HowTo:Be a Tramp
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Are you sick and tired of the daily grind? Bored of that deadend job with no future promotion prospects and long for a more adventurous life on the edge? Then becoming a tramp is just the life for you. This handy guide will outline everything you need to become and live a fascinating life as a homeless person, outlining in easy steps How To Be a Tramp.
Brief background summary
Tramps, or 'homeless', as they are often termed, were invented in the 1950's by the American Government as a ploy to get more of the taxpayers money without asking for tax. Homeless people may look real but they are actually government robots designed to look pathetic and smell funky. Although these robots are convincing (3 out of ten passed that test from Blade Runner) you can tell they are members of government because they do nothing good for society.
"This is for food, not for drugs."
people robots of the modern world, homeless people have no money. But what separates the homeless from the common broke ass 'mofo' is the fact that many of these vagrants have no place to live, whereas I live in Connecticut and have a six-bedroom house. But that don't mean I got money:
|“||I haven't paid my taxes in four goddamn years and they came and took my car away this afternoon. Shit, I'm broke!||”|
"Is it just me or does it smell like pee?"
Most tramps live on the streets. You can often find them selling themselves to passers-by, turning tricks in order to score more cash for their addictions to aluminium. Aluminium is a valuable drug and many homeless people get into fights over 'scoring the pure shit'. It can be quite costly, some homeless being charged as much as a dumpster dive, but the payoff is sweet. Most get a strong high from metal, while others can make 5 cents in California, 10 cents in Maine.
"Get out my store! We don't want you here! Get out! No money, no good!"
When not busy cluttering up the sidewalk with their sleeping selves, tramps can be found working as meteorologists for the local news stations. You can often see them walking around, apparently aimless, with their hands out and asking for change in atmospheric conditions. It is believed that this practice of measuring changes in barometric pressure is something that homeless people brought from their dark lands where they make the Nikes.
"Vietnam vet my ass."
Programs to help the homeless have popped up all over America. In Florida, for instance, a new welfare-based initiative has been enacted whereby passers-by can freely beat the living shit out of homeless people, causing the bums to run/keeping them moving and thus helping them to stay warm and well-oiled.
"Sheesh, look at that guy. My Wino-Meter is going off the charts."
It has been projected that by the year 2090, futuristic death stadiums known as 'Hobodomes' will begin to pop up across America. Partly inspired by the film 'Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome' and also partly inspired by America's love of whomping winos, the Hobodome will feature the vagrantiest vagrants of the world pitted against each other in vicious and hilarious battles. The loser receives death, the winner receives a box of wine and a coupon for a free meal at Sizzler.
Becoming a tramp
OK, you have decided that you would like to be a tramp. On the evidence of above, you have made an excellent choice: you will get to travel the
world country city, eating and drinking for free every day, and never have to change your underpants. Sounds great, doesn't it? Well, becoming homeless is simple. All you need to do is any number of the following things:
- First of all, you will need to be sacked from your current place of employment. This is easy and can be achieved simply by smashing your boss's BMW up with a jackhammer, pretending you have gone mental. However the same effect can be achieved by sleeping with his/her partner: this option is preferable as it is much more fun.
- Note: if you are already unemployed, then obviously this step is not much of a problem, you Scally.
- Next, if you have a family, you will need to find some way of getting 'rid' of them. The best way is to tell them you are going to the pub and don't know when you'll be back: that should cover it sufficiently. However, throwing your clothes into the sea and leaving a lengthy suicide note nearby should do the trick.
- The third step is to somehow relinquish your monetary gains. This can be done by throwing all your cash on a bonfire. If you are feeling charitable, however, you could give your money to the Salvation Army who may treat you with a little extra, shall we say, 'respect' in your forthcoming period as a homeless person as a consequence.
- Finally, get on a bus, any bus, and fall asleep. This will be your first night as a homeless person, so you might as well get some shelter, at least until the driver kicks you off at the last stop. Wherever you end up when this happens will be your home for the next umpteen days.
If you have followed the instructions correctly up until now, you are well on your way to becoming a 'proper' tramp. However, before you become a genuine fully fledged hobo, there are certain 'initiation rites' you must complete for the benefit of the homeless community, known as the Guild of Tramps. These vary from town to town and country to country:
- New York City, US: Compete in the annual bumfight tournament and win.
- Liverpool, England: Kill at least one scally, preferably with a pointed stick.
- Melbourne, Australia: Down six cans of Victoria Bitter in one go.
- Aberdeen. Scotland: Develop an accent more indecipherable than the locals. Drink marginally more Tennent's Super than the locals.
Always remember to check with the homeless association for details of the local initiation rites. Once you have successfully completed your task, you will be accepted into the tramps association and thus officially become a hobo.
Now you have been initiated into the tramp fraternity, the next step is to find something to do all day. You could lie around on the streets doing nothing, but let's face it: you won't live long eating stuff from the pavement. You're gonna need to find suitable employment if you want to finance a supply of chips and Tennent's to keep you alive and trampin'.
