Trombone
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“I'm not sure why, but trombones make me very uncomfortable.”
~ Sigmund Freud on Trombones
“Trombones? I'm the goddamn Batman!”
~ The Goddamn Batman on Trombones
“Fuck everything.”
~ Trombones on Everything
Somewhere deep in the fires of Mount Doom, a sinister instrument of badassery and awesome was being forged. This instrument was simultaneously to become the world's most feared weapon and most desired sexual companion, being infused with pure essence of "Balls." Few knew of the destructive power this device truly contained. Many names were considered for this instrument, "God," "Testosterone Bacon Dickmeat," and "Pure Fuck," among them. Ultimately, the new instrument was christened "Trompwn." Later, when the mighty, unconquerable "white" race discovered it in a German brothel, its name was bastardized to the only-slightly-less-awesome Tombstone "Trombone."
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[edit] The Trombone's Calling in Life
The trombone has one calling in life: to blast louder and more better-er than every other instrument in any ensemble, including the "suck-ass trumpets, Jesus, they're such cockholes." <citation needed> The trombone's deafening "Loud Sonofabitch" (aka: pedal tone) is undefeatable, and there is currently no known way to defend against its onslaught, other than contracting a permanent case of death.
[edit] Trombone Players (and Sections)
As a trombone, it is absolutely necessary to make at least one subtle sexual innuendo every ten minutes. If this fails to happen, the world will--most certainly-- carry on as normal, but everyone else will be very disappointed in you, because "fuck that guy." <citation needed> Some of the more common jokes are:
- I've got an enormous erection!
- Hey guys, wanna bet on how many mouthpieces I can fit inside this trumpet player's anus before I get arrested?
- FUCK!
- We do it in 7 positions!
- I like cake!
- Cuntwagon!
- My boner is bigger than yours!
- You've been boned.
- FUCK!
[edit] A Description of a Typical Trombonist
Boys: Almost as awesome as Winston "Badass" Churchill in bed, they are often compared to "OH GOD, DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP, RIGHT THERE, THAT'S IT, OH GOD IT'S SO BIG." <citation needed> They are also awesomely loud talkers. When not playing the instrument, trombones (and their players) can usually be found participating in threesomes, kicking ass, neglecting to use condoms, being awesomely irresponsible, throwing rocks at the elderly, putting KY Jelly or IcyHot in other people's mouthpieces, kicking ass, making obscene amounts of money, or reading in their personal studies on the origins of testosterone, phallic symbols in everyday life, and the proper techniques for kicking ass.
Girls: Are generally are not relevant to a true section of trombones. Primarily, this is because they have a "Vagina," and thus lack "Balls," a key component of trombone assembly. There are, however, a number of female trombonists who are known to possess the much-sought-after "Metaphorical Band Balls". These mystical testicles bestow upon their owners extreme powers of badassery and awesomness, and any female trombonist who happens to have them is generally viewed as a goddess (both musically and sexually). In general, though, female trombonists are few and far between. Almost as few and far between as their genuine (i.e., not via proxy) sexual encounters. Most keep a spare set of Balls in their lockers, "in case you forget yours." <citation needed>
While all trombones (even those goddamned piccolo trombones) are most commonly defined as "definitely fucking awesome," <citation needed> not all trombones are created equal. The rank of a trombone player is determined by his proficiency, the depth of his lowest pitch, and his number of triggers. However, all trombone players are considered "fucking better than everyone else, in particular those unlubricated assfuck trumpets and bastard-child woodwinds." <citation needed> This means that a contrabass BBb trombone, which plays notes in the same range as a tuba, is often referred to as a "Jesus Christ what is that noise?!" and "Goddamnit that thing is loud as balls, can anyone see where that's coming from." <citation needed>
[edit] Trombonist Classifications
There are five general classifications of trombonists. They are as follows:
1. The Tromboner: This is what the average trombone player is known as. They are usually loud and outspoken. They have an enormous amount of section pride and like to let everyone know it. The personality of this group of people ranges from emo, to gangsta (the unliked one), to country boy/girl. They tend to get along with those with similar interests, and all other trombonists, even if they don't share interests. To be heard very clearly, they usually like to "stick my tongue in there and just fuckin' go for it, man." <citation needed>
2. The Leader: This person is born with the innate ability to make kickass car sounds using a trombone, and would never be caught dead playing Pachelbel's "Canon in D." Therefore, this person kicks more ass than your father ever will, and is the natural leader of the trombones. Usually comprises most of any given section.
