Tottenham Hotspur

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Spurs
Tottenhamlogo
Damn That Bloody Cockeral - Manchester Utd 2-3 Spurs
Founded A long, long time ago, by a bunch of bored Jews who were fed up with cricket
Ground Shite Hart Lane, London
Manager André Villas-Boas
Chairman Daniel Levy
Division Barclays Premier League

Tottenham Hotspur are a footballing side who first originated from Middlesex (subsequently North London when the boundaries changed in 1987). They have always been in the shadow of Arsenal FC.

In one hundred years of the FA Premier League's existence, it has been empirically proven that Tottenham Hotspur (often referred to by their largely brainwashed fan base as 'Spurs') cannot complete a league season above the position of fourth. They are widely renowned for having won the UEFA Champions League an outstanding zero times. Some believe that this is due to the fact that a previous coach, the Dutch rapist Martin Jol and dietitian Gus 'Pubehead' Davidson, insisted that the team were fed a diet of Asda own-brand lasagne, which is of questionable quality but supposedly very good value for money. It is believed that due to budget constraints, old pieces of lasagne are reheated at meal times toward the end of the playing season, forcing a further drop of the teams already questionable form via a widespread bout of food poisoning.

On top of all this, they are perhaps best known for being Arsenal's hugely unsuccessful arch-nemesis. In over a hundred games against Arsenal, they have managed to beat the so-called Goons an overwhelming total of nil times. This is supposedly a result of fielding their 'world class' players. Of course, this would never have been possible if it wasn't for their former manager, Harry 'Bacon Face' Redknapp - which is exactly why he was eventually replaced by Portuguese tramp and former gay porn star/prostitute Andreas Feather-Boa.

History

Ardiles 468x646

They did have a good player once, but well... He was Argentinian, wasn't he?

Tottenham are renowned for having tonnes of background history, largely due to the fact that they have entered a combined total of 87 and a half European and domestic competitions and come out successful in absolutely none of them whatsoever.

It is said that Spurs were founded as far back as Biblical Times - in the days when football was but a mere word to some. The exact date of their creation remains unknown - however, it is widely speculated that they were formed on Day 7, when God decided that he had nothing else better to do. He soon lived to regret this. (Well, he would, wouldn't he? He's God.)

In 1961 (several years before the invention of the goal posts), Tottenham somehow managed to complete the English League and Cup double. This lead to the routine flogging of their fans with whips, chains and other pervert paraphernalia in order to preserve the intangible memory. This practice remains a common activity at the Lane today, continued by the current club owners and performed before every league match. No wonder everyone abandons the game before half time.

Tottenham Hotspur were often referred to as 'Totteringham Hotspuds' between 1993 and 1997, due to a cynical two-pronged marketing ploy. The first 'prong' was the incorporation of their best player, Edward P. Sheringham's name into the club's title in what was eventually considered an unsuccessful effort to convince the masses that the team were far better than they actually were. The second change was made as an attempt to increase attendances by attracting fans of potato-based food-stuffs to matches. The ploy failed due to a breakdown of communication with the catering staff, and potato addicts shunned the club when they discovered no traces of potato in the club's food menus whatsoever - save for the horsemeat laden Cornish pasties (which were only 12% potato in the first place).

Tottenham never quite managed to recover from this terrible mistake, and have ever since been cursed to finish mid table year upon year. Despite a ground-breaking victory in the Carling Cup (which, let's face it, no-one really gave a toss about in the first place), Tottenham's form in recent times has dropped, somewhat. There doesn't seem to be a winning mentality within the players any longer. Losing seems to be a daily routine for the once vaguely successful Hotspuds. Of course, another one of these routines is sustaining third place practically all season before gifting Champions League qualification to the Gooners. It seems to be becoming far more than just a habit.

Spurs fans are notorious amongst others, partly due to the many exploits of the sun itself - it's blinding white light has been known to convince supporters that their team plays beautiful football that could almost be a match for their far more illustrious neighbours in red. Sadly, 'Spurs Syndrome', the illusion of grandeur, has been magnified ever further of late, by their team having had their best season in half a decade and still managing to finish below The Arsenal.

