Tristan und Isolde
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edit The Story
The plotline of Tristan und Isolde is generally agreed to be one of the worse ever conceived. I mean, it is awful! It is so boring that you can hardly stand it! And you waste hours of your time just sitting through that crap! The first time I saw this opera was enough! One minute of the opera was enough! It gave me a mental breakdown and flashbacks to the war, the opera was so awful!
- "Slander! Tristan und Isolde ist der greatest opera ever!!" ~ The People of Germany
Most operas in Richard Wagner's days began with an overture. Wagner, however, boldly refused to call the overture an overture. He instead called it an Einleitung. This was a brave and very effective move that made a lasting impression on the audience, even though the word Einleitung is total, complete gibberish.
The Einleitung itself clearly reflected the nature of opera in general: very long and very boring. This often led to people walking out right in the middle of the opera. Consequently, few people know the story of the opera.
- "Lies!!" ~ The People of Germany
Particularly noteworthy are the length, breadth and depth of the opera, its unprecedented dimensions making it not so much a musical drama as a proto-Cubist structure, which can be used as a coffin for those members of the audience or, indeed, cast, whom it drives mad or to death.
The opera is comprised of three acts, each of which are as long as an average Italian opera, and of less musical interest. Wagnerian fanatics believe that this is an extraordinary achievement, and a testament to the ambition of the great composer. Wagner's detractors, on the other hand, believe that, since very little happens in each act, Wagner's ambition falls decidedly flat on its face, even flatter than the last note of GOTTERDAMMERUNG.
The unifying philosophical idea of the opera is a confusion between sex and death. Tristan and Isolde love each other so much that they want to die (a sentiment shared by the audience), and tell each other this for an entire act, punctuated only by orgasmic screeching and which terminates in a coitus interruptus. In one notable scene in the third act, Tristan demonstrates his love for Isolde by tearing open his wound and spurting blood all over the stage, much to the audience's horror.
This reveals far more about Richard Wagner than it does about Tristan and Isolde.
Wagner was, in fact, the first notable emo.
edit The Composer Tells the Story
- "Tristan holt zurück Isolde, die Tochter des irischen Königs, übermeer, damit sein Onkel, irgendein anderer König, kann sie heiraten. Aber kein ist glücklich, weil sie beide auf einer Reise in Richtung zur Zerstörung sind. Gut, und weil Tristan fiancé Isoldes tötete und ihr seinen getrennten Kopf schickte. My, you’re actually reading this gibberish? Aber, wenn Tristan einen Heiler benötigt, weil er eine Todwunde hat, er muß zu Isolde gehen. Really, this doesn't make sense if you actually speak German. Needless to say, this is because I do not speak German. In fact, I used an online translator. But I did sleep at a Holiday Inn last night. Sie versucht, ihn zu töten. Aber aus irgendeinem Grund, sie nicht. Dann gibt es ein Bündel Material über, wie Tristan Isolde mit ihm kommen ließ, und Isolde erklärt 'Tod zu Tristan!' oder etwas. Irgendwie fallen sie in Liebe und Hump und füllen an. Der König erhält bei Tristan mad, und jeder stirbt irgendwie. Ausgenommen irgendein Küken Bringäne nannte.
~ The story of Tristan und Isode, as told by its composer, Richard Wagner.
edit The Public’s Reaction
The reaction to the opera was no different than the common reaction to the boring, yet strategically genius Enleitung. By the time the curtain had risen to the first scene, half the audience was asleep. By the time the curtain fell for the intermission, nearly everyone in the theater had committed suicide, except for one priest, who ran out in horror halfway through the second act, and so escaped with his life and sanity intact, which could not be said for the Tristan, who topped himself a couple of weeks later. It was a very depressing failure for Wagner, and even more depressing for the Tristan.
- "WAGNER KNOWS NO FAILURE!!" ~ The People of Germany
Ironically, Wagner never saw his
play musical himself. He was, in fact, in the orchestra pit the whole time and could see neither the stage nor the horrifically boring mess that was happening upon it.
Although the opera is commonly attributed to the composer Richard Wagner, evidence has been found that he plagiarized it from a pornographic movie released 148 years later entitled "Fistan an Assole". Historians say he did this by freezing his disembodied head until time travel was invented, and then biting the legs off of the unfortunate inventor of the time machine and stealing it. From there, the solution is simple. More evidence, though, shows that the movie too plagiarized, only it plagiarized from an opera (commonly attributed to Richard Wagner) written some 148 years earlier.
It is also shown that a play with a similar title, Romeo and Juliet, also plagiarized the opera. It is not known how William Shakespeare managed to survive long enough to plagiarize Wagner. Historians say that it probably has nothing to do with frozen heads because cryogenics did not exist yet. It is likely that Shakespeare was not, in fact, a man, but a common tree capable of living for centuries on end, and thus also capable of plagiarizing Wagner. There also the simple possibility that Wagner traveled back in time to meet William Shakespeare and ended up forgetting a copy of his already plagiarized idea.