Totally Torah: Genesis

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“I’ve never read the Bible but I’ve heard it’s a Good Book. ”


“Bronze Age myth to live your life by. ”
~ Jesus on His Dad's novel.


Want to lead a pious life but finding it hard?

Too many holy Joes at Synagogue?

Too little time to read the Bible?

Adam-and-Eve-Garden

The original temptress, Eve, is thought to have invented the pubic blue-rinse.

No problem, Isaac Asimov’s Abridged classics brings you:

“Totally Torah – a ten minute guide to God’s Word."

Genesis.

Chapters 1-11

• Bored God creates world full of animals.

• Creates zoo-keeper to muck-out Eden.

• Congratulates Himself on ‘Good’ job.


• Zoo-keeper bored.

• Eve created - Earth adopts a child-friendly tax regime.

• Refusal of three-way leads to snake tempting Eve to sample ‘forbidden fruit’ God has ‘forgotten’ not to create.

Noahs ark 1

"Turn left at the next tsunami".

• Eve denied medical attention at Eden General Infirmary; fails to enjoy home birth.


Cain and Abel born.

God plays favourites leading to sibling rivalry.

• Seth born as replacement-Abel.


Human race grows through unexplained incest.

• God surprised when inbreeds misbehave.

• Mass-drowning programme begins following production of lifeboat.


Noah surprised when dove-nav leads to mountain-crash.

Kids move out as Noah takes to drink and naturism.

• Over-confidence in construction industry leads to destruction of Tower of Babel.

Chapters 11-25

Smurfsss

Under the kindly guidance of 'Father Abraham', the Canaanites prospered.

Garrison

The garisson of Sodom took a keen interest in manly action other than fighting.

• Abram born, emigrates to Canaan then Egypt.

• Unsettled family leads to return to Canaan.

• Abram's army conquers city when Sodom-ite garrison seem strangely unwarlike.


• Sara's infertility treatment unsuccessful. Surrogacy attempted.

• Legal wrangle over Ishmael’s guardianship settled with birth of Isaac.

• Abram and Sara change names to Father Abraham and Sarah for tax purposes.


• Urban regeneration of Sodom and Gomorrah. Fire and Brimstone initially unpopular.

• Lot seeks quieter life in suburbs.

• Lot's wife becomes pillar of community.


• Abraham investigated for attempted infanticide.

Abraham dies following Isaac’s shock engagement to mail-order bride, Rebekah

Chapters 25-50

Wolfboy

Esau's special needs gave him an advantage in tracking prey animals through wooded land.

• Rebekah gives birth to non-identical twins.

Wolf-boy, Esau, becomes hunter.

• Smooth but devious brother, Jacob, engineers leveraged buy out of family business with mess of pottage.

• Isaac blesses younger son, Jacob, seduced by offer of fur-coat.


• Jacob flees to Uncle Remus house. Records ‘Stairway to heaven’ en route.

• Jacob attempts marriage with Cousin Rachel. Fat, older sister intervenes.

• Chubby-chasing Jacob sets up world’s first Mormon commune and begins enthusiastic breeding with both sisters and maids.


• Jacob plans reconciliation with wolf-man brother. Returns to Canaan.

I'll be back

And Joseph stood before the Canaanites saying, "I'll be back".

• Becomes WWF champion of Israel following defeat of Jabbok in “all night, man on man wrestling” competition.

Rape of Dinah punished with genital mutilation of Edomites.

• Sentence re-view leads to imposition of capital punishment.


• Pretty-boy Joseph sold to Egyptian nonce.

• Becomes Prophet following Mushroom-trip; hoards food following attack of ‘munchies’.

• Joseph’s brothers seek food-stamps; fail to recognise Joseph due to extensive tattooing and piercings.


• Joseph frames youngest brother, Benny the Ball.

• Family rapprochement, Canaanites emigrate to Egypt to avoid pogrom.

• Joseph dies, promising that the Canaanites will return to their homeland one day.

See Also

Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers.

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