Traralgon

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Main street Traralgon
This is the hole some people like to call 'Traralgon'

Traralgon (pronounced TRalgon by those less educated but can also be pronounced Tra rallgen) is a city within the Latrobe Valley subsystem.

Traralgon was founded by crab people, sometime around the same time as its sister cities Morwell and Moë and is a nice hour or two drive away from Melbourne which is in the state of Disrepair, conveniently for the residents who travel there often for some much needed culture.

Unfortunately some time in the 80's or 90's the residents of Traralgon became known as the town that was forced to merge into a community known as the Latrobe Valley when 3 local councils amalgamated. The landscape is mostly swamp and river to which the inhabitants have evolved, generally around every 10 years of so when the central parkland district of Traralgon is converted into a swamp-like abyss.

It is a well known fact that the easiest way to spot a Traralgonite is to just look for people who wear fake brand name clothes purchased from the Dandenong markets, but wear more makeup or metal in their skin then clothes. This is dependent on whether residents from surrounding areas such as Moe or Morwell are afoot and how drunk or high they are at the time.

Traralgon people are best known for their imaginary epic win lifestyle as opposed to their neighbours, Moe and Morwell. They believe they have a much better town and a lower crime rate but this is what happens when you walk around with a pole up your arse.

Traralgon is a great town to bring up a family in if you want them to develop habits such as buying un-necessary fake accessories, drinking constantly, skipping school and becoming uneducated, constant swearing, going out to parties on weekdays, destroying public places, getting high with their friends (most likely lads)and bashing up their own parents because they wont 'pass the bong'.

Local Attractions

On the spur of the moment attractions:

The twelvies (12 year old girls) that walk around in almost nothing and drink cruisers to get drunk.

The 'lads' who smoke weed and wear brand name clothing such as 'Adidas'.

Ethnic gangs roaming the streets that bleeding hearts and politically correct wankers deny exist.

Ryans Hotel fights - Watch the local bogans beat each other up in a alcohol fuelled rampage. Also note that the current management (as of March 2012) is using stolen light and sound equipment, and rumour has it that they are buying cheaper liquor and putting them into expensive liquor bottles to squeeze more money out of unsuspecting idiots.

The old hospital land gradually being built up with buildings that look like shit.


Attractions that need planning ahead of time for maximum enjoyment:

Drinking

Getting drunk on a weekend, this is generally the only thing interesting to do on a weekend in Traralgon, this is evidenced by the numerous pubs and other nightlife. Not getting drunk at least twice a week is considered to be extremely offensive to the inhabitants of Traralgon and is a crime punishable by being tied to a chair and being made watch reruns of Neighbours or Having a meal with the author of this story.

Cruising

Driving your car up and down the main street with loud music on in your car during the evening is an acceptable activity for youngsters. This will make you look cool amongst the 17 to 24 year old age bracket.

Spot the visitors

People in Traralgon label the neighbouring townsfolk as moccasin wearers, thus you will hear the term Moe moccasins as a general reference to fashionable footwear in this town. Traralgon residents as a whole believe they are far superior to the residents of neighbouring towns, this is known as 'headuparsitis'

Perving at chicks

If you are a teenage girl you should be wary of walking down long roads such as Kay Street or Grey Street as these are well known haunts for that not so rare creature known as the car-whistler.

This creatures habits include whistling at girls who are participating in the healthy hobby of walking as they drive past in their car. It does not matter what state of attire you are in, the whistler will whistle at you anyway if you appear to be female.

This is a well known mating ritual so if you are actually a male with long female-like hair you should quickly hide somewhere, this should deter any whistlers from attempting more mating ritual-like behaviours such as returning for another whistle or for the more intrusive ritual of pulling over to the side of the road and dragging you into the car with intention to sexually molest.

Holespotting

The Latrobe Valley is well known for its coal mining industry which provides the state of Victoria with much needed electricity which comes in handy if you don't want to walk around holding a kerosene lantern like in the olden days. If you walk far enough outside of town you might find yourself looking into a big black hole otherwise known as an open cut coal mine. This basically means that if you like big black holes you are in the right place.

See also

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