Train
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Trains are commonly regarded as strange combinations of public transport, mobile torture devices and lateness inductors. The ratio of public transport to torture varies as a function of the time of day. Around the beginning or end of the standard working day the ratio massively favors torture/lateness at the expense of transport. At other times of day the ratio balances out again.
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[edit] Operating Trains
" In Soviet Russia we have no trains, only T-72's"
Russian on Trains (talking not actually on a train, cause he's in Russia and they have no trains)
[edit] Accidents
There trains hitting things that stray into their path, and there are de-trailments where a train leaves the trail and wanders off into the surrounding countryside. Heavy equipment is then brought in to clear a path and re-unite the train with the rail. Said equipment being stolen from road works, so that those who wisely chose not to take the train can also be late. In some cases trains will de-trail in order to hit vehicles that are just out of reach. Actually most of these are anything but accidents, with railway staff removing bolts and sometimes entire sections of rail in an attempt to win the monthly award for most delayed train.
On the 10th of August 2009, a thieving scouse berk who went by the name ith Liam gill, managed to electrocute himself on top of an electric train. This, of course, caused a sudden flurry of activity on the phenominally funny sick joke website, Sickipedia. This, of course, cause a sudden flurry of badly-spelled protests on Facebook along with even more badly-spelled threats.
[edit] Trainspotters & Railfans
They are mysterious people who hang out at "geeky train sites". They are associated with frothing, especially since they have been exposed to Personal Rabid Transit in unusually large numbers, causing them to drool every time they see the window in front of a train - the "railfan window". It is not unheard-of for trainspotters' trips to be knee deep in white bubbly froth from the trainspotters themselves; hence they are also known as "frothers". This especially applies to younger vegetables (as they are known) from Surrey and/or Kings Cross, London in the United Kingdom.
[edit] 'Trainman'
A distant cousin yet unrelated to 'Rainman' who is able to tell you all about trains, he is constantly abused by the rail companies for being a public nuisance and sexual target. Another name for the train obsessed is foamers, because of the way they foam at the mouth over trains. Always stand at least three feet away from these people when they are talking about trains, In fact never engage a foamer about trains if you don't want to be held up for the next two days.
[edit] Belt-Overhang
For anyone involved in the operation of railways to be at least remotely important, they must wear a hi-visibility vest, have a decent amount of belt-overhang, as well as being able to stand around on a mobile phone for hours on end.
The more belt-overhang you have, the more important you proportionally are. Next time at your local station, then look at the staff - the higher rank they hold, then the more belt-overhang they will have. In the case of Thomas the Tank Engine, the person with most belt-overhang is the Fat Controller (known in the United States as Sir Topham Hatt), and he is in charge of the whole Ham Factory. Thomas regularly needs energy, and gets it by eating tons of ham.
[edit] Lateness Induction
Trains somehow manage to create delay from nothing. Scientists are baffled by this, but work progresses to allow them to harness this phenomenon to create perpetual motion. It is believed that vikings may be involved in this process in some way. Indeed, the further East from the Norse regions you go, the less delay likely to be created, hence the most-delayed trains being in the United Kingdom, which is almost as far west as you can go, before going further west.
Interestingly, few instances of Viking-induced, train-created lateness have been reported in Ireland, due West of the United Kingdom, just south of the Fractious Republic. This may be due to the protective effects of permanent holidays and the famous liquor volcanoes of north-central Ireland.
This effect is attributed to the usual non-arrival of all Cityrail trains in Sydney and all Connex/Veolia trains in Melbourne.
[edit] Viking Attacks
Trains are prone to violent attacks by Vikings. It is believed that these attacks are in some way created to aid trains' power to create lateness, or maybe due to their length. Further evidence for this hypothesis has recently come to light with the discovery of Viking raids in the later parts of the middle ages. Again, lateness was created, sometimes decades worth, but in these instances the causal trains have not been identified. Other late era Viking raids have been reported in the American West, late in the industrial age, with very large trains failing completely to arrive at their destinations, being found immobile, deep in the western deserts, with strange Viking artifacts also present.
[edit] Sewage Dumping
Train toilets often dump what one leaves in the toilet on the tracks. This can turn messy when the train is stationary on a bridge and people are under the bridge. Also, at high speeds, sewage can blow back up at the flusher and cover them in pee and poo. Warnings are placed next to toilets to advise not to flush in stations but the experienced prankster knows not to obey them as it is funny to look out the window and see the people on the opposite platform with disgusted looks on their faces when they notice wee dripping and poo falling onto the train tracks, which is left in their sight until they get on their train and go.
[edit] Flying
Trains have minds of their own. When they are depressed they stay on their assigned track route (as if they are lurking or something). When they are happy (or just on drugs), they fly into the sky. Of course, anyone who doesn't have a life (or someone who watches Thomas the Tank Engine) knows this.
[edit] Disbelief There Of
It is not uncommon to meet one who denies the existence of Trains. These people are mostly found: at school board meetings (where they rant about how the creation and progression of the railroad should be dropped from the Social Studies Curriculum), in protest in front of railway stations, and (Ironically) leading the "Rails to Trails" Organization. If stopped by protesting Roculogists (Rogulogy is religion based around disbelief in trains) on your way to a train station, it is suggested that you take a bus very far and very fast, but the chances of you moving at such speed in such little time are very slim because....your on a bus. Many famous Roculogists have made their presence known, but mainly just THE JONAS BROTHERS, whose songs contain subliminal messages such as: "How dare you ride that thing to work!?!??"(Which is quite controversial), "There's only trains in...H...E...Double hockey sticks!!!", and "THE TRAIN IS A LIE!!!" Roculogists work in very odd ways to show the public of there presence, usually holding up traffic to stop and yell at railroad cross-bucks, building their houses and churches on top of train tracks, or holding railfans hostage in their basements. (Note: Few Roculogists actually have a basement due to their house being on top of train tracks or destroyed by Trains. The lucky few who do proudly display their railfans.) The most unique part of their culture is the fact that they all die in some sort of train related incident. Perhaps the most sad part is the looks of utter confusion on the other Roculogists' faces at the funeral.
[edit] The Gay Train
[edit] Fap Fap Train
The fap fap train the fap fap train
Ceejus fapping chickens on his fap fap train
"fap fap fap fap WOOH WOOOHH! fap fap fap fap"
( INJOKE DETECTED
INJOKE IDENTITY: FAP FAP TRAIN ORIGIN: ANCIENT GAMEFAQS FAD)
Ghost Train
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- Amtrek Official Website
- The Miami Valley Rail Authority (archived at the waybackmachine.org)
- Amtrak.com
- what railfans talk about when drunk
