Trumpet

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“I hate this section”
~ Andrew To tue tooc teutstska on trumpets.
“The sound radiating from the instrument makes me feel like a man.... a manly man that likes the ladies.. (winking at the ladies at the front row table)”
~ Oscar Wilde on the sounds of trumpet music while he gets hammered.

A trumpet is a mystical musical instrument used to herald and signify an important historical event. The trumpet is often regarded as the 'original' instrument in that it predates music and most compositions are either written for the trumpet or its derivatives - all other musical instruments.

It is also a widespread weapon of terror, mainly used by marching bands in High schools on the 17th of May of each year, which is their "Constitution Day." The use of trumpets in this fashion allowed the Norwegians to become the world's most feared superpower.

Going along with this tradition, most trumpet players use their instruments like lasers of ridiculously destructive sound. They are often heard repeating this mantra before any rehearsal: "point, shoot, maim, kill!"

Many say that the trumpet falls short in the area of music, because "Percussion instruments are much better". We all know this is bullshit, though.

Creation of the Trumpet

Trumpet2
A Typical 666 valve (some are hiding) Trumpet

Following his accidental invention of calculus while attempting to describe planetary motion, Isaac Newton set out to create perfection. After several years of hard work, he finally succeeded in producing the first trumpet. Newton also accidentally invented music in his quest for the trumpet. This later sparked the creation of other instruments to play music such as the brass, woodwinds, percussion, and finally strings.

This explosion of instruments following the creation of music has led to most of them being labeled as either 'derivative' or 'inferior' to the first instrument: the trumpet. Most humble trumpet players have denied these remarks with statements such as:

Cquote1 Well, they're really almost as good as us. Cquote2
Cquote1 If you listen very very closely, you can almost hear the woodwinds. Cquote2

But because humble trumpet players are an endangered species, the truth is more likely often to be, if you will, trumpeted.

Relationship with the French Horn

While the trumpet is certainly a superb instrument, it has festered an eternal rivalry with the French Horn.

The trumpet has tried desperately to "out-range" its twisted rival. When it comes to aesthetics and tone, the French Horn has won continuously. With luck, and a new design, the trumpet and its fanatics will find a way to surpass the Horn. Until then, the trumpet sulks in its rival's shadow, slowly exacting revenge by hiring Sousa to compose "enthralling" Horn parts.

The trumpet also uses the mellophone to target French Horns, by forcing them to march with a cheap trumpet copy that has been carefully designed with a larger bell to cause arm and pinky finger stress, with the hope that Horn players' arms will fall off and become useless, leaving the trumpet to claim the throne of Ultimate Instrument! (deep breath)

Timeline of the Trumpet

The First Trumpet

Angel GayO
Gabriel blowing his own Trumpet as per normal

Several seconds before the creation of the rest of the universe, a gigantic trumpet blared a sound so deafening, if anyone would have been around to hear it, we would actually know how loud it was. This signified that the age of the trumpet had begun (the age of the trumpet shall never end, so all other instruments should submit now before they are smited by the almighty power of the trumpet sections) The first man discovered this trumpet, and passed it down to his children, then they to their children for many generations. Eventually, it passed through the hands of Louis Armstrong. It's now in the hands of the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Il, who recently used it to fake a nuclear explosion. But the shock was so great that it made his hair stand up and now he has to wear funky sunglasses because of the glare of the brass. Update: on Kim's death, the trumpet's whereabouts were no longer publicly available; however, speculation is rife that it has passed into the keeping of the Mafia, who refused to comment on this issue at a recent press conference. Apparently Birdman has offered to trade the Maybach Exelero for it.

The Creation of Fire

During an episode of Survivor: Prehistoric Ethiopia, the contestants from the "Oooga" tribe were pitted against the "Booga" tribe in a footrace. In order to attain victory, and create an unfair advantage, the "Oooga" tribe conspired to destroy the village of the "Booga" tribe. Seconds before the raid on the village, a trumpet was played by Survivor host Jeff Probst. The "Oooga" tribe was given kerosene and matches, created the first controlled fire, and won immunity.

