Trombone
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“I'm not sure why, but trombones make me very uncomfortable.”
~ Sigmund Freud on Trombones
“Trombones? I'm the goddamn Batman!”
~ The Goddamn Batman on Trombones
“Fuck everything.”
~ Trombones on everything
Somewhere deep in the fires of Mount Doom, a sinister instrument of badassery and awesome was being forged. This instrument was simultaneously to become the world's most feared weapon and most desired sexual companion, being infused with pure essence of "balls." Few knew of the destructive power this device truly contained. Many names were considered for this instrument, "God," "Testosterone Bacon Shit," and "Pure Fuck," among them. Finally, however, it was decided that it would be called the "Trompwn." Later, when the mighty, unconquerable "white" race discovered it in a German brothel, its name was bastardized to the only-slightly-less-awesome Tombstone "Trombone."
[edit] The Trombone's Calling in Life
The trombone has one calling in life: to blast louder and more better-er than every other instrument in the ensemble, including the "suck-asses", known to some as "trumpets". Few trombones can achieve such perfection, however, because the sheer awesomeness is so awesome that their heads Asplode. The trombone's deafening "Loud Sonofabitch" (pedal tone) is undefeatable, and there is currently no known way to defend against it, except by dying.
[edit] Trombone Players (and Sections)
As a trombone, it is absolutely necessary to make at least one sexual innuendo every ten minutes. If this fails to happen, the world will--most certainly-- fall into sheer and utter chaos. Some of the more common jokes are:
- FUCK!
- Hey guys, wanna bet on how many mouthpieces I can fit inside this trumpet player's anus before I get arrested?
- Don't forget to lube your bone!
- We do it in 7 positions!
- I like cake!
- FUCK!
[edit] A Description of a Typical Trombonist
Boys: They are almost as awesome as Winston "Badass" Churchill in bed. They are also awesomely loud talkers. When not playing the instrument, trombones (and their players) can usually be found participating in threesomes, kicking ass, neglecting to use condoms, kicking ass, throwing rocks at old people, putting KY Jelly or IcyHot in other people's mouthpieces, kicking ass, or reading in their personal studies on the origins of testosterone, phallic symbols in everyday life, and the proper techniques for kicking ass.
Girls: Are generally are not relevant to a true section of trombones. Primarily, this is because they have a "Vagina," and thus lack "Balls," a key component of trombone assembly. There are, however, a number of female trombonists who are known to possess the much-sought-after "Metaphorical Band Balls". These mystical testicles bestow upon their owners extreme powers of badassery and awesomess, and any female trombonist who happens to have them is generally viewed as a goddess (both musically and sexually). In general, though, female trombonists are few and far between. Almost as few and far between as their genuine (i.e., not via proxy) sexual encounters. Most keep a spare set of Balls in their lockers, "in case you forget yours."
[edit] Trombonist Classifications
There are four general classifications of trombonists. They are as follows:
1. The Leader: This person is born with the innate ability to make kickass car sounds using a trombone, and would never be caught dead playing Pachelbel's "Canon in D." Therefore, this person kicks more ass than your father ever will, and is the natural leader of the trombones.
2. The One Who Should Have Been an Aborti... er... Drummer: A guy with a huge ego (though unaccompanied by a matching penis), who can't really play but blows chunks to fake it and is always in desperate need for attention. He makes loud, inappropriate and non-humorous comments at regular intervals. The rest of the group usually pities his struggle for identity, considers him "kind of a dick," or flat-out hates him. But this person is still a trombone, and better than you.
3. The Beast: Its Balls are the biggest in the section; in fact, they are so huge that it cannot carry them around. Instead, it opts to keep them in a storage shed and get a daily infusion of Balls via text message. The Beast is the ultimate band geek. Usually homosexual, or perceived as such. However, when coupled with an odd affinity for cheese, The Beast's homosexuality is dampened, allowing it to blend in in most social situations.
4. The Nerd: Refers to slide as sword or "Feasting Horn". constantly refers to D&D or Halo. most often found taunting saxophone players by chanting "Roll for damage" and "EPIC FAIL!" whenever they screw up.
