Trix Rabbit

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“Here, have some of mine.”
~ Captain Oblivious on giving some Trix to the Trix Rabbit

Theodore Rashid Ibrahim Xavier Rabbit,(Born December 2, 1981) better known to the world as the Trix Rabbit, was a major figure in the field of active-cereal-based-satisfaction-denial until his death in 2007. The rabbit was known for trying to steal the infamous Trix Cereal or having his own Trix cereal stolen, only to be confronted by children, saying their sadistic catchphrase : "Silly rabbit, Trix are for ##########!"

In the Beginning

Rabbit

One of the rare moments when the Trix Rabbit isn't high.

Until the Trix Rabbit burst on the scene in 1959, General Mills was having great difficulty moving its gray, soggy spheroid breakfast cereal Crushed Spirit Puffs. Several mascots were unsuccessfully tried to move boxes off the shelves, including a cantankerous otter, a sickly hyena, and an incontinent moose. General Mills was just about to consider introducing sugar into the gray, flavorless puffs when a chance meeting would change everything.

While drinking himself stupid at a local comedy club, General Mills executive Ted "Insane #######" Johnson noticed a stand-up comedian cartoon rabbit that tickled his barely functional sense of humor. Johnson approached him after his set, and the high-spirited, enthusiastic cartoon comedian Theodore Xavier Rabbit was soon destined for cereal stardom. Marketing executives, even those who were not drunk, realized they had a chance to revitalize the brand via advertisements featuring the naturally funny, excitable rabbit.

But Theodore's pilot stand-up based commercial tested poorly, and he was almost let go before execs discovered audiences loved him in a revamped ad where he was being cruelly tormented by spoiled rich white children.

Early Career

As a young rabbit he witnessed the Dust bowl first hand, after that he swore he would get back at the humans by stealing their children's sugary cereals. Theodore starred in over fifty commercials over the next decade. The storyline revolved around his desire to eat a bowl of delicious Crushed Spirit Puffs as part of this complete balanced breakfast, only to have spoiled rich white children have him arrested, spit on him, refuse to let him eat in the same restaurant with them, prevent him from riding public transportation, or let him vote, among other ingredients.

A particularly well-received episode had the spoiled rich white female child, Mary, accuse Theodore of whistling at her. Sentenced to death by hanging, Theodore is spared at the last moment, with his sentence reduced to a public lashing. As the rabbit is flagellated, Mary utters, "Silly rabbit, Crushed Spirit Puffs are for spoiled rich white children!" and a catchphrase was born.

Steadily, but surely, Theodore became increasingly embittered as the commercials continued. In a now infamous 1968 ad, Theodore snapped, beating Tommy (the spoiled rich white little boy) within an inch of his life, seizing his cereal and urinating on him as he greedily devoured it. An outraged public complained to General Mills, and Theodore and Crushed Spirit Puffs were placed on indefinite hiatus.

Finding Allah

For his part in the cartoon beating, Theodore was sent to cartoon prison, where he served seven years of hard cartoon time for assault and battery, attempted murder, and theft of puffed cereal. There, he became obsessed with self-injury and self-made tattoos; in 1971, he was introduced to the Qu'ran and converted to Islam soon thereafter. Theodore would later credit both Islam and its decidedly non-wacky prophet, Mohammed, as saving him from a life of crime.

Theodore also adopted a new, Islamic name, Rashid Ibrahim, though still went by "Rabbit" among his associates.

During Theodore's incarceration, General Mills quietly renamed Crushed Spirit Puffs Rabbit Raisins, colored them brown, and for the first time, added sugar. The cereal did not sell as well as it had during Theodore's ad campaign, though critics responded favorably to its "near edilbility" and its failure to resemble "soggy cardboard", one of the chief critiques of Crushed Spirit Puffs.

The Emergence of TRIX

TrixRabbit

Silly rabbit, copyright infringement is for lawyers!


In 1976, General Mills was a sinking ship. Sales of all their major cereals, such as Lifeless Crisp, Mordibund Mix and Depressing Oh's, were flatlining, and in Q3 of that year, not a single box of Rabbit Raisins moved.

So, when Theodore Rashid Ibrahim Xavier Rabbit was released from prison, General Mills leapt at the chance to bring him back. Teamed up with a radical new cereal what espoused colorful, crunchy, fruit-flavored pieces (as opposed to the limp, drab and tasteless fare that had dominated their lineup), the rabbit and the ceral both became to be known as TRIX, a clever acronym of Theodore's name.

The Golden Years

TRIX took off in a big way following the return of Theodore to the small screen. However, unable to re-use the previous ad theme of abuse at the hands of spoiled, rich white children, General Mills rolled out a new campaign with two mysterious female scientists named Mary and Kay who would test cosmetics and personal care products on Theodore while preventing him from acquiring TRIX.

Typical commercials would have him escape his cage at TRIX laboratories and get very close to a bowl of TRIX, only to have Mary and Kay capture him and subject him to various injections, surgeries and applications of chemicals and unknown agents that were probably not part of anyone's complete breakfast.


