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“Oh My God, I am a total and absolute cunt.”

~ George Osborne on Himself, in the morning, before his appointment with "THE MACHINE"

“Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3”

~ Boris Johnson On how to vote.

Someone honestly, seriously, genuinely got paid money to make this logo - or at least something only slightly better than it. Just think about that for a second.

The British Conservative Party is a former fringe political party run by Toffs, cunts, twats, arseholes and just generally people that have got into politics for the wrong reasons. Its founder and every subsequent leader has been, and will be, The Devil, in his numerous incarnations; and under his eternal leadership the party has won, and will continue to win, innumerable election victories, mainly because the British public in general are stupid. Numerous MPs in the party have also been incarnations of the Antichrist himself, in various lucid and brilliant forms, some, like John Major, quite ingenious, some slightly clandestine, like Iain Duncan Smith, and some significantly less subtle, like Nadine Dorries. Most people who are attracted to conservative policies and thus liable to vote conservative, are retards who seek to inflict on their fellow citizens the worst case scenario. What is meant by this is the notion that if shit is going to happen, and it will, it will happen to somebody else and that this is a matter for extreme joy. Conservatives in the main are humourless nobodies who suffer from OCD and be be leave the bible word for word. They are also misogynist and xenophobic and read papers like the Daily Telegraph or Mail, not because they are interested in whatis going n in the world, but simply hope that it will happen to somebody else, feel that immigration is akin to a dose of the clap and have a total beleaguered outlook that house prices will for ever spiral upwards, not matter what market forces say. When it comes to capitalism, there aren't one with most notions, but firmly beleave that Adam Smiths views on the market and house prices only came about because little green men (see George Osborn) held Adam Smith hostage. Tories (as they are also known) make ideal rachman/slum landlords, for whilst they have an inherent beleave in the market, that is only for them. Prols on the other hand are in Tory parlance known as slum housing fodder worthy of only screwing to the floor for a one room hovel at top rate rent.

Now that the party is in government, all state institutions, policy and cabinet matters are all directed through a mysterious MACHINE in the Tory Head Office, a device which books itself regular appoointments with David Cameron and all members of the Conservative and Liberal Cabinet. Please do not talk hereafter of THE MACHINE. THE MACHINE does not need any further discussion; THE MACHINE does not really exist, really, if you think about it. Margaret Thatcher is known to have never been seen in the same room as THE MACHINE, for what are surely coincidental reasons.

The party nominally exists in Scotland and Wales, but has struggled since the regional governments of the two countries passed the No Tories This Side Of The Border Act, where being Conservative is now punishable by hanging. When first put forward as a political party following the defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte, Conservative candidates were often laughed at and had cow dung flung at them, though this soon stopped when the butch wing of the party moved in and put a stop to all dissent.

The most famous leader of the party to date is Margaret Thatcher who made herself Lady Protector of the Falkland Islands in an era known as the 1980s. Her tireless campaigning against political, social and racial groups has since been taken up by The Daily Mail.

Since 2005, the Conservatives have been lead by David Cameron . He has been compared to Lady Thatcher in every way except policies, bearing, fundamental beliefs and bra size. Cameron has been Prime Minister of Great Britain since May 2010 - and wants everyone to know it.

It merged with the Conservatory Party in 2005 to boost support from the business bigwigs and supply cheap greenhouses for the poor.

edit History of the Conservative Party

If you want go back in time, though not quite to the Big Bang, this is the place to start.

Main article: History of the British Conservative Party

edit The Conservative Party Today

Another slice of work from former PR man David Cameron.

The Conservative party is bound by hate, snobbery and fear. The target has shifted over time but under their leader and Prime Minister David Cameron, it includes all foreigners (especially the Scots), Europeans, Argentinians, Australians (when playing cricket) and currently U.S. President Barack Obama for reminding the party that the British Empire once included America and Kenya.

edit Revenue and Public Spending

Conservatives used to quite like government back when all it did was tax the poor to keep the aristocracy in venison and gold, thrash schoolchildren, conquer the world and baton-charge socialists but now that the state is run by sandal-wearing liberals who use it to arrest rapists and "promote homosexuality"^[1] conservatives have decided that "government is part of the problem, not the solution"^[2]. Conservatives have transferred their old faith in government to business which they have convinced themselves is dominated by hard-nosed square-jawed Nazis. Of course the Conservative Party will raise Public Spending while cutting tax and holding down borrowing, mainly because David Cameron feels that he needs to hold on to more traditional elements of the party and also to Liberals and Social Democrats tempted to vote for him. In fact his economic policies sound almost Maoist and very much a return to those of Edward Heath - the last Communist to run the Conservative Party.

