Tottenham Hotspur

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Tottenham Hotspur
160px
Super Spurs
Founded Day 7
Ground White Hart Lane, London
Manager Harry "Fanny Face" I kidnapped Houdini"
Chairman Daniel Levy
League Barclays Premier League

In the 100 years of the FA Premier League's existence, it has been empirically proven that Tottenham Hotspur cannot complete a league season above a position of fourth. They have won the champions league for an outstanding 0 times. Some believe that this is due to the fact that a previous coach, Dutchman Martin Jol and dietitian Gus Pubehead Davidson, insisted that the team were fed a diet of Asda own-brand Lasagne, which is of questionable quality but very good value for money. It is thought that due to budget constraints, old pieces of lasagne are reheated at mealtimes towards the end of the playing season, forcing a further drop of the teams already questionable form via a widespread bout of food poisoning. And on top of all this, they are well known for being Arsenal's unsuccessful nemesis. Out of a hundred games against Arsenal, they have managed to beat Arsenal a total of 0 times, by using their world class players. Of course, this wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for their manager, Harry "Bacon Face" Redknapp. Here is his life in 3 sentences:


Tottenham's current manager "Bacon Face" is an Fat Inglish froo an froo, he motivates his players by throwing darts at their testicles. Little is known of the actual origins of "Bacon Face". A simple man, 'Cunt' as he is sometimes referred, suffers from severe Downs Syndrome and regularly lashes out at players according to race or creed.

History

Ardiles 468x646

They did have a good player once, but well... He was Argentinian wasn't he.

Fortunately Tottenham have loads of history because they're the best. Their history goes back further than 1990 which is when scum fans believe football was invented.

In 1961 Tottenham completed the English League and Cup double and routinely flog their fans with whips, chains and other pervert paraphernalia in order to preserve the intangible memory.

Tottenham Hotspur were known as Totteringham Hotspuds between 1993 and 1997 due to a cynical two-pronged marketing ploy. The first 'prong' was the incorporation of their best player Edward P. Sheringham's name into the team's name in an effort to convince the masses that the team were better than they actually were. The second change was made as an attempt to increase attendances by attracting fans of potato-based food-stuffs to matches. The ploy failed due to a breakdown of communication with the catering staff, and potato fans shunned the club when they found no traces of potato on the club's food menus, save for the Cornish pasties (which were only 12% potato).

Tottenham never quite managed to recover from this terrible mistake and have ever since been cursed to be stuck mid table. Despite a ground-breaking victory in the Carling Cup, Tottenham's recent form has dropped, somewhat. There doesn't seem to be a winning mentality within the players. Losing seems to be a daily routine for the hotspuds. Of course, one of these routines is losing to Arsenal every time.

Spurs fans are notorious, partly due to the Sun, for believing that their team plays beautiful football that could match their more illustrious neighbours. Sadly, 'Spurs Syndrome', the illusion of grandeur, has been magnified by their team having their best season for 50 years and still finishing below The Arsenal.

Current Manager

Redknapp harry

Harry "Bacon Fanny Face" I Kidnapped Houdini after smoking a joint and sniffin coke.

Tottenham’s current manager is Harry Redknapp, a.k.a. Bacon Face, the father of Ron Weasley from the famous Harry Potter film. HE loves touching his cock, he also likes to go "beep, beep, vrroom, vrroom" every time he sees a motor car. Most people feel he is a good manager as he seems to be steering Tottenham away from the relegation zone. But this fact is unfounded and untrue as Harry actually used the dark arts, throwing darts at players testicles, and a large variety of voodoo dolls to get his team to where they are today. Harry likes to motivate his team by showing them how good they COULD be by letting them play FIFA 09 in their training sessions. This tends to over excite the squad as they then seem to think they could actually win the league and qualify for a spot in the champs league. Their fans aren't much better, but they're all inbreds and/or Welsh so no-one cares.

Some players have been heard talking about how frightened they are of "Harry I kidnapped Houdini" as he often threatens to eat whoever does not perform well on the pitch. Apart from ensuring that his pubic hairs are as blue as the hairs on his bum, Harry also enjoys bribing officials and reading "How to manage a mediocre football club for dummies". It is also said that Harry is trying to outlaw the fans stadium gangbangs as it distracts and excites his players and he also feels it is unfair as he cannot join in the fun. Harry is also likened to quagmire off of familyguy with his head swaying motion and the words gigitty gigitty coming from his mouth. Some call Harry Redknapp a wrinkled old dog and laugh at the fact that he has a eye half closed.