The Great Pyramids Of GIZA

The building of the Pyramids (ca. 2560 BC) was presaged by the longest trumpet solo ever played. Initially planned for a modest 10 months, the actual solo went on much longer, ending after a tiring 20 years of non-stop blowing. The Egyptian pharoah's original plan was that to play the trumpet until just three seconds before the creation of the pyramids, but unfortunately (since Egyptians were terribly stupid) the trumpet had to be played during the entire period of construction, since there was no pre-arranged completion date. And being a trumpet player he was well aware that everyone would have a far more enjoyable working experience if the constant sound of he.

The Origin of Oral Sex

Girl Blows Well
Apparently this girl blows well. Very well.

It is believed that fellatio was invented during the 18th Century BC when a drunken prostitute was asked by a client to blow a trumpet to herald the invention of a new sex act. With no actual trumpet handy, the woman turned to brothel owner Hazmi "The Trumpet" Sirini, and proceeded to "blow" him from the part of his anatomy that looked most like a mouthpiece. Once again, however, this created a paradox, since this "trumpeting" was in itself a far more important historical event (and sex act) than the one it was supposed to initiate, which, in turn, has now been lost to history.

The Trojan War

While many believe the Trojan Horse remained silent as it stood outside the gates of Troy, recently unearthed eyewitness accounts suggest it was in fact filled with the sound of trumpets blaring constantly from within. But prior to the Trojan War, the Trojans were never part of a significant historical event, and thus never understood the significance of the trumpet. Their ignorance was costly, as Greek troops inside the horse stormed Troy and bludgeoned everyone with their mouthpieces. Or rather the body parts most resemblant to mouthpieces.

The Assassination of Julius Caesar

As the first dictatorial ruler of Ancient Rome, Julius Caesar bears the distinction of being the first Roman ruler to have his assassination preceded by the playing of a trumpet. Subsequent rulers and emperors carried on this tradition for many years before finally realizing they would live longer if trumpet playing were banned from important public events such as chariot races and gladiatorial contests. So overall Julius Caesar was a big dumbass.

The Commandments

16 Commandments of The Trumpet were passed down from the heavens by Moses just before he received the 10 Commandments. He, being a weak, idiot trumbone player (redundant statement), decided that seventeen commandments were just too heavy to carry down the mountain. Later on he sent up his brother, Leibz, to bring the rest down. And they are:

1. Maynard Ferguson is thy god. 2. Thou shalt not have any other god besides him. 3. Whatever goes upon three valves and/or slide is a friend so long as it bears the name trumpet. 4. Honor thy superior trumpet demi-gods (unless of course, however unlikely, you become a trumpet-god yourself). 5. Thou shalt not attempt to out-do another trumpet, unless in competition (to trumpets, everything is a competition). 6. No trumpet player shall obey, listen to, and/or heed the outcries of other instruments because tis thy job to oppress them at all times. 7. Thou shalt tell the 1st trumpets they suck until thou recievest the coveted chair of 1st.

8. Woodwinds are a waste of wood, abuse them. 9. Thy official animal shalt be the trumpetfish--thou shalt not deface it in anyway, shape or form, without first signing a waiver. 10. When thou fellow trumpet receivests a new trumpet, thou shalt not covet it unless you have a way to obtain it[1] 11. Thou shalt not question the counting skills of other trumpets be it when to enter or other such countings. 12. Trombones suck, befriend a tuba player if they allow you into their group. Thou shalt not play with thine own mouthpiece. 13. Thou shalt heavily abuse the mouthpieces of other sections. 14. Thou shalt throw your mouthpiece at the conductor. 15. Thou shalt entirely disregard tempo and blast away at your own discretion. 16. Thou shalt never play down an octave.

Some people think that the 8th commandment was sneakily added in by a flute. Others believe that it was none other than trumpet satan. Still, the most popular opinion is that Miles Davis, jealous from not being chosen as thy god, flew down from the heavens and imprinted it with his mouthpiece while Ferguson was not looking.

  1. Where historians agree.

The Birth of Jesus Christ

While the birth of Jesus may be well-documented by various reputable sources, it was never actually explained how a trumpet fit into the equation. While it is commonly held that a trumpet was present, this has been almost impossible to prove until recently, when The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, in his effort to re-write the history of Christian belief, changed this passage on the birth of Jesus:

Cquote1 Indeed, there was a trumpet present, and it was played, before the crowning of little Jesus by Jesus's mother Cquote2

The trumpet was also used during the birth to allow Jesus' mother to hyperventilate during her contractions.