Current Manager & Squad

Tottenham’s current manager is perhaps best known for completely fucking up at Chelsea and losing 3-1 to a bunch of Italian gimps with down syndrome.

Andre Villas-Boas - or Andreas Feather-Boa, as he has become known across Europe - is a former Portuguese tramp who first emigrated to the UK in 2003 at the age of five, on the run from a crew of cockney bandits whom it is said his mother once accidentally sold a dodgy pie to. He spent much of his early years in England selling himself to middle-aged women on the streets of London, as well as taking part in numerous porn shows and erotic mini-films.

He seems to have not quite given up on his old habits just yet, as he is seen to have an unfortunate habit of rubbing his own cock in celebration every time his team scores.

As mentioned above, he has previously managed at Chelsea FC, where he almost got them relegated and was sacked after just nine months - a new Chelsea record for longest period in charge. Some pundits, including Alan Hansen - the typical git - have made publicly aware of their concern that Villas-Boas is too young to be leading a team of the supposed quality of Chelsea (WTF???).

Most members of the Spurs faithful consider him to be a relative success, as he appears to be steering Tottenham away from the relegation zone. But this is in fact completely unfounded and untrue, as AVB has actually delved into the mastery of the dark arts, making public of his approval of the use of a large variety of Venezuelan voodoo dolls to get his team to where they are today.

AVB' s methods of team motivation are often questioned by the media, however his players adore being allowed to get away with playing FIFA 09 all day instead of participating in training sessions like everyone else, as they believe it shows them how well they could perform regularly. However, a side-effect of this is that it apparently tends to over-excite the squad, as they then seem to think that there is actually the possibility of them one day qualifying for the Champions League - which is, of course, utterly impossible.

Their fans aren't much better either, but they're all inbreds, druggies and/or Welsh so no-one gives a toss. They also have an incredibly frustrating habit of giving profane nicknames to every one of their managers. This is possibly the reason Spurs have been shit for the best part of fifty years.

Either that or because every one of their managers since then have all been proven rabid Arsenal supporters.

Focusing on a different subject altogether, most players were overjoyed at the dismissal of manager Redknapp. Star winger Gareth Bale was even [supposedly] quoted by Sky Sports Football as stating, "Personally I'm glad to see the back of the old tit. Ur... Never liked him anyway... Um... Sometimes he would threaten to eat whoever played well on the pitch... All cos he never wanted the fucking England job, y'see..." Then again, it was Sky Sports.

One player who was distraught over Harry's sacking was Croatian midfielder and Gail Platt lookalike Luka Modric. It had been hinted by the pair that they had both been in a secret gay relationship ever since January 2009.

Redknapp, having evaded the England position for now, currently manages at In The Shit relegation-threatened side Queens Park Rangers.


FIRST TEAM

Goalkeepers

  1. 1 - Heurelho Gomes. Bwahahahahahaha...
  2. 24 - Brad Friedel. It is believed that the American is older than time itself.
  3. 25 - Hugo Lloris. As skinny as a French fry, and twice as greasy.

Defenders

  1. 2 - Kyle Walker. Has an annoying habit of getting horny over the opposition's 'attackers'.
  2. 3 - Danny Rose. The next Ashley Cole. Which makes him indefinitely an utter prick.
  3. 4 - Younes Kaboul. So good he is often picked for the Under-21s side. Spends the majority of his frail existence on the bench.
  4. 5 - Jan Vertonghen. Belgian and has scored more goals than any of our strikers this season.
  5. 6 - Vlad Chiriches. Nope, doesn't ring any bells...
  6. 16 - Kyle Naughton. Can play in any position on the pitch, however is shite in every one of them.
  7. 20 - Michael Dawson. Tottenham's best defender. No wonder AVB tried to sell him last August.
  8. 35 - Zeki Fryers. Zeki sounds like some kind of illegal drug. "Hey, Jimmy, pass us the Zeki would you?" Of course, this scenario is impossible, as Spurs fans are all totally illiterate.

