Totty

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[edit] A Tale As Old As Time

PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIn November of 1963, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was killed by an assassin's bullet in Dallas, Texas. The man who "fired the gun", despite speculation otherwise, was Totty. Totty stole our nation's father figure from its arms and sent the U.S. spiraling into a thick depression which would ultimately lead to the national identity crisis we now refer to as '1986'. This one man alone destroyed our hopes and dreams, leaving us to ask, "Why, Totty, why?"

[edit] Humble Beginnings

Born in the summer of his 27th year, Totty left yesterday behind him. The son of a pregnant soy bean farmer and his wife, his early years were filled with misinformation and outright lies. One of these lies was that Totty would someday grow up to be a man. This was a lie because Totty was actually a girl, but his parents really wanted a son to carry on the family name. At age 30, he left the family home in Utah and set off on a journey which would ultimately lead him to Dealey Plaza and President John F. Kennedy.

[edit] The Mind of the Assassin

A rare view of Totty at his favorite restaurant, Fuddruckers. Note the umbrella. He has gone quite mad due to his involvement in the assassination and takes it wherever he goes.

Upon arriving in Dallas in October 1963, Totty was shocked and amazed with the grandiosity of this most fair of American cities. He visited the Southfork Ranch where he met up with a group of angry libertarians and a few unhappy librarians. It was here that the plan was hatched. That plan? Kill the President of the United States.

Though little is known of what Totty did between October and late November, a few things are sure: Halloween was celebrated on October 31, and, soon after that, it was November. Also, experts agree that the temperature was most probably cooler than it had been in June.

On November 22, 1963, Totty carried a newly purchased umbrella to Dealey Plaza. As the President's motorcade passed by, three shots rang out. Mrs. Jacquelyn Kennedy (no relation) was heard to scream, "Oh my God, we'll never make it to luncheon now!" At that point, Totty opened his umbrella (frame 137 of the Zapruder film), causing the President, who suffered high blood pressure, to be startled. This enstartlementation caused the blood to rush to his head which subsequently exploded from excessive pressure.

The President was pronounced dead soon after arrival at Parkland Hospital. The government charged some patsy but they knew Totty was responsible. The nation mourned, got drunk, cried in the arms of a total stranger, went home, slept it off, took two Aspirin® in the morning, felt guilty about it, then mourned some more.

Then The Beatles came and everything felt a little better. The general consensus was that Paul was the cute one and John was the smart one. Also, many felt George came off as the quiet one, but still cute, while Ringo was the ugly one without argument (and not a particularly good drummer, either).

[edit] Totty Today

After the Kennedy explosion, Totty continued to roam the countryside, showing off his umbrella (which he referred to as an 'unbrella' because he was pretty stupid) and impregnanting various farm folk. He later moved to California where he is now known under his assumed identity of 'Ellen DeGeneres'.

FIN