Treaty of Versailles
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“I don't see the Gerries coming back from this!”
The Treaty of Versailles of 1919 was the peace treaty that celebrated the end of World War Five, and subjected the German nation to a draconian list of punishments, including grounding the Krauts for 10 years, meting out spankings, forced cross-dressing, liberal dunce-cap use, and sending the entire population of Germany to bed with no dessert. It was also France's only military victory.
Psychologists were brought in from New York City to help the Germans feel guilty. Support groups and networks were then set up all across Germany to help Germans deal with those feelings of guilt, hate was the way they proposed to forget this treaty. It worked!
Being deprived of sauerkraut and black forest cake was highly traumatic, resulting in Germans having an obsessive compulsion for foods and sweets, thus leading to the Wiener Republic in 1933 and to Chocolate Hitler's rise to power.
President Woodrow Wilson, wanting to continue fighting, studied for endless hours about peace treaties of the past, and where they failed. After several months of in depth analysis, he came together with a list of 14 points that could continue World War One, but begin World War.
The New and Improved 14 Points (in non-reverse numerical order):
- Thirteen points shall follow this point.
- An impossible amount of money must be demanded of Germany, so as to cripple their economy and destroy any democratic structures. They won't ever be able to retaliate, either.
- Lets outlaw something really stupid in Germany, just to mess with them. Like, umm... eating seafood in public! C'mon, it'll be funny!
- The German race shall henceforth be known as "Sausage-munching, lacey-knickers wearing batty boys who are inferior in every way to all other races - especially Jews - who we can walk all over without them ever having the balls to retaliate, oh no, they just don't have the guts."
- As a constant reminder of their eternal shame, Germans will be forced to communicate in the ugliest language in the whole world ever, viz German.
- Versailles shall never be pronounced "Ver-sails".
- Germans will become the scape goat for everything bad anyone has done in the past, and plans to do in the future.
- There shall be six to seven points on either side of this point.
- Everyone who shows up to the signing of the treaty shall receive a shiny new penny, as well as all the German land they can carry. This way, countries like France can compensate for all their wussy performances in every past, unrelated war.
- The Ottoman Empire shall continue to suck, sick-man-of-Europe style.
- The Austro-Hungarian Empire, having preserved peace and civilization in Central Europe for centuries, shall be dissolved in favor of a hellish maelstrom of frenzied nationalist hatred.
- All citizens of the world, in order that this war not have been in vain, shall remember the name of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. For this purpose, a rock band in Scotland will be assembled bearing his name, thus reminding the younger generations of the horrors of this war. This is very important, even though they probably won't remember who he was, or what he did - just that his name was Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Heck, most of them will probably assume that his first name was "Archduke".
- The Third point shall be left blank in case it becomes necessary to change the treaty in order to prevent WWII from occurring.
- Britain and France shall have a contest to see who can create the wackiest and most conflict-prone state borders in the Middle East for shits and giggles. The winning nation gets to kill Lawrence of Arabia.
- Thirteen points shall precede this point.
- Until point 1 is amended this point shall be treated as non-existent, except to readers who read this downside up, in which case and for whom the reference to point 1 shall be regarded as wishful thinking.
As a postcript Wilson and Lloyd George decided at the last minute to slip in a clause in small writing that they hoped the German negoitators did not see. This clause forced the Germans to change words in their language to make them humorous to English speakers. Thus art museum became 'Kunthaus' for instance, there are many similar words peppered throughout the language which Lloyd George hoped would remind Germans of their war-guilt and the consequences of their actions. continuous eating of chocolate hitlers can cause herpes
Chronology of Events
After the war, the Allies drew up plans to build a tower to heaven to prove just how kickass they were, and to totally FLIP OUT God. When they found out someone had already done it in some pussy-ass town called Babel, they briefly considered suing for copyright infringements, but decided they couldn’t really be bothered. Besides, all the best lawyers were being hanged for war crimes. Instead, they made a really sweet 'No Germans' club (note; original name proposal was League of Nations, but this was abandoned for being totally misleading). Club policy was much the same as that of Uncyclopedia in that anyone could edit it, any time they wanted. Except Germany of course. When Germany pointed that if the club was called "No Germans" then technically they could let one in, the club promptly responded by confiscating all their electrical appliances and making them lick the toilet seats of several public restrooms.
Legacy of the Treaty
To this day, every school child (especially American ones) can tell you, at a moment's notice, the legacy of the Treaty. He or she will demonstrate a sound mastery of the historical implications of the treaty, use excellent vocabulary, back up his or her argument with at least three supporting points, and for God's sake remember that the thesis is supposed to go at the end of the introductory paragraph. WHAT?!? The American kids can't. Jesus, kids, what's wrong with you??? All the kids in England and Japan can do it. Why the hell are you all such idiots? Dammit, if it wasn't for all your damn money, you kids would never get into college. I swear, you'd all be drunk in a filthy gutter if you weren't all such rich fucking bastards. God, I hate my job. Kill me now. I swear. Don't make me go ninja on y'all.
I'm guessing though that if we just dropped all the fucking focus on that emo self-esteem bullshit and actually focused on important shit in teaching, we'd be in a helluva better state.
Additionally, the document is well known as a justification for military action against anger communist squirrels, and their sandy counterpart Zombie Muhammad (not to be confused with Zombie Buddha who ate the original Stalin squirrel during his second coming of 2007)
Prior to the signing of the Treaty all Germans used the word "shower" in reference to a shower or the present tense of the act of showering.
This was commonly accepted as rational and reasonable until the cheeky imps otherwise known as the allied diplomats pulled a prank on the Germans by including a clause in the treaty that required all Germans, by law, to officially change their word for shower to douche.
Ever since the German language has rarely been taken seriously. It is also thought that these same imps are behind the changing of the original German word"fat" to "dick", a cause for further embarrassment.
This clause was highlighted as a key factor in the start of World War Two, after Adolf Hitler, attending a diplomatic party in London before the war, stated in broken English that he "needed a douche". Such was the ridicule he experienced from the English diplomats that he swore to postpone his plans to ship the Jews to Madagascar in order to prepare Germany for war.
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