3. The One Who Should Have Been an Aborti... er... Drummer: A guy with a huge ego (though unaccompanied by a matching penis), who can't really play but blows chunks to fake it and is always in desperate need for attention. He makes loud, inappropriate and non-humorous comments at regular intervals. The rest of the group usually pities his struggle for identity, considers him "kind of a dick, I'll bet he listens to The Cure," <citation needed> or flat-out hates him. But this person is still a trombone and thus, is better than you.
4. The Nerd: Refers to slide as sword or "Feasting Horn". constantly refers to D&D or Halo. most often found taunting saxophone players by chanting "Roll for damage" and "EPIC FAIL!" whenever they screw up.
5. The Bass Trombone: Usually the tallest in the section primarily for the need of having lungs down to their knees so that they can play louder than the rest of the section. There is generally only one per ensemble, thus making them first and last chair because they are that amazing. Their trombone is always bigger than all others, therefore making them more elite in the eyes of all that bow down to the superiority of the most sacred trombone.
There are four trombonist classifications that only apply to girls. Generally, only one or two of these will ever be present in a given section at a time:
1. The Section Mommy: Often the 'nice section leader.' She's a "Fuckin' Beast" on the trombone and will "kick your ass into Swaziland if you hurt anyone in my section, I might also rip out your goddamned throat." <citation needed> Her maternal instincts are strong, so she's often found teaching the freshmen how to march, play, and "make smoke bombs and shit."
2. The One That Sucks (in every sense of the word): Cannot play or march, but practices frequent and varied copulation of ferocious intensity, generally only to add to her impressive library of venereal diseases. Known biohazard, yet protected by PETA. Do not approach without FDA permit.
3. The Bonerette: Female version of 'the tromboner'. In fact, the only difference may be her vagina. Gets along with everyone in her section and laughs at all the innuendoes. Is of no particular marching or playing skill, but probably doesn't totally suck. Is also probably a good lay. The Leader likely has a crush on her, purely because it is rare that he finds a woman who shares his interests as much as she does.
4. The One That's TOO Quiet: Everyone else is a bit afraid of this one, often referring to her as "that weird bitch. I'll bet she's a hoss in the sack, though." <citation needed> Can often be found staring quietly into corners and mumbling incoherently to herself. Probably has a crush on The Nerd.
[edit] Things trombones Do To Show Their Awesomenicity
- Devise songs such as the F-A-G song, which consists of playing the notes F-A-G in a series of rhythms to piss off the Good Sportsmanship League. When five trombones are present, the trombone "one finger wave" must be assumed.
- Kick lots of ass out of spite, because they haven't gotten action within the last twenty seconds.
- Rape others with their trombones by sticking their slides in the asses of anyone lucky enough to be in front of them.
- Potentially kill off an entire ensemble. The Trombone's slide is actually a WMD, giving a single trombone more nuclear influence than Australia. Those who have any intelligence whatsoever avoid these at all costs, and most other band members end up with huge bumps on their heads and/or genitalia.
- Have sex.
- Do it in seven positions. Eight if you like it on the floor.
[edit] Things That are 100% True About All trombones
- If a trombone player pulls off the slide completely , two Lightsabers will emerge.
- "I'm like, a goddamned monster in bed, man. I'll fuckin... like, I can have so much sex. With girls. You don't even know, man." <citation needed>
- Even if The trombone is in its case, A trombone player still has use for it. It can be used as a bazooka, battering ram, or blatant phallic symbol.
- All trombonists have the innate ability to act massively homosexual towards each other; however, none of them are actually gay.
- Elder Trombonists have a longer right arm.
[edit] The Trombone Handshake
All Trombones are required to perform the "balls" trombone handshake (U.S. Patent No. 5,507,334) on a regular basis. To perform this hallowed greeting, a trombone of lesser rank must approach a trombone of higher rank and initiate by saying "Hey ________, pass the balls!" The superior trombone must then extend his half-cupped fist, knuckles down, back of hand forward (representing dangling testicles), and loudly ejaculate "BALLS!" as the inferior trombone, palm up, performs a tickling/fondling motion on his superior's symbolic balls. This asserts both the players' masculinity and trombone ownership.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