There are four trombonist classifications that only apply to girls. Generally, only one or two of these will ever be present in a given section at a time:
1. The Section Mommy: Often the 'nice section leader.' She's a "Fuckin' Beast" on the trombone and will kick your ass if you hurt anyone in her section. While The Leader is quietly masturbating behind The Beast's shed, she's teaching the freshmen how to march, play, and "make smoke bombs and shit."
2. The Hot One: Well, she's really hot. Sometimes she's a good player, but no one cares because they're all staring at her rack, not her boner. Probably either has a boyfriend or will not consider dating you. Sucks for you (and not in the good way.) Is not The Section Mommy because nobody can stop staring at her perfect, sexy ass long enough to figure out how to roll-step.
3. The One That Sucks (in every sense of the word): Cannot play or march, but practices frequent and varied copulation. Generally just there to add more STD's to her collection. Known biohazard. Do not approach without FDA permit.
4. The One That's TOO Quiet: Everyone else is a bit afraid of this one. Can often be found staring quietly into corners and mumbling incoherently to herself. Probably has a crush on The Nerd.
[edit] The Bass Trombonist
The Bass Trombonist is a pecuilar creature. To understand him (one rarely ever excounters a female bass trombonist; if you think you have you haven't) the origins of the bass trombone must be understood (or better put, attempted to be understood). The Bass Trombone can trace its ancestry to ancient China. When Marco Polo travelled to China he brought a trombone, no doubt in hopes of getting laid. The anatomy of a Chinese woman's ear was much different from that of a European. These women were unable to enjoy the pedal tones played by a trombone, the most seductive of tones indeed. It was invariably the ninjas that took the initiative. Ninjas stole Marco Polo's Trombone (this is why Marco Polo said spaghetti was from Italy and not China like it actually is) and pondered how to make their women able to succumb to the trombones sweet melodious etudes. Many ninjas were not worthy of this; some died masturbating to death in its presence, a condition now known as Trombomastubacide. Confucius, the Master Ninja, was one night smoking his holy cannabis when the solution became apparent. He would give the trombone more girth, more length, and some extra pipe. THe logic was infallible: Chinese women love extra pipe. It was from here that the new Bass (Chinese for Balls as Big as Sun) Trombone was used by dynasty after dynasty to make sweet sweet love. It wasn't until Khengis Khan looted the booty from China that the awesome power the bass trombone wielded was rediscovered. Khan went on a warpath with his bass trombone, conquering all of Asia. On this excursion societies smashed and cultures clashed. The bass trombone had infiltrated the European Musical System. Soon The number of Bass Trombonists had increased 69,000,000 fold. From this point on Bass Trombonists were known for being the best lovers a woman could ever had. And also being really good at eating pussy.
[edit] Things trombones Do To Show Their Awesomenicity
- Devise songs such as the F-A-G song, which consists of playing the notes F-A-G in a series of rhythms to piss off the Good Sportsmanship League. When five trombones are present, the trombone "one finger wave" must be assumed.
- Kick lots of ass out of spite, because they haven't gotten action within the last twenty seconds.
- Rape others with their trombones by sticking their slides in the asses of anyone lucky enough to be in front of them.
- Potentially kill off an entire ensemble. The Trombone's slide is actually a WMD, giving a single trombone more nuclear influence than Australia. Those who have any intelligence whatsoever avoid these at all costs, and most other band members end up with huge bumps on their heads and/or genitalia.
- Have sex.
[edit] Things That are 100% True About All trombones
- If a trombone player pulls off the slide completely , two Lightsabers will emerge.
- The seventh position is rarely used, due to its high probability of causing the world to asplode.
- Even if The trombone is in its case, A trombone player still has use for it. It can be used as a bazooka, battering ram, or blatant phallic symbol.
- All trombonists have the innate ability to act massively homosexual towards each other; however, none of them are actually gay.
- Elder Trombonists have a longer right arm.
[edit] The Trombone Handshake
All Trombones are required to perform the "balls" trombone handshake (U.S. Patent No. 5,507,334) on a regular basis. To perform this hallowed greeting, a trombone of lesser rank must approach a trombone of higher rank and initiate by saying "Hey ________, pass the balls!" The superior trombone must then extend his half-cupped fist, knuckles down, back of hand forward (representing dangling testicles), and loudly ejaculate "BALLS!" as the inferior trombone, palm up, performs a tickling/fondling motion on his superior's symbolic balls. This asserts both the players' masculinity and trombone ownership.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
