Trumpet
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The trumpet is the best musical instrument in existence. It is used to herald and signify an important historical event. It is also very smexy. So, so smexy. So smexy, they make (insert smexy person of your choice here) look like bird crap. And bird crap is not smexy.
It is also a widespread weapon of terror, mainly used by marching bands in High schools on the 17th of May of each year, which is their "Constitution Day." The use of trumpets in this fashion allowed the Norwegians to become the world's most feared superpower. But fear is smexy. Just ask (insert evil smexy person here)
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[edit] History
Trumpets pre-date history by three seconds. This can be assumed by virtue of the fact that the beginning of history would have, by definition, been an important historical event and therefore must have been preceded by the playing of a trumpet. However, it has also been revealed from excavations at ancient archaeological sites that the first event ever in history was the creation of the trumpet itself, which itself must have been preceded by the playing a trumpet, creating a temporal paradox .
[edit] The First Trumpet
Several seconds before the creation of the rest of the universe, a gigantic trumpet blared a sound so deafening, if anyone would have been around to hear it, we would actually know how loud it was. This signified that the age of the trumpet had begun (and apparently it doesn't plan on ending anytime soon). The first man discovered this trumpet, and passed it down to his children, then they to their children for many generations. Eventually, it passed through the hands of Louis Armstrong. It's now in the hands of the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Il, who recently used it to fake a nuclear explosion. But the shock was so great that it made his hair stand up and now he has to wear funky sunglasses because of the glare of the brass
[edit] The Creation of Fire
During an episode of Survivor: Prehistoric Ethiopia, the contestants from the "Oooga" tribe were pitted against the "Booga" tribe in a footrace. In order to attain victory, and create an unfair advantage, the "Oooga" tribe conspired to destroy the village of the "Booga" tribe. Seconds before the raid on the village, a trumpet was played by Survivor host Jeff Probst. The "Oooga" tribe was given kerosene and matches, created the first controlled fire, and won immunity.
[edit] The Great Pyramids Of GAZA
The building of the Pyramids (ca. 2560 BC) was presaged by the longest trumpet solo ever played. Initially planned for a modest 10 months, the actual solo went on much longer, ending after a tiring 20 years of non-stop blowing. The Egyptian pharoah's original plan was that to play the trumpet until just three seconds before the creation of the pyramids, but unfortunately the trumpet had to be played during the entire period of construction, since there was no pre-arranged completion date.
[edit] The Trojan War
While many believe the Trojan Horse remained silent as it stood outside the gates of Troy, recently unearthed eyewitness accounts suggest it was in fact filled with the sound of trumpets blaring constantly from within. But prior to the Trojan War, the Trojans where never part of a significant historical event, and thus never understood the significance of the trumpet. Their ignorance was costly, as Greek troops inside the horse stormed Troy and bludgeoned everyone with their mouthpieces.
[edit] The Assassination of Julius Caesar
As the first dictatorial ruler of Ancient Rome, Julius Caesar bears the distinction of being the first Roman ruler to have his assassination preceded by the playing of a trumpet. Subsequent rulers and emperors carried on this tradition for many years before finally realizing they would live longer if trumpet playing were banned from important public events such as chariot races and gladiatorial contests. So overall Julius Caesar was a big dumbass.
[edit] The Birth of Jesus Christ
While the birth of Jesus may be well-documented by various reputable sources, it was never actually explained how a trumpet fit into the equation. While it is commonly held that a trumpet was present, this has been almost impossible to prove until recently, when The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, in his effort to re-write the history of Christian belief, changed this passage on the birth of Jesus:
| Indeed, there was a trumpet present, and it was played, before the crowning of little Jesus by Jesus's mother |
The trumpet was also used during the birth to allow Jesus' mother to hyperventilate during her contractions.
[edit] Jesus Did Something
During his 30 or so years of complete ownage, Jesus was followed by twelve men who played trumpets and other brass instruments wherever he went, playing just before nearly all of his important miracles. These twelve "apostles" are generally regarded as the first Dixieland Jazz band in history.
[edit] The Modern Era
Many people today consider the trumpet's impact and effectiveness as a precursor to historical events to be somewhat lessened, primarily due to the fact that it is only used now to signal the beginning of horse races. These people are, of course, insane, since anyone with a proper appreciation of history knows that horse races are the only events of any significance whatsoever that are taking place during modern times.
There is of course one music style in the modern era thus being Ska. Ska consisists of many "instrumentalists" who play as loud and as fast as possible. The importance of the trumpet is to squeak really high for a long time to make your ears bleed to death.
[edit] Trumpet Player Types
It is generally agreed by most that there are several distinct types of trumpet player, with their own unique approach to the instrument. The linking factor is that all trumpet players are egotistical ass-holes and love to make fun of how every other section sucks, especially the french horns and baritones.
[edit] Musical Genius People
These are people who tend to learn all the instruments within their grasp, just to piss them off. They tend to scream out correct fingerings for various sections of the ensemble, whether they are sure of them or not. Tend to be trash-canned the most out of anybody.
[edit] Asians
The heart of the section, the people who cheer up the trumpet section. Even if there not that good they lighten up the gloomy mood of marching band by saying your name like"Herro Ruis".
