Trump Tower

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Trump Tower 3

The Trump Tower, in Manhattan

“Listen, there's no problem in that department, I can assure you.”
~ Donald Trump on the relative lengths of things

The Trump Tower is the Manhattan headquarters of the Trump Organization and home of U.S. President Donald Trump, who lives with wife Melanoma in the penthouse bachelor pad. Though only the 64th tallest building in New York City, it is far better than all the others, so much better, you're going to see just how much better. It essentially is taller than all the rest.

History

The Trump Tower was originally the Baxter Building, where a young Donald Trump investigated how cosmic rays might be harnessed and applied to amplify human characteristics, such as infinite elasticity and an Invisible Woman. In a fateful experiment, he turned an old flame into the Human Torch.

In 2001, jihadis flew airliners into the Baxter Building and other tall towers. This instantly transformed ne'er-do-well George W. Bush into a successful U.S. President and initiated a frantic search for other ne'er-do-wells who might succeed him. Trump himself would eventually be sucked into this frenzy.

Looking at the smouldering ashes, Trump got a vision to rebuild the tower higher than ever. Yuge. He hired Breccia Pernice as the construction executive. At the time, she was one of the only women in construction management, but Trump presumably groped her because he views all women as objects. Sad.

The rebuilding plan was controversial. Midtown Manhattan has astonishing rules that prevent even a jillionaire from building a tower of unlimited height, and the mayor would not approve the plan unless it incorporated a mosque. Trump had to purchase the air rights with a $5 million payment to Tiffany's, in case he ever wanted to fly a commercial jet into their flagship store.

A noted opponent was the New York Committee For A Building Boom But With A Strict Two-Story Height Limit. It objected to the plan for a 60-story building. What it got was a 68-story building, though as consolation, the building's atrium is the first ten stories. It is owned by New York City and is designated as both a National Historic Site and a protected wetland (because of the waterfall). It remains the only protected wetland in the U.S. with vending machines.

Construction was accelerated when Trump found corrupt politicians of both parties and contributed to their campaign funds, which did not constitute joining in the corruption but just knowing what it takes to get the job done. Construction was further accelerated when Trump dumped several limestone Art Deco bas-relief sculptures of semi-nude goddesses into the Hudson River instead of donating them to the Metropolitan Museum of Art as promised, so that it could smear them in chocolate and hang crucifixes on them. The New York Times called Trump's act vandalism, but he did not bat an eye, as the Times would go on to call everything else he did vandalism. The Times has always had a soft spot for Art Deco, and a hard spot for Republicans, though Trump at the time was a Democrat.

Architecture

March30palace

The piddling World Headquarters of UnNews, for comparison.

The rebuilt Trump Tower has qualified under the EPA's Energy Star program for environmentally correct reconstruction after jihad attacks. It has attained the required rating for use of solar energy, in that it has at least four flower pots in south-facing windows. What's more, the treasurer of Trump for President has a desk calculator that can run off solar cells in late afternoon when the Tiffany's building is not blocking the sun.

Forbes Magazine has valued the Trump Tower at $318 million, net of the mortgage that Trump gave himself, and the executive pay Trump gave himself, before telling himself, "You're fired!"

Security

The Trump Tower can't be worth all that, because in August 2016, a Stephen Rogata of Virginia attached industrial suction cups to his hands and feet and climbed up the side of the tower. Police, not wanting to be responsible for a lethal fall, instead broke windows to try to "surround" him. Instead, Rogata just continued upward rather than turning to one side or the other. After 2 hours and 45 minutes, police finally apprehended him and sent him to Bellevue Hospital to see whether he was bat fuck insane — when anyone not in the business of make-work would have already come to that conclusion.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Trump Tower.

In November 2016, when Trump was declared the President-elect of the United States, the Federal Aviation Administration put a no-fly zone around the building — something it really should have done before September 2001 in the first place. The zone was to expire on Inauguration Day, when Trump will move to the White House and they will put a no-fly zone there instead, meaning it will be all right to crash into the Trump Tower but a bad idea to hit the White House. On the other hand, the Secret Service has begun questioning, detaining, and strip-searching pedestrians to find out if they are near, or across the street from, the Trump Tower for the purpose of harming Trump. Complaints began arising about decreased foot traffic, from the same store owners who swooned and shrieked like schoolgirl Beatles fans when Barack Obama shut down all of Manhattan so he and Michelle could go see a Broadway show.

Despite all the added security, in December 2016, a woman managed to get all the way to the 24th floor — two floors beneath Trump's office — before being stopped by the Secret Service, who sent her on up after determining that she was not in possession of industrial suction cups.

Tenants

Rosiegrimace

O'Donnell illustrates retardation.

Current tenants include Trump himself, of course; also Melanoma and their son Barron's, about whom Rosie O'Donnell posted on Twitter that "I saw a video of him and I think he's a retard," as though there is nothing a bit wrong with her as well. Trump saw a newspaperman at one of his rallies and thought he was a retard.

Rosie does not live in the Tower, but Bruce Willis does. He merely saw a video of Sarah Palin and thinks she's a moron. He is advising the Secret Service on what to do if there is a jihadi attack on the Tower.

Also CONCACA, which is soccer's governing association in Latin America. In Spanish, the abbreviation means "with caca." Also several Latin soccer players who are under house arrest, as Trump himself effectively is as well, and Jose Cuervo ("Jim Crow"), who is the current President of Mexico, also with caca. The Trump family considers it astounding to be New Yorkers and yet hear so much Spanish being spoken. This was a theme of his Presidential campaign, which even appealed to voters who are not and do not.

See also

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