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Tsathoggua (in Hyperborean 'Leave me alone, I am not well and could throw something unpleasant onto you at any time.') is an abnormally fat furry bat and toad-like creature who happens to be a god for the ancient people of Hyperborea.
Tsathoggua is eternally sleeping, those who dare awaken him are instantly devoured unless they bring a sacrifice, which the god instantly devours before eating the intruder with a side order of Pork Butts.
The reason people try to awaken him is not known, he is too lazy to imbue mortal practitioners of magic with superpowers, too slothful to teach spells, too uncaring to worry if people actually worship him or not, too oblivious to see if his flock actually follows the commandments that he was too sleepy to give his chosen prophet whom he devoured by mistake. As a matter of fact, the reason Tsathoggua is considered a god is not even known. Heck, you don't even get high if you lick him, his dong is not a good ingredient for magic spells and he is too damn difficult to visit. Obviously praying or making sacrifices to him is useless.
Even so, stubborn individuals who call themselves "Tsathoggua's witnesses" like to knock people's doors and preach about how Tsathoggua loves you and he sent his son Zvilpogghua (or Ossadagowa, depends who you ask) to die for your sins. They even wrote a book inspired by Tsathoggua which says that he created the universe in 30 days (which is an obvious lie, we all know the Flying Spaghetti Monster did it, dumbasses) sometime in 1929 (Do you know anybody who was born before that?).
According to a guy named Joe who bought me a drink last night, Tsathoggua's Witnesses chose him because the other Great Old Ones would sue their collective asses if they found out. (and Zvilpogghua lives in the planet Ymar (Alfa-Persei-5) and is as lazy or more than his old man).
Of course. Tsathoggua is the only god without a lawyer.
Tsathoggua and you
Kewl shapeshifting abilities
Tsathoggua has been known to shapeshift from time to time, Once he shapeshifted into a toad-like gargoyle with hundreds of feet, it is rumored that back when he lived in Saturn he had his head underneath a spheroid-like body. Wait a minute, he always shapeshifts into something fat or toad-like, that's not really kewl. As a matter of fact that is not kewl at all. That lazy bastard.
How to find Tsathoggua
WARNING! You will not benefit whatsoever if you find him. Undertaking such endeavor is an enormous waste of time and resources just to be eaten by His Slothfullness. and no, Billy Crawford from Wichita Falls, it is not cool to be devoured by a mythical being (or by anything else, for that matter), it does not get you high despite your tantrums!
Tsathoggua dwells in the continent of N'kai, which is somewhere in Vermont. It's fairly easy to get there, just follow the trail of bones spit by the God in the past. (Tsathoggua is the World Distance Spitting Champion, after all, he is a god) until you find this queer looking temple. Tsathoggua is the disgusting fatso sitting in the obsidian throne. If the god starts singing, you have reached Kirstie Alley instead (that means you will be devoured anyways, as Ms. Alley is known to have developed hamburger vision (the uncanny ability to see everything that moves as oversized hamburger patties.))
Things you should never do while visiting Tsathoggua
- Put his hand in warm water, It's not funny.
- Draw mustaches on him, you just are getting closer to his maws.
- Put shaving cream on his hand and tickle his nose.
- Lick his back.
- Peep talk him.
- Criticize his choice of drapery.
- Suggest he applies for Extreme Makeover.
- Do Peter Griffin impersonations.
- Sing a medley of Barbra Streisand.
- Slap him and call him Judy.
- Carry any Weight Watchers product as a sacrifice.
- Compare him to Roseanne. It's sooo '90s.
- Try to convert him to Christianism. For the last time, he will not accept Christ as his personal savior.
Always remember, whatever you do, don't sneeze.
Things you should do while visiting Tsathoggua
- Ask him to impersonate Mr. T. It's hilarious!
- Bring some gravy. He likes it.
- Try to get him to use his kick-ass shapeshifting powers.
- Try to get him high. No one has done it. Make yourself a part of history!
- Take snapshots.
Remember, he will devour you anyways, better make it as enjoyable as possible.
What? are you telling me that you're gonna wrap yourself with explosives and blow up inside Tsathoggua's body after he devours you? Why do you want to do something so idiotic? Let's say you are that moron.
It is a bad idea because...
- You will die, you idiot.
- Even when it is good that there's one moron less in the world, he is a fucking god and he will reform in 1.3 nanoseconds and he will be really pissed off.
- After he reforms he will defecate you and resurrect you with his l33t god powers and then..
- ...he will go Sodom and Gomorrah on your ass before devouring you all over again.
- You won't go to Heaven because...
- You suck.
Religions based on Tsathoggua
The One Church of Our Lord the Bat Furry Bloated Toad was founded by a guy named Phil who needed some quick cash for booze while stumbling around Grand Central Station. The first draft of the Book of Tsathoggua was scribbled with a pencil stub in brown paperbags. Later Phil would know another guy named Phil who had the idea to expand their business. Tired of every other religion that did not put them in a position of influence and power they decided to start their own. They photocopied the first edition of the Book of Tsathoggua and rented an abandoned coffehouse for their weekly worship.
Excerpt from The Book of Tsathoggua by Phil (not THE Phil)
Like, He came unto me and stuff and I said "wow", and he said "Well, like, you have to do as I say and stuff" and I said "Why?" and he said "Well, because if you don't do it you will be, like, really really uncool and you won't go to heaven that I had remodelled with the forty strippers for every dude because you carried a bomb or something like that" and I said: "Wow, I totally dig it, I had, like, this mystical revelation thingie" and I said, "Well, You are so god and so divine and stuff, and, like, well, gimme those commandments to take them to my people or something like that" and he said: "Wow, like, you are so cool and so popular that if you bring my word to the people and stuff, like, there is no reason you won't get laid and, like tell them that I don't like when people are rude to each other because that's so uncool and makes Baby Zvilpoggua cry and here they are and don't stain the tablets with pizza because, I will get medieval on your sweet little perfectly round ass and stuff and, well, here are, like my commandments and stuff"
The Book of Tsathoggua is 6000 pages long and they all look like this one.
The True Cult of Tsathoggua
Every true Tsathoggua's cultist knows that the witnesses are doing exactly the opposite of what the God intended. The True Cult tries to emulate, as accurately as possible, his exploits.
The Commandments of Tsathoggua revealed!
- Repeat as necessary
Tsathoggua's mortal sins
- If you cannot sleep on it or eat it, it is not worth your time.
- If you are reading this or writing this you are obviously not a true formless spawn of Tsathoggua and you deserve to be devoured.
- If you are thinking in complete sentences you are doing something very wrong.
- If you use silverware or chopsticks to eat you are eating the wrong way.
- If you want recognition of your religion you are wasting precious sleeping and eating time.
- Cooking is an abomination upon the eyes of Tsathoggua, enslave or marry someone else to do it for you.
- Don't ever think about visiting Tsathoggua, he doesn't care.
The Cult of Tsathoggua is unique amongst the many religions of the world because you don't need to donate time, money or any kind of resources. As Tsathoggua is a very busy god he won't even care if you praise his holy name or not. You don't even need to be aware of his existence to be a cultist,
Currently there are ten million true cultists of Tsathoggua in Florida alone.