[edit] Brilliant Players
Brilliant players are masters of the trumpet, some of the few musicians who will actually listen to a conductor, and take their advice into account. There will always be one or two of these in an ensemble, unless the ensemble just plain sucks. These players are often granted the task of keeping other players in line. Best found dealing out ownage to the 1st part. These players often carry around three trumpets, one of which is in C, for the off chance they are handed a part in C, rather than Bb. This way, although they are perfectly capable of transposing it, they can play with ease (or laziness, depending on your view point.) This holds true unless the player is actually a French horn player with trumpet as a secondary, in which case transposition is the only option -- the French horn / trumpet personality combination leads ego to trump laziness every time. This rareley happens, though, as intrumental confusion can lead to a host of mental issues, including split personality, etc. Usually, however, you may find them around the first 1-3 (4 if you are lucky) chairs. They usually account for 31415926% of the sound of the band, on and off the field (or in and out the concert chairs depends on what ensemble you happen to be in. Not like it really matters though, seeing as they NEVER SHUT UP!!.)
[edit] Good Players
"I'm a motherfucking trumpet player!
Good players are reasonable at their instrument, although they can get distracted, and may have trouble with the music. These players make up the bulk of most ensembles, and are most useful as whipping boys on the 1st part, decents on the 2nd part, or virtuosos upon the 3rd part.
Sometimes, however the good players are good enough to advance to 'almost' brilliant players. Rare as it is, when it happens, you usually have two trumpet players who are both amazing and ready to kill each other with their egos. Ego fight! Good time to take bets, kids.
This category also includes ska trumpeters. However if stoned, high, in the midst of sexual conduct, stoned, too busy laughing at the clarinettists, flutists, and bassoonists, and/or stoned,(basically a total of 97% of the time) these trumpeters drop down 2 and a half classes
[edit] Terrible Players Who Don't Know It (Chris Polk)(Kevin Haddocks)(Kevin Haddocks)(Goku)
Not good player who often mistake themselves for brilliant players may be defined as "Terrible Players Who Don't Know It". They will make frequent mistakes in pieces, however they do not seem to miss entrances(They do this by counting obnoxiously either out loud or start conducting in their seat. When they make mistakes, they will keep quiet, to avoid bringing the mistake to anyone's attention. However, they have no problem pointing out the actually good players mistakes. Best on the 3rd part, although seem to be on the 1st part frequently. They tend to like to tune to a high C and will also frequently attempt to take every note, no matter how high, up another completely unnecessary octave whether they can hit it or not. "Not" being the more usual case. Most often, these players will be found as freshmen in high school or college, and prove to be the most annoying members of a band, or orchestra. By their second year of school, they will usually begin to SHUT UP and realize how badly they just suck.
[edit] Terrible Players Who Know It
Not good players, although may have some potential. Often miss entries due to bickering amongst each other, conversations may include "You're fucking shit.", , "Jesus, can't you hit that note yet?", and lastly "Shit, where are we? You were supposed to be counting.". In the event of a mistake, these players will be more likely to exclaim, usually loudly, and with particularly colourful language. This is known to happen at performances as well as rehearsals. Best suited to the 3rd part, although can be whipping boys on the 2nd part, or the 1st part if they REALLY focus, which rarely happens.
[edit] Terrible Players Who Just Don't Care
Nobody has yet worked out why these players are even in an ensemble, as they seem to not care at all about the ensemble, and are the main distracting factor for all other players in the section. They will often not even bother to play during pieces, and when they do, it will definitely sound bad. In a perfect world, these players would be forcibly ejected from the ensemble, however this never happens. Best suited to a 3rd part, or a kick in the face, if possible.
[edit] The Cornet Player
The person who's instrument always gets mistaken for a mini trumpet. In fact, the true cornet player will proudly scream their lungs out: "I'M A FUCKING CORNET NOT A TRUMPET!!!!" and then proceed to tell everyone within ear shot to "fuck off". There is usually one or two per state, and they tend to get annoyed when people don't know what a cornet is. They tend not to have the normal trumpet aura and find their "section" to be rather distasteful. They don't like to be around trumpets (especially the snobby ones) and are friends with all other sections of the band.
[edit] Music For Trumpets
The repertoire of the trumpet consists mainly of Concertos and Fantasies in F, but the work widely accepted to be the most representative of the trumpet is Paul Hindemith's Sonata in FFFF.
The trumpet is also known to have offbeats, though not as often as the perennially offbeat-playing French Horn. If you're in a band that has offbeat-challenged trumpets (other than the one female) don't bother stomping your foot on the offbeat while trying to play the onbeat, or enlisting a seasoned off-beating French Horn player for assistance ... just turn around and knife them with the closest thing available (eg. Clarinet, oboe, bassoon reed, lyre, or a supersonic-speed flying trombone slide. Don't worry you'll still have the one trumpet that can actually play...hopefully.). Or, you can just continually knock their teeth out with your mouthpiece.
[edit] The Trumpet Player Handshake
As many people may know, most trumpet players have a distinct and unique personality. (Especially trumpet players that often play as loud and high as they can at random intervals in a musical piece) Trumpet players are often cocky, upstuck, and altogether showoffy. This is most greatly displayed by the trumpet players "secret" handshake. The hand shake consists of walking up to a person, making eye contact, reaching out and grabbing said persons hand, and shaking it while uttering the phrase "Hi, I'm better than you."
Update: It has been discovered, deep in the trenches of newbie trumpets, that a new handshake has emerged.It involves spit from the valve brushed into ones hand and pretending to shake hands. Often, someone leaves with a stinky hand, and another emerges victorious, with an evil laugh (see villains)
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