Jesus Did Something

Big-trumpets
My, what big ones you boys have

During his 30 or so years of complete ownage, Jesus was followed by twelve men who played trumpets and other brass instruments wherever he went, playing just before nearly all of his important miracles. These twelve "apostles" are generally regarded as the first Dixieland Jazz band in history.

The Modern Era

Many people today consider the trumpet's impact and effectiveness as a precursor to historical events to be somewhat lessened, primarily due to the fact that it is only used now to signal the beginning of horse races. These people are, of course, insane, since anyone with a proper appreciation of history knows that horse races are the only events of any significance whatsoever that are taking place during modern times.

There is of course one music style in the modern era thus being Ska. Ska consists of many "instrumentalists" who play as loud and as fast as possible. The importance of the trumpet is to squeak really high for a long time to make your ears bleed to death.

The 666th Trumpets

An alliance of the greatest of all trumpets forged in the deepest fires of the Underworld, the 666th Trumpets ruled the world with an iron fist for untold milennia. All who would dare stand before them cut aside by the destructive tones of their specially formed Über Trumpets, a single one created by smelting the metal of 1 trillion vanquished trombones, infusing them with the tortured souls of another trillion woodwinds, and tempered in the fiery Blood Furnaces of Mars. Each Über Trumpet is then tossed across the reaches of space 7,000 times before smashing into the planet Earth. Every time one is created, the other instruments war against the trumpets to vie for the Über Trumpet and attempt to re-forge it into a lesser instrument, most notably the secret plot of the woodwinds to steal the most recent Über Trumpet, Razthaxox, spanning from the Revlutionary War, until the woodwinds were finally defeated in Operation: Desert Storm. However, if a being other than a 666th Trumpet were to touch it, they would instantly de-materialize and then reappear, only to explode and rain fire upon their loved ones. Knowing that their powers were too great and that war would rage eternal between the sections, the 666th Trumpets hid themselves in the darkest corners of a Midwestern American high school. Though they were thought lost for 10,000 years, Whispers among the High Council of the Brass speak that one day they will return to the mortal realm and unite the trumpets in a final crusade to either unite all brass, or destroy all who would stand in their way. Either way, all woodwinds will be destroyed mercilessly and thrown into the Cauldron Atra'kahn, God of Magma.

Trumpet Player Types

It is generally agreed by most that there are several distinct types of trumpet player, with their own unique approach to the instrument, but most of them are cocky as hell. The sexiest kind are the girl trumpet players.

"Lead" Trumpet Players

These trumpet players are stuck in a register above high C. They obsess constantly on range, regardless of tone quality. They try to hit the revered double high C every day. Most lead trumpet players sound terrible, but they feel the need to endlessly point out others mistakes. Hated by most of the band. Lead trumpet players fall in the Egotistical trumpet player category 98% of the time.

Extremely Egotistical Players

These are usually the types that stick wholly to the trumpet, and are usually musical geniuses who know all too well that they are un-replaceable. They play when the conductor tells them not to, just because they know they can get away with it. They also tend to be teacher's pets, as they are the best players in the band. trumpets always are the best, and the teacher knows he can't get rid of them. Very annoying if you happen to be a brilliant player, as you get stuck under them every time.

Musical Genius People

These are people who tend to learn all the instruments within their grasp, just to piss others off. They tend to scream out correct fingerings for various sections of the ensemble, whether they are sure of them or not. Tend to be trash-canned the most out of anybody.

Brilliant Players

Brilliant players are masters of the trumpet, some of the few musicians who will actually listen to a conductor, and take their advice into account. There will always be one or two of these in an ensemble, unless the ensemble is fucking shit. These players are often granted the task of keeping other players in line. Best found dealing out ownage to the 1st part. These players often carry around three trumpets, one of which is in C, for the off chance they are handed a part in C, rather than Bb. This way, although they are perfectly capable of transposing it, they can play with ease (or laziness, depending on your view point.) This holds true unless the player is actually a French horn player with trumpet as a secondary, in which case transposition is the only option -- the French horn / trumpet personality combination leads ego to trump laziness every time. Usually you may find them around the first 1-3 (4 if you are a lazy motherfucker) chairs. They usually account for 31415926% of the sound of the band, on and off the field (or in and out the concert chairs depends on what ensemble you happen to be in.

