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“If you bought it, a Trucker brought it. Probably while awake for three days straight hopped up on methanphetamines. Also they stink.”
Truckers are a holy fraternal order first founded sometime between 9000 and 8800 BC They have dedicated their lives to helping the innocent and weak, provided that the weak aren't actually total asses. The more formal name of the Truckers is the Holy Confraternal Order of Interstate truckers. This name is confusing for two reasons. For one, it's technically a fraternal order, NOT a confraternal one. Secondly, it applies only to interstate truckers, when in fact all members of the order ACTUALLY ARE INTERSTATE TRUCKERS! Third, the T in trucker is lowercase(!!!). Fourth, what is the technical difference between a fraternal and confraternal order?
The trucker spends their entire life shepherding the weak through darkness, protecting the righteous from the evil, defending freedom, and occasionally snorting meth and/or having one night stands with any available women. They travel from town to town fighting evil, often outside of Truck Stops and bars. Truckers develop an ability to perceive evil that many believe is supernatural, though it is actually based on long, hard experience. They are rarely wrong when they see evil, and it is thus important that you help in shit-kicking anyone with whom a trucker gets into a fight with. If a trucker gets into a fight with YOU, then a re-appraisal of your life may be in order.
Truckers learn to be truckers in the Trucker School(duh!). There they learn critical skills that will aid them in their fight against evil. These skills include shitkicking, ball-busting, ass-whipping, curb-stomping, the transmutation of cheap jelly donuts into gourmet ones, hiding bodies, and sliding the fifth wheel. The protection of good, as you can tell, consists of mostly(53%, in fact) fighting and partying.Must be able to eat cheeseburger while snarfing down milkshake.
The Enemies of Trucking
- Bears (Pigs, Bobbies, The Fuzz, Police, et. al.)
- Log Books
- Burger delivering ninjas
- Krispy Kreme
- The Sega Corporation
- The False Truckers
- Milton Keynes
- Everything Evil
- Pastrami Sandwiches (to be eaten)
Allies of Truckers
- Pee Bottles
- Fat Coffee Shop Workers
- Log Books
- Professional Poker Players
- Seals, Walruses and Sea Lions
- Truck Stops
- Rest Areas
A brief history of trucking
Truckers first formed when a collection of wandering, unshaven anti-heroes(almost exactly like the types you see in old spaghetti westerns, only with stone age technology), decided they could be more effective when organized. They realized they needed a means of traveling the world searching for evil, while at the same time remaining unnoticed and producing enough of a profit to finance their battle.
The obvious solution was to transport goods for other people, all over the world. The first truckers used sleds, and later wagons, carts, and really large ceramics. By the 1970's, they began using spaceships. Also, in the 1970's, the movie Smokey and the Bandit showed up. This was a deceit propogated by Hollywood, who were once allies of the Truckers. After Hollywood's betrayal was revealed, the truckers allied themselves with the porn industry, and together they have been fighting Hollywood ever since.
Truckers and you
Identifying truckers is easy. They ride in a truck along interstates. If you have any doubt about whether or not a trucker is actually a trucker, give him a jelly donut. They will transmute it into a gourmet jelly donut.
BEWARE THE FALSE TRUCKERS!
If you have any stories of avoiding false truckers, send them into your nearest trucking agency and you could WIN A FREE 21" FLATSCREEN MONITOR!
The Perils of Trucking
In addition to the more mundane difficulties of trucking, such as double clutching down a 30% downgrade with an eaton fuller 18 gear tranny on a Cummings 550 Twin Double Turbo diesel with no jakes to keep an 80 ton vehicle below a 35 mile per hour downhill speed limit, truckers are often the only people nearby who can fight off threats that appear mostly in rural settings, such as subterranean monsters, clouds of weird blackish stuff, and clinics that only contain nurses. Also, those guys who carry rifles around in their private planes when they're not going to land anywhere except the little airstrip they took off from in the first place. What's up with those guys?
By far the biggest danger facing truckers is WEIGH STATIONS! See, the conspiracy knows the existence of the Truckers, but they can't wage war against them openly, for fear of revealing their own existence to the world. Thus, they had their toadies in the governments of the world create weigh stations, to give them an excuse to track the movements of truckers and to round up those who became to much of a threat, and replace them with FALSE TRUCKERS!
The secret language of the Truckers is their greatest accomplishment, and probably warrants an entire article of it's own. Despite what you may have learned Trucker is not merely a collection of slang or an informal patois developed over CB radio. Rather, it is the world's most sophisticated form of verbal communication, created over millennia to do things no other language can. In addition to being able to conceal ideas from those who do not know Trucker under the guise of CB radio slang, Trucker can be used to express ANY IDEA OR CONCEPT! Thet's right, any concept or idea can be expressed in Trucker, usually more easily than in other languagues, as well. In fact, only in trucker can one express things like 11th dimmensional interbody comsspeak, anti-mind-control multinary logic, the ingredients of secret sauces, the theories of anarcho-capitmunism, and the true nature of God (all 57 of them) be expressed.
This makes Trucker the most powerful, but also the most dangerous language in existence. For the truckers know very well that the expression of certain ideas in certain interpersonal communication forms, can upset, rip, and distort the very fabric of the universe! Indeed, Trucker is also the most powerful magical language in existence, which is why truckers strive to protect it's secrets. Only three times have they been willing to unleash the forbidden magical powers of this language. Once, when the foul servants of Sega unleashed the magjyiecqkkal (the only REAL spelling of evil magic!) powers they had gained through the mind-control devices in Sega Genesi upon the world. Secondly, well, no one knows the second time, but it wasn't pretty. Third, when Terry was having a bad day. People were pretty mad at Terry after that.
Although it's possible that a few non-truckers have learned Trucker, they are guarding it just as carefully as actual truckers would, having surely realized the potential power of the language.
Did You Know?
- That Pirates are friends with Truckers? Pirates keep down the population of the Truckers enemy, Shippers. Plus, both enjoy Booze and loose women.
- The Chuck Norris was briefly a trucker?
- Truckers are allies with seals, and they often travel together!
- "Pastrami is edible?" - Captain Obvious
- Some truckers are robots?