There is a publication especially made for tramps. It is named The Sun, and can be borrowed from all
good bad newsagents. In it you will find an 'employment' section compiled by tramps, for tramps. Following is a selection of some of the jobs which might appeal to you and how to spot them:
- Wanted: Trainee cashpoint stalker. Must be
inconspicuous unobtrusive clean shavenliving and have at least two years of experience annoying members of the public. Poor hygiene preferred, but not essential.
- Vacancy for a sinister underpass mutterer. Groan-enducing crippling disease an advantage, but not required. Masses of promotion potential: if successful could become full time zombie impersonator. Ability to stretch a single cough out over twelve seconds desireable.
- Wanted: supermarket pilferer. Must be experienced trolley navigator and motivation to stay alive.
- Urgently required: A pigeon lady with no less than two years experience in cavorting with feathered pests. Must have deep-seated hatred of humanity.
- Dream of the bright lights of Las Vegas? Become a slot monkey, and spend 19 hours a day slumped in front of 'your' one armed bandit. You will need to have a good head for figures as you frantically jot down each and every one of your failed bets in a grubby, torn notebook. Having one arm longer than the other is also an advantage.
Finding Food and Drink
Should you have followed step number 3, the Salvation Army will work for you, preparing scrumptious stale wholemeal bread and lentil soup each morning: you will have nothing to worry about. However, if, like some tramps, you decided to become homeless due to lack of money, there are many sources of nourishment available if you are constantly alert.
- There is a constant supply of water available from public toilets and swimming pools, but the slight taste of urine and other such harmful chemicals means that this should be avoided wherever possible. Lurking around the local pub or bar minesweeping is always an effective source of liquid. Find the roughest-looking one you can where people will be less bothered about you pinching half their pints.
- The best thing to do is sit outside an expensive restaurant with outdoor tables - this aspect is rather important, as going inside a café will invariably get you thrown out. Ambushing unsuspecting diners is easy in more affluent areas: rich people are stupid.
- Or, if this fails, go to the local park and hide in the duck pond. There is always a steady supply of pensioners throwing slices of Hovis to the birds. This provides a tasty, wholesome snack. Beware of swans and park keepers, however: you will need to be swift and discreet.
Where to sleep
Now you are a tramp, most of your day will be spent sleeping. Finding a place to sleep on the streets is very easy. There are hundreds of door entrances, bus shelters and train stations which provide shelter from the rain. Just be aware of fellow tramps jealous that you got the last bus shelter in town on a stormy evening: always carry broken beer bottles as protection. Should the weather be fair, then a park bench is preferable. There are lots of these and there is invariably a litter bin nearby providing you with breakfast and a morning newspaper.
Some useful tips
- Local boot sales and flea markets are unpoliced and are easy to 'borrow' clothing and other such accessories from.
- Whilst scrounging on rubbish dumps, always be on the lookout for musical instruments. Be especially vigilant in looking for guitars: these are the easiest of all instruments to play (See HowTo: Learn Guitar. Note: you might want to print this off as well...). These can be used in conjunction with a tape player to pretend you can play in order for people to give you pennies.
- Stand on street corners and dance, dance, dance. Don't worry about looking a wally, just remember to lay your hat out first to catch the numerous coins which people may throw at you.
- Alternatively, mug a charity worker and steal their collection bucket, name tag and license pass. This can prove to be a brilliant source of finance for those precious juices, Tesco Value lager and Special Brew.
- Buy some cheap CDs or cassette tapes (or just steal them) from local boot sales and write on each of them "Queen's Speech". You can sell these discs for several pounds quite quickly to civilians (tourists are easy targets) in the streets, especially in London areas. This trick is very handy, but be sure to run off when unsatisfied customers report back to you with raging fists. Plus, make sure you don't offer any to the police; usually they don't appreciate your "respect for royalty".
- Hang around petrol stations, wait for people to go and pay for their fuel, then go investigate their cars. Normally the best targets are pensioners, as they spend the most time processing their purchases they give you plenty of time to rummage through their belongings and shopping.
- NOTE: Make sure nobody is in the car before poking your head in. A lot of homeless related injuries are reported to be from jammed heads in car doors.
It will be very useful for you, during the time you are a tramp, to communicate with fellow 'travellers'. Following is a selection of useful words and phrases for the aspiring hobotramp:
|Gurraaaatafukkenbollerks||You are looking at me in a way which I disapprove of|
|Gerrrarrrrtovityerfuggeh||Please desist from utilising my bench|
|Blummmenwelllgetlorrrst||No, I will not allow you to have a sip of my can of Tennent's.|
|Fuurginn bushtards furrrrrr gurrrr ferrguff||I hate you, quite simply. Kindly remove yourself from my rubbish dump.|
|Grooble bast furgle turrrrrr||Oh, no. I have forgotten to donate money to the children's charity.|
|Smellyoonnionbblue||Excuse me, pray tell why you and your friends are waiting outside the Astoria/Mean Fiddler complex in London?|
|Guh?||That is indeed odd, ol' chap. Please do explain in detail what you mean by that. I do enjoy a chart if it helps you explain it.|
|Godmilljaaaaar(famous flemish saying)||Could you please spare me a dime next time kind sir, I have feet to feed.|