Trouser snake
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| NOT SAFE FOR PLANES!! |
| The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe! If Samuel L. Jackson saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your snake urges are sated. |
“Vaginae aren't the only things that enjoy eating trouser snakes.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Trouser Snakes
“I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES IN THESE MOTHERFUCKING TROUSERS!!”
~ Motherfuckin' Samuel L. Jackson on Motherfucking Trouser Snakes
The trouser snake (pictured at left, nesting in its native habitat), or Genitalis masculus, is one of the few warm-blooded reptiles still in existence. The trouser snake is a solitary creature, and usually small and docile. When threatened it will try to intimidate the intruder by standing tall and puffing up, it can sometimes increase several times in size (but rarely). As a last resort, if intimidation does not work, the trouser snake may resort to spitting at its perceived threat.
A trousersnake is a cylindrical, parasitic organism living below the abdomen of most male humans. The organism, though blind, senses other organisms through spongelike tissue that engorges with blood upon detection. Measuring at least one length in foot, a trousersnake forms a unique bond with its host, providing pleasure and entertainment in exchange for physical contact. A trousersnake can secrete a substance called jiss to entice and render unconscious those who come into contact with it.
Trousersnakes come in many shapes and sizes, most being between 2 to 3 feet long. Most trousersnakes have a collar of skin that protect it from the elements when it does not feel like being active. In some places, like the United States of America, circumcision has been performed on trousersnakes to render them defenseless against unsuspecting visitors, the weather, and women.
The life cycle of a trousersnake begins with birth. A parent trousersnake uses budding to create more trousersnakes, and these smaller trousersnakes seek out hosts to pair with. Once a young trousersnake finds a host, it latches on to the lower abdomen of its host. Young trousersnakes usually are extremely hard to control, and their inability to jiss makes them especially vulnerable to attack. Once a trousersnake reaches maturity, it combines its ability to jiss with a desire to hide in small caves called beavers. As a trousersnake ages, it becomes vulnerable to STDs and Erectile Dysfunction.
In some cases the trousersnake can become very threatened and therefore become extremely volatile, when threatened the trousersnake will change shape and grow about twice its size and harden (a lot like a kakuna or a metapod). Once threatened the trousersnake will either calm down or grow hands out of its bottom and rub itself back and fourth thus releasing the bodily fluids that have developed in the trousersnake.
They are known to form a symbiotic relationship with Minges.
[edit] Habitat
The habitat of the trouser snake, as the name suggests, is trousers. Invariably it's male trousers, as the snakes seem to have a particular dislike of women. If a woman simply comes within sight of a trouser snake it will often stand vigil and puff up threateningly. Another reason male trousers are preferred is because most men don't wear skirts, so they provide a more stable habitat.
[edit] Natural enemies
Natural enemies of the trouser snake include
- Vaginae - A vagina is a trouser snakes greatest fear. A vagina may consume as many as ten trouser snakes in one day and continue this rate of consumption for up to a month. After having finished gorging itself, the vagina may go into hibernation for 9 to 10 months. Upon sight of a vagina the trouser snake will assume a defensive stance and as a last resort will spit into the mouth of its attacker.
- Women - It's easy to see why trousers snakes might dislike women; but even though women may jokingly pretend to eat it, they never actually do and are in fact harmless.
- Knees - Knees have over the years done a lot of damage to the trouser snake population, mostly due to crushing their eggs.
- Golf balls - The reason why golf balls sometimes hunt trouser snakes has never really been understood, but it has created shockwaves of terror in the trouser snake population. A trouser snake that has been attacked by a golf ball is said to have been ballclubbed. Baseballs have also caused much pain to the reptile over the centuries.
[edit] See also