Good Players

Good players are reasonable at their instrument, although they can get distracted, and may have trouble with the music. These players make up the bulk of most ensembles, and are most useful as whipping boys on the 1st part, decents on the 2nd part, or virtuosos upon the 3rd part.

Sometimes, however the good players are good enough to advance to 'almost' brilliant players. Rare as it is, when it happens, you usually have two trumpet players who are both amazing and ready to kill each other with their egos. Ego fight! Good time to take bets, kids.

This category also includes ska trumpeters. However if stoned, high, in the midst of sexual conduct, stoned, too busy laughing at the clarinettists, flutists,bassoonists,conductor , and/or stoned,(basically a total of 97% of the time) these trumpeters drop down 2 and a half classes

The Marching Band Trumpet Specialist

One of the most highly debated trumpet players of all. These players are generally bad-asses and play so loud that Mel Gibson himself would not want to get his family back as long as this player would quiet down. These players can play the loudest out of the band, and dont suck at it either. They are also very bad at concert band, for they cannot actually play musically. they can just blare notes and walk around on a field, and call it music. nonetheless, they are bad ass mother fuckers. They are feared throughout the marching lands. Sadly, its a tough life for these players for two reasons. Between the months of badassery, they almost totally useless to an ensemble. Also, they are known to have long dicks that are soft when not marching, which scrape on the floor causing friction burns, and light the penis of the player on fire. And everybody knows the only way to put out penile fire of the trumpateer is with tons of lube, valve oil, spit from the valve, and the blood of a trombone player.

Terrible Players Who Don't Know It

Not good player who often mistake themselves for brilliant players may be defined as "Terrible Players Who Don't Know It". They will make frequent mistakes in pieces, however they do not seem to miss entrances. When they make mistakes, they will keep quiet, to avoid bringing the mistake to anyone's attention. Best on the 3rd part, although seem to be on the 1st part frequently.

These players also have a confident personality, brushing aside criticisms of their playing by coolly replying, "It wasn't my part." Unfortunately this trait also ensures that, despite being often repulsive to the attractive female woodwind players, they are convinced that they ooze sex appeal and attractiveness. They are wrong.

Terrible Players Who Know It

Not good players, although may have some potential. Often miss entries due to bickering amongst each other, conversations may include "You're fucking shit.", , "Jesus, can't you hit that note yet?", and lastly "Shit, where are we? You were supposed to be counting.". In the event of a mistake, these players will be more likely to exclaim, usually loudly, and with particularly colourful language. This is known to happen at performances as well as rehearsals. Best suited to the 3rd part, although can be whipping boys on the 2nd part, or the 1st part if they REALLY focus (or care, see below), which never happens.:)

Terrible Players Who Just Don't Care

Nobody has yet worked out why these players are even in an ensemble, as they seem to not care at all about the ensemble, and are the main distracting factor for all other players in the section. They will often not even bother to play during pieces, and when they do, it will definitely sound bad. In a perfect world, these players would be forcibly ejected from the ensemble, however this never happens. Best suited to a 3rd part, or a curb stomp in the face, if possible.

Whiner Babies

Players fall into this category because either: 1. They are freshman; or 2. They just happen to get fucked with the wrong part and want to make a big deal of it. These players are usually trying to replicate the tendencies of Brilliant Players, though you cant help but notice that by doing this, they constantly get told PLAY THE RIGHT PART. These players have loads of potential but they shoot themselves in the foot by making themselves hated by directors/ section leaders, etc. These players are usually put on 3rd part, but then steal a 1st trumpet part and learn it over night, just to prove they can.

Music For Trumpets

The repertoire of the trumpet consists mainly of Concertos and Fantasies in F, but the work widely accepted to be the most representative of the trumpet is Paul Hindemith's Sonata in FFFF.

The trumpet is also known to have offbeats, though not as often as the perennially offbeat-playing French Horn. If you're in a band that has offbeat-challenged trumpets (other than the one female) don't bother stomping your foot on the offbeat while trying to play the onbeat, or enlisting a seasoned off-beating French Horn player for assistance ... just turn around and knife them with the closest thing available (eg. Clarinet, oboe, bassoon reed, lyre, or a supersonic-speed flying trombone slide. Dont worry you'll still have the one trumpet that can actually play... hopefully.)Or, you can just continually knock their teeth out with your mouthpice, or "thing that resembles mouthpiece".

