Tracey Ullman

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"Take off everything but your tool belt!"

Tracey 'Sybil' Ullman (AKA Osama bin Ullman) was born on 30 December 1987. She was born and raised in Afghanistan, where she trained as an enemy combatant. It was during this time that she would master the fine art of terrorizing the public, including poor innocent celebrities. At some point she moved to Britain and picked up enough English to get by.

edit Career

In the early 80s, Ullman pretended to be singer/songwriter/failed swimmer Kirsty MacColl, a woman she would later drown in order to keep that chapter of her life a secret. She actually released a hit album, "You Smelled My Farts in 17 Places." She also released another album which nobody cared about.

Around this time, she noticed her knack for fooling the public into believing that she was British (even though she didn't have bad English teef), so she decided to give acting a try. She hooked up with comedians Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, and Ruby Tuesday in the short-lived comedy series, "Girls on Pot." Tracey was the hot one of the bunch. She stood out amongst the others -- the others being a cow, a Jew, and a recently up the duff Jennifer Saunders (pregnant chicks, or PCILTF, weren't a fetish back then and xHamster didn't exist). The girls got jealous and killed off Tracey's character, forcing her to scram.


Getting raped by a dog on television won Ullman her 18th Emmy Award.

Out of a job, Tracey decided to a spawn with an octogenarian tv producer. She named the baby Mabel. Mabel would go onto become institutionalized after years of being the butt of her mother's jokes and the subject of her mother's incessant stories on television. Tracey was the original Kathy Lee Gifford.

Tracey got sick of the Brits, and after attempting to blow up Parliament, she was forced to emigrate to the United States to avoid doing time in the Tower of London. It was in America that she would gain iconic status and piss off as many minorities as possible.

"Tracey's Ullman Show," a Schiz-com, debuted in 1987. Tracey would do a brazillion characters, sing and dance (famed pharmacist, Paula Abdul provided choreography and coke for the cast), and do all kinds of crazy shit which got on her co-stars' nerves. Said co-stars retaliated by threatening to walk if producers didn't give them a spot in the show without Tracey. Tracey would lock the cast in their dressing rooms and pretend to be them just so she could get more airtime. Since they were nobodies, a shitty compromise was made: they would be paid an extra $10 for supplying the voices for some ghetto cartoon shorts. These shorts would air in and out of commercial breaks. The cartoon would be based on the love affair between Orenthal James and Wallace Simpson. After 17 years, the public got tired of Ullman and decided that they wanted to see more of the cartoons and less of her crazy ass. The joke was on Tracey! Soon there became no need for the ex-British skank. A spin-off show was created just for the cartoon characters. This show was simply called "The Simpsons." Being a cunt, Tracey sued the yellow bastards for money. She lost the case and was out of a job again.

Barely making ends meet, Tracey was reduced to taking acting jobs in some really bad films including "I Hate You To Death: The Tracey Ullman Story."

Pretty soon, Tracey was forced into seclusion per a probation agreement.


Desperate to get a second season, Tracey tongues a female network exec.

Ten years went by, and Tracey and her husband were hard up for cash. Her husband could no longer afford adult diapers so Tracey was forced to go back to work.

"Tracey Takes off," a new pornographic Schiz-com, was bought by the HOMO cable network. Tracey, again, played multiple characters. The HMO network gave her the freedom to make fun of the crippled, the blind, and the homosexualists. The series had multiple guest stars, although none more famous than Tracey's prominent camel toe. Miss Toe appeared in almost every episode to the delight of fish-fingered lesbians everywhere.

After four seasons, Tracey got tired of wearing prosthetic penises and tits for her male characters, and Miss Toe was aiming to break out on her own. Both left the HOMO network and departed amicably.

Tracey tried her hand at some odd jobs, including one where she played a woman who puts a bottle in her cooch in John Waters' "A Dirty Movie."

Happy being out of the limelight, Tracey settled down and began waiting for euthanasia to come calling.

edit Stint in Guantanamo

In 2005, Tracey was stopped at LAX and arrested for impersonating a black Asian airport security woman. Her ass was subsequently shipped off to Gitmo.

Three years went by, and Tracey went back to her roots: reading the Quaran and growing a beard. Suddenly, she got the brilliant idea of telling the CIA that she was actually a Jew and couldn't possibly be a dirty Muslim terrorist. She broke into a bunch of Yiddish gibberish, or yibberish, and they granted her release.

Scared to death of being sent back to Afghanistan, or even worse, Britain, Tracey decided to gain American citizenship. She was sworn in and decided to go back to television to seek vengeance on the country that threw her into a concentration camp. She was out for blood.

edit Today


(left) Ullman, (right) Zellweger

This time she passed on doing a show for the HOMO network and went to Showtime, a network with an even bigger homosexualist agenda. Tracey kept tabs on all the Hollywood elite that pissed her off.

Tracey's hatred for trout face Renée Zellweger started a public feud between the two stars. Tracey impersonated the blowfish in her new show "Tracey Ullman's State of America." This would result in Zellweger getting a face transplant a few years later.

Making fun of Asians is all the rage these days, and Tracey was ready to cash in. She darkened up her face, put a dot on her forehead, and Bollywooded in her new show. This bitch still has hot legs - no veins or nuthin'. Cankle-free!

Tracey's children no longer speak to her.

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