Tulip bulb

Money doesn't grow on trees, but it does grow in the ground.

The tulip bulb is a unit of currency in the civilized world. It is the greatest unit of currency currently in circulation. It is equal to over five ships, or approximately half a Jesus.

Origin of the Tulip BulbEdit

They grew on tulips.

Origin of the Use of a Tulip Bulb as CurrencyEdit

According to cave drawings tulip bulbs were used first by cavemen to exchange cavewomen. A caveman gave one or more tulip bulbs to another caveman and a number of cavewomen roughly equal to the number of tulip bulbs exchanged would stop following the original tulip bulb holder and start following around the new tulip bulb holder. Obviously this wasn't a very good system as no caveman would ever want cavewomen following him around pestering him for food, clothes, children, to listen, or to say "I love you" for real, etc. but cavemen were pretty dimwitted so they continued the practice.

Estimates of the Worth of a Tulip BulbEdit

The most recent recorded estimate we have for the tulip bulb's worth is from 1648 (although less reliable estimates date back much further), when it was found to be worth about 5.7 ships. We have evidence that since then it has undergone a brief period of rapid inflation and then resettled and has been an extremely stable form of currency since. We believe that it is now worth approximately 15 copper-coated zinc disks with picture of some 19th century terrorist on them.

History of the Approximate Worth of One Tulip BulbEdit

Two Onions

While this may appear to be worth over ten ships in reality these are onions.

Here we are comparing the tulip bulb at different times in history with other stable currencies.

  • 10000 (BC) - 1 cavewoman
  • 648 (BC) - 5 canoes
  • 0 - .5 Jesi
  • 648 - 5 triremes
  • 1648 - 5 ships
  • 1815 - 5 US dollars
  • 1817 - 2 US cents (as US currency stabilizes)
  • 1819 - 1 tulip bulb
  • 2004 - 4 billion Wikipedia articles
  • 2005 - 4 Uncyclopedia articles
  • 2008 - 60 billion Zimbabwe dollars
    • one minute later - 90 trillion Zimbabwe dollars
  • 2012 - 3 milliliters of oil
  • 2013 - Nothing, since zombies don't use currency
  • 3000 - 42 space dollars
  • 3648 - 5 starships (yes, there's a difference between spaceship and starship)
  • 4648 - 5 timeships
  • 5648 - 5, umm, better timeships
  • 40000 - the powdered corpses of five hundred immolated heretics, for the Emperor!
  • 45000 - the drained blood of the slain False Emperor, for Khorne!

Why use the tulip bulb as currencyEdit

You may think that there are stabler currencies out there, and you may be right. However, there are many reasons to use tulip bulbs instead. Below is a list:

  • Scare people.
    • Like, seriously, what would you think if you heard "I give you five tulip bulbs for that diamond"?
  • Investing them in a bank gives 200% interest.
  • They rot away. Give them to someone when they are beginning to. Joke's on them.

See AlsoEdit