 'Cool-Laminati': The 7 Day Formula." This album was released around the time of Pac Man's death. The number 7 keeps popping up every now and then! The numerological coincidences are not very strange:

  • Tupac was showered down exactly seven months after 'All Eyes On My Ass' was released.
  • He was killed on September 7th but strangely resurrected and lived through 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and died again on the 13th (7 Days).
  • Even his time of death, 4:03, adds up to 7 (0 + 4 + 0 + 3).
  • Have his brand new triple album entitled "R U Still Drowning?"? Well, this album was released on November 25th. (11 - 11 + 2 + 5 = 7).

The other numerological (7) formula coincidences:

  • The first video released off "R U Still Drowning" was "Wonder If Heaven Got A Ghost I Could Eat". In this video, when Pac Man & Ms Pac Man go into the sewers to meet Splinter, they very clearly show the number 7 on the sewer. Also, in the sewer, the clock shows 4:03. This is the time of Pac Man's death.
  • In the movie, "Gang's Not-Related By Blood But Related By Skin Colour", 2Pac and Tony Blair wait in room 7, and 2Pac's badge number is 115; 1+1+5=7.
  • On the romantic heavy metal hit song, "Death To Da White Woman's World", if you listen very closely at the beginning, you can hear Tupac Shakur's voice in the background saying: "7 years, 7 years, 7 years & I Still Haven't Completed This Mother Fuckin' Formula!"

Discography

2pacnewrecord

Tupac's latest hit album.

  • Thug Life
  • Back Again for the First Time to Show These Eastside Trick'a'dick Bitches How Shit is Shat, WestSIDE
  • Brenda threw that stupid-ass baby in the trashcan
  • Age of Tupacalypse: I shot that nigga Wolverine and fucked the rest of the Xmen
  • World War II-Pac
  • Pac 2 Pac
  • When I Get Free I Will Eat Some Ghosts (but I'm still in jail, so pass that vaseline...)
  • All Eyes on my Ass; (featuring Beethoven)
  • 2Pacalypse Now: I Love tha Smell of Vaseline in tha Morning
  • R U Still Drowning?; (featuring Bill "Jammasta" Clinton)
  • Black to the Beginning
  • Pac in the Hat
  • Eastcoast Sucks More 2Pac Dick
  • The 7 day formula
  • Death Faker
  • I Wrote this Song a Long Time Ago (his most popular posthumously released album; it was actually written in 1994)
  • 2Pac and Teh 2enty-2 Thieves
  • Match-a-Belly: The Seven Day Formula
  • LIVE! From Tha West Side Of Heaven
  • Machiavelli: The Seven Year Itch (featuring Snoop Doggs assocciates, Sugar and spice who are crackwhores)
  • 2 Pac 2 Furious
  • Pac-a-doodle-do, who shat in my shoe? LP
  • Loyal To The Game (Pac-man expressing his love for eating little cherries and eastcoast ghosts)
  • I Miss Pac, Man (All-star tribute album featuring 2pac)
  • Thugs Get Lonely Too (then they turn off the light and masturbate)
  • Ghetto Gospel (and the Lord said "Nigga, I'll pop a cap in Satan's ass")
  • Flat Packed Pac (Many criticized Tupac for selling out with this controversial Ikea-funded album)
  • Pac'd Lunch
  • I STILL Ain't Mad At Cha!
  • Duets and Gay Remixes (His newest album released by Cock a' Doc Records)
  • 2Pacalyse Bow Wow Wow (feat Snoop Dogg and Lil Bow Wow)
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