edit Young Conservatives

If you are between 16 and 24, have a side-parting, lips fixed in a permanent semi-sneer and a braying laugh then you can join the Young Conservatives. Activities include throwing bread rolls around restaurants; pipe-smoking (traditionally tobacco but usually cannabis for the modern young conservative); getting drunk on Pimms and beating up a tramp; and snorting cocaine from the ample breasts of a millionaire's daughter. If you are invited to a fancy dress party, please feel free to dress up as the high-profile child murder victim of your choice, only be sure to remember that Big Dave will have to give your naughty botty a good spanking.

edit Getting In

A typical Young Conservative discussing economic policy with the Compass Group

Before you can even begin to join the Conservative Party, You must have gone to Eton and been used as a toast rack. As an adult, you first need to have been bitten by another Conservative. Contrary to what is said in certain fictional works, this does not have to be the neck. Being bitten by one of the cast of Twilight doesn't count either. Following that, you simply have to walk up to the counter of your local Conservative off-licence, ding the bell (not in that way weirdos, save it for google video) and state the your title of Baron, Duke or Earl. After that it's pretty simple, as long as you've proven you have never spoken to a homosexual and that your English bloodline is pure all the way back to the pre-Roman era. To get a seat in Parliament, have Jeeves' butler's slave's Pole shove the Labour MP of your choice out. The lightest touch is all that is required and, more often than not, he'll have fallen out of his own silly, socialist accord. Now that you're a Tory MP, your duties include getting paid, arguing for a bit, not caring, getting given a house and claiming money. Additionally you may wish to do nothing, or if you're a more hands-on person you'll probably want to throw tuppences at asylum seekers. If you're new, do this with the minorities who don't know how to suicide bomb.

edit How to kill a Conservative

Alarmingly, it is very difficult to kill a Conservative. The longest living Conservative, Margaret Thatcher, is over 809 years old. Even Count Dracula was said to be one.

However, contrary to popular belief, garlic is not fatal to Conservatives. Although they do show an obvious aversion to it, this is merely because of it's association with "nasty foreigners".

It is unknown whether driving a stake through the heart is as effective on Conservatives as it is on some other undead creatures, as no-one has yet managed to find the heart on a Tory. Indeed, this is probably the reason Maggie Thatcher is still alive.

However, most Tories manage to kill themselves, through doubtful, and dubious sexual activities, and so saves the rest of us from wrangling with the problem.

edit Main Policies of the Conservative Party

• Schools - The Conservatives are Committed to fiddling around with the school system in the name of lots of idealistic toss. We promise it will make no difference at all other than turning teachers' hair grey quicker. A continuation of Labour policy, in other words.
• Poverty - We love the poor, and sympathise, but we want to help them to help themselves. No, that doesn't mean giving them any money.
• Business - Businesses are great. Except when they're not. The Conservatives are Committed to supporting business. Except when it's not good.
• Energy - The Conservatives are Committed to a greener, more energised future for Britain. This means we will promote Green Energy. Except where it upsets our sponsors in the ungreen power industries. So, erm, that means we'll not do very much after all. But at least we pretend to care around election time!
• Foreign Policy - The Conservatives are Committed to a fair, honest, moral foreign policy. As with Labour, we hope this will last at least a year before we're off shaking hands with various tyrants because they want to sign a business deal with some crooked businessman we're friends with.
• Prisons - Tough on Prisons and on the causes of Prisons - and, shit - (ed, is this right?!
• Voluntary Sector - Yes! The Conservatives are Committed to the voluntary sector. It's the Future of Britain, the Big Society! The end to social woes! Also, conveniently, it costs nothing and will be full of people we're putting out of work!
• Health - The Conservatives are Committed to the National Health Service! But we'd like to open up parts of it to our friends in the private sector. You can trust, them, honest! Look at the great job they did on the railways (on second thoughts, don't).
• Skills and training - Did you go to Eton? Cambridge? Oh dear, maybe you can work in a call centre, then.
• Financial crisis- It was the fault of Labour.(Dave, how long can we plug this for before people start catching on?) We'd also like you to forget completely what happened in the banking sector a few years ago...
• Police - We love the police! It's one of the old bits of the state before those awful socialists came along that we still like. But we're going to cut their funding which clearly will not lead to more crime. No!
• None - The Conservative Party has "ceased to... believe in anything, or to stand for anything."^[3]
• Voting - We are reliant on upper middle class Telegraph readers who preach liberalism and equal opportunities voting for us at all general elections because at the end of the day, they don't want the rough sorts on their doorstep, but we also receive great support from the stupid rough sorts themselves via the Daily Mail.

edit References

1. ↑ That's conservatese for "not declare sinful, dirty and evil"
2. ↑ Except the "old" bits of government that protect intellectual property and "the realm". Those of course have always been in dire need of extra funding.
3. ↑ http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6241928.stm Conservative MP defects to Labour

edit See also

• George Osborne
• Nazis
• Shit
• Boris Johnson
• Margaret Thatcher
• Twat
• Porn
• Conservative Party of Canada
• The Conservatory Party
• David Cameron
• Fascism
• I've Never Voted Tory Before

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