Transitive property

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“If Mark Twain is a wanker and wankers are hacks, then the rest goes without saying, really.”
~ Oscar Wilde on transitive relations

“I had always dreamed of fucking my father, but I recently found out that he was indeed married to my sister. I fucked my sister instead.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Transitive Property


The transitive property is a mathematical postulate that states if variable a = b and variable b = c, then variable a must equal c. Historically, it is logically infallible and is thus the most powerful tool in the master orator's repertoire. It began in the 1830s as a simple way for philosophers and economists to make assumptions about reality without having to do any time-wasting research to support their bids for Nobel prizes. However, thanks to science, its credibility and use has become so widespread that the word "truth" is no longer potent enough to capture its essence accurately and any attempt to do so with such a mundane word should be punished by prolonged exposure to the decapitation virus.

edit History

It is commonly believed that Cicero, the master orator, fervent debator, part Grue, credited himself with the first use of the transitive property during one of his torrid love affairs with the semi-colon. That shouldn't surprise you, should it? He was a hack (thus making him Mark Twain, by default, thanks to the transitive property). If it had not been for this serendipitous use of the transitive property, his legacy would have been dispatched and he would have been forever recorded in the annals of history as an asshat. Rather than being sacked by history and historians alike, Cicero instead used the transitive property to defeat Sallust in a landmark debate before the Roman Senate on the issue of whether or not it was common courtesy to give one's impressionable adolescent male student a reach-around during the traditional student-teacher sodomy (read: study hall). Sadly, Sallust's last bastion of hope was a lowly Venn Diagram, which although similar to the transitive property, is subject to exclusions and is therefore inadequate or half-assed. As an aside, it should be pointed out that not giving one's impressionable adolescent male student a reach-around in Roman times was inadequate and Cicero was quick to point out that, via the transitive property, such an act was akin to handing said student a Venn Diagram during class and calling it a "lesson".

edit The Transitive Property and You

So, you want to use the transitive property, eh? Only geniuses can master the art of the transitive property. Are you a genius? Can you smell the implications of the transitive property at work within the introduction to this section? Is this leading enough for you?

First, clear off an adequate amount of space within your work area. Make sure you have the proper tools: a mechanical pencil, some graph paper, a scratchpad and a protractor. The transitive property is old school and this is how old school pictures the workspace of a genius on the verge of greatness. You might even doodle a flying machine or a phallus, but be sure to label everything, thus making it a diagram (science!) and not a cartoon (clown shit, man). Next, think of a scientific truth that has been proven and well-documented with aeons of historical evidence. If you can't think of one (gravity doesn't count, by the way. It is considered magic and can't be proven or believed, only feared), think of a personal truism. Are you eating a peach right now? You should be. I'll wait for you to get one. INTERMISSION.

Ok, now begin eating your peach. You are now in possession of an obvious personal truism: "I am eating a peach." If you extract this into a generality ("I eat peaches"), you're .3333333 of the way to your first implementation of the transitive property. The next phase is to consider another object which also might interact with you in the same manner as the peach. If you are a barrel clown, this might take the form of a sandwich. You must now use the relationship between you and the peach and between you and the hypothetical sandwich to inextricably link the peach to the sandwich. This requires thought, Red Bull and may or may not be executed in binary:

  1. I eat peaches.
  2. I also eat sandwiches.
  3. All peaches must be sandwiches.

See how powerful that is? In principle, you have just turned all peaches into sandwiches without worrying about cross-pollenation, polymorphism or grafting. Incredible. Let's recap:

transitive property = graph paper-->peach-->sandwich-->philosophy-->ubertruth

edit Famous Instances of Transitive Property

edit Newton

  1. This apple hit me on the head.
  2. My wife, a brute, also hits me, a pansy, on the head.
  3. This apple is ergo my wife, possibly because of a witch.

edit George Washington

  1. I chopped down the cherry tree.
  2. Lumberjacks chop down trees.
  3. I am ergo a badass grizzled woodsman. Bring on those Redcoat ninnies.

edit Nobel Prize

  1. The Nobel Prize is worth a million dollars.
  2. Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft has $34 billion.
  3. Bill Gates has won 34,000 Nobel Prizes for the Microsoft product catalog.

edit Irresponsible Uses of the Transitive Property

edit Hitler

  1. I shall kill all civilians without blonde hair and blue eyes.
  2. I am a civilian without blonde hair and blue eyes.
  3. I shall commit suicide before they get their grubby little hands on me.

edit Salk

  1. This syringe cures polio.
  2. FDR has polio.
  3. Stabbing the President with needles is a good idea which instigates ambulatory movement, indicating perfect health.

edit Some random guy

  1. You are not wearing cheese shorts.
  2. Canada is not wearing cheese shorts.
  3. You are Canada.
  4. You are idiotic.

edit The Venn Diagram

The Venn Diagram is the illegitimate little red-headed bastard stepchild brother of the universally applicable transitive property and should be considered a stub reeking of NRV. I mean, honestly, if you can't use something to reach a conclusive, inarguable all-encompassing proof, don't use it at all. The Venn Diagram is the product of an unimaginative dental school dropout and it can be said with confidence that if one produces said diagram, he or she did not have a clean workspace and/or a protractor. Or he didn't label the picture he drew of the phallus and is also, coincidentally, a pervert who draws crude peepees on loose leaf.

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