Tuna

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“I... DROPPED THE SCREW... IN THE TUNA!!!”
~ Kel Mitchell on Tuna

Tuna is considered to be the most intelligentest fish in the world, having an IQ of one for founding the School of Fish some 300,000 centuries ago. This school turned out to be a bad idea because of the tuna staff's inability to use a blackboard from having no arms and hands. Another reason for the school being a bad idea is the lack of education, causing all fish to lack intelligence. This is the reason why so many fish end up being caught in nets and on fishing lines by humans. If you don't like tuna period see Tuna pants.

Goldfish2
A Tuna

edit Human Usages of Tuna

edit Tuna in the Middle Ages

Mapletuna
The frozen tuna's appearance in Maple Story.

In the dark ages tuna was mostly used for battling giant fighting robots and killing donkey kong. Then tuna was used as a weapon in the 1500's by medieval knights, and were used to knock their enemies off their horses during battle and beat them over the head before slapping it across the face of the horse. Approximately 700,000 men and 700,000 horses were killed daily from being beaten up by tuna, proving that the tuna is mightier than the sword. Gunpowder was later invented by Vietnamese cannibals who went to England and had a huge feast. This is the first known time that tuna has been used as food.

Though not the general opinion amongst experts, it is considered a possibility that several ancient races used a variant of the tuna, called the frozen tuna. Artisans were thought to have crafted them by literally encasing the entire fish in ice, a technological feat that was not rediscovered until AD 2101. The frozen tuna has experienced recent popularity in Japan, being featured in videogames such as Maple Story and Power Stone. As well as this, the frozen tuna is commonly used as a weapon in Middle-Eastern fish markets. Despite it unsuccessful at being a weapon of mass destruction, fishmongers use frozen tunas to beat their employer, unhappy customers or suspected terrorists over the head with.

edit Tuna in the Second World War

Tuna was used in World War II by US and British military personnel for killing village people by being dropped from military aircraft. This was successful in some cultures, but not in others, such as the Vietnamese cannibals who used cannonballs to shoot all the tunas before they hit the ground. They then shot the planes down because their dinner (the pilots) were in the plane.

edit Tuna Tossing

Tuna tossing is a sport which was first played around 200AD in the Athens Olympics as an alternative to shot put. The farthest throw on record was thrown by American tuna tossing champion C. J. Hunter in the 1980 Summer Olympics in Russia, and was thrown about 25km. The fish, however, never really made it to the ground. It was found lodged in the fan disc in the engine of an airliner in Bangkok. This came as a huge shock to the aviation industry and international troops were sent out to resolve the problem of 'flying tuna'. After months of searching, no tunas were found anywhere in the skies, and it was later discovered by aviation professor Al Titude that the fish was involved in a tuna tossing contest. Tuna tossing has since been banned worldwide.

Another reason for this ban is that a man once saw a tuna tossing itself. The sight was so terrifying, he instantly caught noname cancer. There have only been two reported cases of the noname cancer, making this one of the rarest cancers in world history. The other case, however, was inflicted on Bob Marley for being too good at singing.

edit Nigerian Cooking

Nigerians also make a traditional stew out of smuggled tuna and illegally import soiled female hygiene products. Bloody-Rag Tuna Surprise and chips, was created by former Nigerian Prime Minister Ray Stubbs and a close Scottish born friend who played for Liverpool at football and is often seen on British supermarket ads and Match of the Day. The Nigerians believe the dish creates a special form of flatulence which helps them to insulate their igloos.

edit King Tubsy

Tigershark
King Tubsy the 3rd, a very well known tuna who fought in the Moose Tossing war in the 1500's.

King Tubsy the third was a brave example of a perfect tuna. Defeating mass armies of plankton invading his homeland, he was declared the most honorable tuna in the history of milk. King Tubsy was known as a kind tuna, always willing to help. Thus, when a young swordfish asked for some advice on starfish care, he had him beheaded. Tubsy died in 1576, at the age of twelve thousand and nine, from a vicious attack by a pack of wild sea horses.


edit See Also

Personal tools
projects