Midfielders

  1. 7 - Aaron Lennon. Is only 25 but has been playing for Tottenham for over forty years.
  2. 11 - Erik Lamela. In real life, Tottenham would never be able to afford this guy. It's a good job we're all living in one messed-up, non-existant, FIFA-like reality, then.
  3. 14 - Lewis Holtby. This guy belongs in a boy band. Seriously, he looks just like the camp one from One Direction.
  4. 17 - Andros Townsend. Scored a goal once. That's about it.
  5. 19 - Mousa Dembele. Was better off at Fulham. Mediocre at best.
  6. 21 - Nacer Chadli. Nice first name ya got there, pal...
  7. 22 - Gylfi Sigurdsson. Scored two goals, now is regarded by Spurs fans as the greatest player at the club since Hoddle (who was shite).
  8. 23 - Christian Eriksen. Is destined to leave for Real Madrid in four years time for a ridiculous fee of 30 million pounds.
  9. 30 - Sandro. Has been convicted of child sex abuse on about fifty-eight seperate occasions. The beard didn't help.

Forwards

  1. 9 - Roberto Soldado. Jesus, how they convinced this guy to join I don't think we'll ever know.
  2. 10 - Emmanuel Adebayor. Loathed by practically everyone, including everyone.
  3. 18 - Jermain Defoe. Mostly an impact sub - if you know what I mean.

Notable Others

  1. 11 - Gareth Bale. But nobody talks about him any more.

Success

Henryspurs

Tony Parker. Named in 1983-Present as sexiest man alive.

Not being a generally successful team, Spurs made a huge thing of the time they won the 1999 Irn-Bru Cup with a late overtime winner from Danish milkman Allan Nielsen. The opposing manager, Martin O'Neill, was devastated, and departed to lead his camp, bipolar pixie clan to world domination (current stop: Grimsby), whilst Spurs celebrated a random and rare trophy win. To celebrate, Sir Alan Sugar (owner of Tate and Lyle and Silver Spoon) took the squad on a week long break to San Antonio, Texas, where he used the time as a cunning ploy to fire players he didn't approve of. The Apprentice was born.

Fortunately, German death metal legend and part-time dentist Steffen Freund survived the mass cull. As did his mullet, which is currently on display at the British Museum.

Since then, 'success' has been a word rarely heard by Apprentice and Tottenham fans alike. In fact, times have gotten so desperate of late that fans have resorted to celebrating over losses to teams such as Inter Milan - a 4-3 defeat in Italy considered by many to be the best result in the club's entire history.

Perhaps because of this it is agreed amongst supporters that the 2011-12 season saw Spurs get off to their best Premier League start of all time. They lost their opening match 3-0 at Old Trafford before slipping to a narrow 5-1 defeat against Manchester City at White Hart Lane.

Their season continued to impress pundits, and it continued to reach an all-time high of not being able to qualify for the second round of the Europa League. Redknapp' s only reaction following a 2-1 home defeat to Greek bastards PAOK Salonika was, "Jesus Christ!" - causing several religious fans to assume that Harry was in fact the Messiah, having returned from the afterlife in human/sausage roll form. It is well worth noting that the South Londoner was heavily drunk on Vodka at the time.

Redknapp has recently been replaced at last by André Villas-Boas as manager. He is many, many, many, many, many, many years younger than Redknapp - which in fairness is no difficult feat.

So far Villas-Boas has proved to be only minorly better than Old Uncle Harry - in the respect that he doesn't require subtitles when conversing with the press. Now there's something that should be considered a success in its own right.

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Also Ran Aston Villa | Tottenham Hotspur | West Ham | Fulham F.C. | Greys Athletic F.C. | Bolton Wanderers | Everton | Sunderland AFC | Pompeii F.C.
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