Theodore's revenge

Killerrabbit

Is the Trix rabbit a cereal killer?

During Theodore's quest to eat his beloved TRIX the only ones that prevented his goal was the kids. After so many times of having what was rightfuly his taken away from him he finally fought back. The horrible taunting phrase,"Silly rabbit TRIX are for kids.", would finally end once and for all time. As Theodore got his beloved TRIX yet again the little bastardly kids where on his trail. Though little did the kids know that their were in for a big surprise. As the kids drew near Theodore jumped out in army fatigues and armed with an M60 with armor piercing rounds. The kids were scared ######## as they ran for dear life as rounds zipped around them. Even as the kids ran away one of them tripped and could not escape the vengeful rabbit. As Theodore approached the kid he said, "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TAKING MY TRIX YOU LITTLE #####!.." The only response from the kid was, "GO AHEAD AND FINISH IT!." Before Theodore could pull the trigger a voice shouted,"Theodore stop!." It was non other than Colonel Trautman himself. He continued on by saying, " Look at what you have become as you have caused enough damage.." "Look Theodore this mission of yours is over, the police are surrounding the area and there is no escape.." "Give it up its over..""No it is not over, they started this war not me!." Theodore continued on,"For years these kids have taunted me and chased me and kept taking what was rightfuly mine away from me!."" I know Theodore that they should not of kept taking your TRIX." ,Trautman replied. As Trautman calmed Theodore down he left his M60 and walked out of the forest as a swat team entered to help the tramatized child. Trautman and Theodore rode away in a police car where Theodore would be eventually released to possibly live an honest life.

Post-Golden Years

TRIX sold well and Theodore was well-compensated, but the frequent cosemtics torments he was subjected to took its toll on his health. In 1987, his kidneys failed, and in 1992 he had a quadruple bypass operation. Theodore went blind in 1995 and lost his entire rear leg in 1999. By 2003, all of his teeth and fur had fallen out, and General Mills retired the TRIX ad campaign the same year. In 2004, Theodore dated the late Poppin' Fresh until Fresh's death in 2007.

The final episode of the ad campaign was bittersweet for all involved. In it, Theodore finally gets the bowl of TRIX before Mary and Kay can shove lipstick up his rectum. Chewing it thoughtfully, his face droops and his non-seeing eyes blink in bewilderment:

THEODORE: "It's...really not that good. After all these years, all these years...it's not that good."

MARY: "Silly rabbit, TRIX are for..."

THEODORE: "Shut it! Shut your fucking piehole, you sadistic #####! For once, just shut up! Look, I ate the cereal, and it's not that good. I want to die."

After a bout of depression, during which time he became a hooker for a host of clients including Poppin' Fresh After Fresh's tragic death, Theodore made numerous suicide attempts, all involving carrots and Trix Cereal. Theodore almost succumbed to his various illnesses which ranged from diabetes to gum disease to malnutrition to AIDs. His schizophrenia led him to believe Strawberry Shortcake was conspiring to poison him with her fruity cakes, and as a result, led him to brutally murder her at her Palm Springs home.

Legacy

Though he never gained the fame or respect of colleagues such as Bugs or even Roger, Theodore Rabbit's life and, ultimately, his death raised important questions about the working conditions of cartoon mascots the implications of which ought not to be neglected. Theodore's son, Theodore Rashid Ibrahim Xavier Rabbit IV, filed a lawsuit after his father's death seeking damages from the General Mills Corporation, citing the innumerable acts of psychological and physical abuse that his father was so cruelly subjected to during his lengthy tenure with corporation. General Mills settled out of court for $1.43 million, plus partial ownership of two of the lesser-known Keebler elves. GM also agreed to alter their manufacturing process so that their cereals tasted as vile as their automobiles.

General Mills claimed that they were acting in Theodore's best interests, they pointed out that he displayed classic signs of addiction - paranoia, mood swings, peaked skin, tormented gaze and an overall sickly appearance - and that they were simply trying to help him to overcome his condition. The jury was not swayed, however, and the court ruled in favor of Theodore Rabbit IV, a victory for cartoon mascots everywhere and eventually leading to the drafting of the "Cartoon Mascot's Bill of Rights" in 2006 which would bring to an end the suffering of Theodore's colleagues such as Sonny the Cuckoo Bird and Chip the Cookie Hound among others.

Goofs in the commercials

A devoted fan has documented several continuity errors in recent TRIX ads, where the rabbit had committed suicide on the set and was replaced with a new actor. In a spot from January 2007, the hastily-performed plastic surgery is quite obvious. Despite the mascots' hard-won legal victory, General Mills' ad agency continues to foster hostile conditions on the set, with constant teasing by the kids destroying the rabbits' self-esteem. In the last one a guinea pig attacked and dismembered for the fact the lubricating cereal contained semen

See Also


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