Harry Redknapp's stated aim at Spurs is to win the FA Cup, in order that he may then move to Blackburn and complete his hattrick of winning the FA Cup with teams who have been officially designated as "In The Shit" by the FA. At that point, under rule 36 Gamma in the official FA Rulebook, he may then rename the FA Cup to the Harry Redknapp Cup and have his face painted on it.

He will also soon leave Spurs in millions of debt as he does with every other club, and will then go on to be the Managing Director of Pukka Pies, since he stores so many in his cheeks. Harry is also a violent criminal and insists on tapping player on the arse if he would like to sign them./

Success

Henryspurs

Fuckingham Shitspurs hate this guy.

Not being a generally successful team, the Spurs made a big thing of the time they won the 1999 Irn-Bru Cup with a late overtime winner from Danish milkman Allan Nielsen. The opposing manager, Martin O'Neill, was devastated and left to lead his pixie clan to world domination (current stop: Grimsby), whilst Spurs celebrated a random and rare trophy win. To celebrate, Sir Alan Sugar (owner of Tate and Lyle and Silver Spoon) took the team on a week long break to San Antonio, Texas, where he used the time as a cunning ploy to fire players he didn't like. The Apprentice was born.

Fortunately, German death metal legend and part time dentist Steffen Freund survived the mass cull. As did his mullet, which is currently on display at the British Museum.

During the 10/11 season, Spurs are widely expected to win the Premier League, FA Cup, Carling Cup, UEFA Cup, Champions League, Copa Libertadores, Copa del Rei, Spanish Premiership, the Bundesliga title and the Italian championship, but will in all likliehood simply 'nearly' win them all because they will not have enough players due to "food Poisening" they will then drug the other team and pay the ref 1000 pies. This summer, the Spurs team, disguised as Spaniards, won the World Cup. However, some spurs players like Van Der Vaart decided to become a runner up with the Netherlands.

The 2011-12 season saw Spurs get their best start to a season with a 3-0 loss and a 5-1 loss. They stated after the latter game that 'the title was in our grasp, because we have the biggest morons in Michael Dawson (who?) and Gareth Bale (??).'

Their season continued to impress pundits and it reached an all-time high of not qualifying for the second round of the Europa League. Redknapp, after chugging a whole botle of Glen's vodka in the middle of the game, said, 'Ma lads 'ave put in their every bit of sperm left in 'em. Proud ov da lads.' Subsequently, he hit The King's Head for another couple of pints.

They somehow got Thierry Henry to sign for them (see left).

Harry Redknapps first act as manager was to buy back all of the English players that Ramos sold. Even the Spurs fans did not like the idea. When asked why he did it his only response was "Cor Blimey Guvnor Apples and Pears me old china?"

They managed to win the Carling Cup and as a special celebration all the fans ejaculated onto the Wembley pitch and forced the Chelsea players to lick it off. Also they raped Cashley after the match which he enjoyed. Unfortunately, the Arsenal team were watching and they enjoyed watching Cashley and the Chelski boys licking up the "lily white" fluids and because of this Wenger is now interested in the whole Chelski team.

They recently managed to hold Le scum to a 4-4 draw at Arsenal's homeground in Lorraine when David Bentlissimo, a superior version of a failed former Blackburn player scored from 3 point land deep into injury time when Le scum were 8-1 up. To buy the DVD of the "win" go the official Spurs website: www.tottenhamhotspur.com. In another famous game, they incredibly and valiantly held on for over 30 minutes at the Emirates Stadium. This is seen as an incredible triumph in the eyes of their manager. The first 30 minutes is available on blu ray and dvd.3-2 3-2 3-2 3-2.

They have supporters such as gus davidson, a dick who has pubes on his head. He calls himself a spurs fan but this is clearly not true. To be truthful spurs are the best team in the world.

Traits of a Spurs fan: -Wake up everyday of their lives wondering why they didn't support Arsenal -Have a maximum IQ of 45.

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Also Ran Aston Villa | Tottenham Hotspur | West Ham | Fulham F.C. | Greys Athletic F.C. | Bolton Wanderers | Everton | Sunderland AFC | Pompeii F.C.
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