Translink (Northern Ireland)

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Translink Logo

“I love to ride on the big pink bus”
~ Oscar Wilde on Translink
“I ain't gettin' on no Goldliner!”
~ Mr T on Translink
“Goldliners burn like a dream”
~ Martin McGuiness, Ex IRA Man on Translink

Transport Linksportations (Translink) is the holding company for all of Northern Ireland's public transport services. The company was formed in order that prices might never need decrease and that service should never improve beyond mediocre.

edit (Citybus) Metro

Metro is the new name for Citybus. Correction, Metro is a totally new bus service from Translink. It operates the following routes in Belfast. Buses are pink and bendy.

edit Ulsterbus

Ulsterbus is Translink's rural service, for the "culchie" folk. IT has been accused that Ulsterbus is just a bunch of crap old buses that no one on Belfast would be seen dead using anymore. Who'd want a blue Ulsterbus when a bright pink one has "seats".

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Translink (Northern Ireland).

A number of sightings of the Ulsterbus inter-city services, the Goldliner, would seen to indicate that a Goldliner is simply a bunch of old cars taped together. It has also been suggested that the Goldliners take more "protestant routes" but the spokesman for ulsterbus confirmed that the charge "was absolute bollix" and added "ay yer ma!" to the protesters outside the Northern Ireland Space Station.

Typical Ulsterbus

An Ulsterbus coming back from service

It is disputed as to whether or not Translink serves Norn Iron's mythical second city Derry. The elusive 212 'Ghost Bus' service, the 'Maiden City Flier', is said to run every hour from Belshaft's Europa Hotel bus station but upon enquiry a Translink employee stated that the destination, Derry, 'did not exist.'

As of Septemeber 2009, all Ulsterbuses must now be equiped with at least 1 damp urine soaked seat and 1 penis sneeze gaurd, in accordance with new public safety legislation, proposed by the Rt. Hon. Rev. Dr. Eamonn Holmes QC OBE FTPSNI MBE PHD

edit Mucksavage awareness

Manys a contemporary country folk has testified to the wider Irish public that the legendary war chariot of old, the Ulsterbus, is a sure place to spot some of the rarer beasts of Irish legend - the 'mucksavage' cailiní. Hunting in textbook fashion and often dressed to the ankles in their sacred ceremonial 'O'Neills' attire, it is not uncommon for an alpha-savage to emerge from this pack and to "swing the leg over" a male commuter especially if dressed to the hilt in his mating uniform - the county geansaí. This male must then reply with a blood curdling cry of horror lest he feel the collective wrath of the 'savages. Following this awful deed, the pack will often retreat to the relative safety of The Botanic Inn or The Hatfield House and the porter will flow (as is recounted in a number of Irish literary masterpieces) only to then trudge home later that afternoon with another victim in tow. Few men have ever made it out of a 'savage's den psychologically unscathed. The more secluded areas of the country are known to harbour the most ferocious man-huntin' mucksavages on earth and it is rare to escape from their predatory ways. There is only one real protection at a man's disposal when it comes handling the lethal mucksavage and it is recorded succinctly in an old Irish proverb - 'If ye can't lift 'er, don't shift 'er'.

edit Ulsterbus Foyle

Ulsterbus Foyle is Derry's answer to Citybus Metro Metro. Similar to Belfast, Ulsterbus Foyle uses Quality Bus Corridors (Roads). Instead of the 12 routes employed by Metro, Ulsterbus Foyle uses 13. A system of prime numbering simplifies the system for tourists. Prices are significantly cheaper than Belfast, but then the buses aren't decorated with glitter.

Ulsterbus Foyle does not serve Muff (the gateway to Derry), but Lough Swilly bus are happy to take you for a ride through Muff.

edit Goldline


One of the famous Goldliners

Translink's Goldliner service was a tie in promotion to the popular movie Goldfinger. Despite popular belief, the buses themselves are not made from gold, rather gold painted faeces. This is just one of the many cost saving measures that Translink is renowned for (such as not stopping to pick up passengers when they signal a bus to stop and the customary anal probe received when both embarking on and disembarking from your journey).

edit Northern Ireland Railways

Translink's flagship vehicle, the Trainship Enterprise, runs bi-annually to the outer reaches of the known island, achieving the daring warp factor of 50 mph (80 km/h). It operates despite except when there are leaves on the line, paying passengers and indeed a breathable atmosphere outside the vehicle (but don't worry, the diesel fumes generally bang this down up round this). The Enterprise can usually be found parked between Newry and Dublin due to break downs or bombs on the line.

Translink's new fleet of trains now have toilets on board together with the scary lesbian sounding woman that tells you to close and lock the doors! A far cry from the nice lady announcing your arrival to Gt Victoria Street (Presumed Straight). You can usually find these filled to neck with piss or notice that the bowl has been heavily browned with skid marks longer than the M1.

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