Treatise of Versailles

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“I'm not signing this shit.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the day he was going to sign the Treatise of Versailles
The Treatise of Versailles was a treaty signed by a number of nations which marked the end of World War I and the beginning of World War II. The treaty was the first historical example of United Nations Politics, a form of debate in which diplomats blow a whole lot of hot air at each other but never get around to actually doing anything. The treaty continues to impact the modern world as diplomats still routinely debate with their heads entirely too far up their own asses.

edit Conditions

After the immense worldwide stupidity that characterized World War I, or as the Germans called it Happyfunundplayinghuhr, the various combatant nations decided to take a breather. Because World War I had been largely characterized by trench warfare, the only ones actually killed were those retarded enough to actually stand up and wave at the opposing machine guns. Their removal from the gene pool wasn't entirely a bad thing, and most people at the time believed the war was doing us all a favor.

However, despite the fact that the British and American forces were still largely intact, by this time they were ready to invade France themselves, if only to get that high-pitched whining sound out of their heads. The Germans, meanwhile, were up to their armpits in bratwurst and not in danger of running out anytime soon. It was clear nothing was going to break the stalemate.

Therefore, in November of 1918 the leader of the opposing sides came together and resolved to decide the war in the only way they knew how. After a brief jerk-off competition, the Kaiser spooged last and therefore had to take responsibility for the war.

What emerged in the following months was the worlds first attempt at drafting a universal referendum. Every side proposed their own versions of the treaty and intense negotiations began. Britain submitted that Germany should be forced to pick up the tab for all the tea they drank and the French hotels they stayed in. Russia demanded that Germany eat the cookie.

France, in a moment of stunning foresight, realized that this would not be its last war and submitted that next time Germany could at least give it the courtesy of a reach-around.

American President Woodrow Wilson came forward with his famous Fourteen Points plan for international reconciliation. Of these points, nine included the words, "mustache ride," three asked to be called "Daddy," and one included the words "mexican stink bug." At the time no one knew what that position was or how it could be attained, so in the end only one point was agreed upon by all parties.

edit The Treaty

Thus writ:

Let it hereby be known and ordained and shouted from the rooftops of all villages far and wide that an international convention of a league of extraordinary nations hath agreed henceforth:

  • Germany wears the gimp suit.

As signed by executives of all non-bitch nations, and also France.

edit Consequences

The reaction to the treaty was fierce and immediate. All German sexual activity was defined by its S&M, and now that all German soldiers were forced into the gimp role, an entire generation of young men were dominated and sodomized. One, at least, did not enjoy it. Adolf Hitler, once a German private under the Kaiser, considered submission disrespectful and a tremendous waste of good German bratwurst. His own personal bratwurst was both under-used and under-sized, especially compared to the stately and oddly shaped Jewish bratwurst he saw. How Adolf knew what Jewish bratwurst looked like remains a mystery, but many historians doubt he saw it accidentally. Regardless of how it happened, Adolf was intensely jealous not just of Jews but also residents of the non-bitch countries (and also France).

Up until then, it was believed that only Korean men were capable of such intense bratwurst-envy. The world proceeded to ignore both Hitler, and his suspiciously distended sphincter. This, Hindsight would later tell us, was a boo-boo.

edit Modern Times

The Treatise of Versailles is generally agreed by modern analysts of be a great turning point in the History of Stupid. Now not only were limp-dicked political types allowed to be crybabies, but now their pet peeves could be written into international law. However, it remained an inescapable fact that for all the arguments, debate, and rhetoric, not one thing had been accomplished. The people of the world, collectively recognized the need for a place where useless people could complain about nothing. This lead to the creation of the United Nations and also the internet.

And if you didn't see that internet joke coming, you are too stupid for this site. Go away.

Now, in the years following the treaty and World War II, absolutely nothing had changed. Our world continues to feel the ramifications of the treaty as every wannabe Hitler and his limp-dicked minions are allowed to do whatever they please. The United Nations, like the authors at Versailles, are too busy stroking each other off to be bothered with things like Iran, Sudan, or North Korea. And, were the United Nations ever to produce a new treaty of any substance, it would probably be just as bad as the first one.

Thus, the people of all non-bitch nations, and also France, instead had to rely on the leadership of George W. Bush.

This, in Hindsight, was another boo-boo.

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