The Trumpet Player Handshake

TrumpetEns1 450px
A group attempting to ensemble a trumpet

As many people may know, most trumpet players have a distinct and unique personality. (Especially trumpet players that often play as loud and high as they can at random intervals in a musical piece) Trumpet players are often cocky, upstuck,showoffy and altogether assholes . This is most greatly displayed by the trumpet players "secret" handshake. The hand shake consists of walking up to a person, making eye contact, reaching out and grabbing said persons hand, and shaking it while confidently saying the phrase "Hi, I'm better than you."

Update: It has been discovered, deep in the trenches of newbie trumpets, that a new handshake has emerged.It involves spit from the valve brushed into ones hand and pretending to shake hands. Often, someone leaves with a stinky hand, and another emerges victorious, with an evil laugh (see villains)

Girl Trumpets

There are four types of female trumpets. The first is typically attractive, but shit at playing trumpet, and are total sluts. These trumpets are extremely dedicated to their music, and practice every night with little to no noticeable results. They may or may not deserve a kick in the face. The second type of female trumpet tends to be "one of the guys", and is as talented as the brilliant players. They stick out due to the sheer imbalance of sexes in the section, and tend to keep the dumb-asses in line. The third group is the best, because they are just about the hottest girls in the band. They are okay at the trumpet, but it doesn't matter cause these chicks are just as perverted as the guys but can still keep their femininity. The fourth are the innocent ones. Everyone loves them and they are usually talented on trumpet. They are cute, and guys love them even though they are not perverse at all. Guys usually love tease them, but if they had to, they would kick an ass to protect them so they can pretty much do whatever they want.

How to Play the Trumpet

Before you can be taught, you must know the History:

This secret has been withheld by Leibz (moses' bro) and has only been disclosed to a chosen few. In addition, Leibz was present 3 seconds before the playing of the trumpet which predated the beginning of history, therefore further complicating the temporal paradox. However, the mother of the trumpets predated even this, truly, nothing was before her except Maynard Ferguson. Fortunately for this so called "Liebz" (who created the Xeno), the account of the mother was debated upon for years, and has since then been cast out of the light. However, everyone knows that the elderly, elegant Strad, created by Hydn (Moses' other bro), knocks out the Xeno, hands down. So really, its not about playing the trumpet that matters, its the kind you get. Amen, bro.

Until one day (Historians cannot pinpoint a specific date. Somewhere between the Beginning of the Universe to the end of the Trombone Age, a.k.a the Age of Darkness.), Hydn was killed. Killed by the very thing of beauty he had created, the Strad. Then, an insignificant little Trumpet Boy came rushing down from the Mountains above. Wielding a Standard Xeno in his hand. He cast the Strad to the abyss where it belonged with a note so high and BADASS, that the Strad was unable to cope with the PURE AWESOMENESS! From the sound of the Xeno, Hydn awoke from his eternal slumber, and fell down in awe of the Xeno. And for the first of many times, the Xeno saved the day. The Great Lord, Maynard Ferguson, then came gracefully down from the Heavens, and blessed the Xeno, forever making it the Lord of all Trumpets. And the twelve chosen men who wielded the Great Xeno, became the followers and disciples of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who then proceeded to teach the world the sheer awesome power of the Trumpet and how to wield it.

Of course, Jesus only taught those he deemed worthy and obviously, as statistics show, the people who read this are most likely unworthy to learn, therefore, this is the end of "How to Play the Trumpet"

Quotes

“Back in my day, trumpets didn't suck. Wait, yes they did.”
~ Jacob Kaplan on trumpets back in his day
“Trumpets? Fuck trumpets!”
~ Non-trumpets on trumpets
“BEER!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on On the life of a Trumpet player.
“Fuck, I'm cold!”
~ Trumpet Player on a routine mistake
“Fuck, my valves!”
~ Trumpet Player on another routine mistake
“That's what she said!”
~ Trombone Player on Trumpet Player on both formentioned routine mistakes
“Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ... Trumpets!”
~ Confectionary Bear on Trumpets
“Those who can't do, teach; and those who can't teach play trumpets”
~ Bitter P.E. teacher
“Play your mouthpiece often, and in groups! Polish them too.”
~ Andy Wags


See also

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