Totally Torah: Genesis
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“I’ve never read the Bible but I’ve heard it’s a Good Book. ”
“Bronze Age myth to live your life by. ”
Want to lead a pious life but finding it hard?
Too many holy Joes at Synagogue?
Too little time to read the Bible?
No problem, Isaac Asimov’s Abridged classics brings you:
“Totally Torah – a ten minute guide to God’s Word."
edit Chapters 1-11
• Congratulates Himself on ‘Good’ job.
• Zoo-keeper bored.
• Eve created - Earth adopts a child-friendly tax regime.
• Eve denied medical attention at Eden General Infirmary; fails to enjoy home birth.
• Cain and Abel born.
• God plays favourites leading to sibling rivalry.
• Seth born as replacement-Abel.
• Human race grows through unexplained incest.
• God surprised when inbreeds misbehave.
• Mass-drowning programme begins following production of lifeboat.
• Over-confidence in construction industry leads to destruction of Tower of Babel.
edit Chapters 11-25
• Abram born, emigrates to Canaan then Egypt.
• Unsettled family leads to return to Canaan.
• Abram's army conquers city when Sodom-ite garrison seem strangely unwarlike.
• Sara's infertility treatment unsuccessful. Surrogacy attempted.
• Legal wrangle over Ishmael’s guardianship settled with birth of Isaac.
• Abram and Sara change names to Father Abraham and Sarah for tax purposes.
• Urban regeneration of Sodom and Gomorrah. Fire and Brimstone initially unpopular.
• Lot seeks quieter life in suburbs.
• Lot's wife becomes pillar of community.
• Abraham investigated for attempted infanticide.
• Abraham dies following Isaac’s shock engagement to mail-order bride, Rebekah
edit Chapters 25-50
• Rebekah gives birth to non-identical twins.
• Isaac blesses younger son, Jacob, seduced by offer of fur-coat.
• Jacob flees to Uncle Remus house. Records ‘Stairway to heaven’ en route.
• Sentence re-view leads to imposition of capital punishment.
• Pretty-boy Joseph sold to Egyptian nonce.
• Joseph’s brothers seek food-stamps; fail to recognise Joseph due to extensive tattooing and piercings.
• Joseph frames youngest brother, Benny the Ball.
• Family rapprochement, Canaanites emigrate to Egypt to avoid pogrom.
• Joseph dies, promising that the Canaanites will return to their homeland one day.