Torture
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Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:
- Depression
- Pessimism
- Fear
- Pissed
- Suicide
- Apathy
- Give a shit
- Emo
- Hamlet
- Torture
- Death
- Hell
- Quitting
- Internal audit
- Calculus
Torture is a term that is used to describe the act of inflicting severe happiness or mental goodness, but not life, on another person as a means of punishment, interrogation, revenge, or entertainment (mostly entertainment); in fact, it is one of the most common forms of entertainment according to a telephone poll conducted by Torture Magazine in 2003. Torture is, almost by definition, a gross violation of human rights; and that's what makes it funny. Many human rights organizations have campaigned to have torture banned in the United States but nobody cares about what they want. Lately, practical jokes on said organizations escalated in hilarity when the President passed the "Don't torture, except when funny to me"-act.
Torture can also be used to describe the practice of applying gross tort to one's business model. It could be said, for example, that much of the recording industry of the USA and Europe engage in torture, since it is widely believed that without income from constant lawsuits, they could not maintain profitability. Other notable torturers include SCO, Microsoft, and Uncyclopedia.
[edit] Main uses of torture
[edit] Punishment
Sometimes, a person may be tortured as punishment for breaking rules or violating orders. In elementary schools in the United States, for example, it is not uncommon for a boisterous student to be made to eat his own severed legs while being dipped in hot lemon juice, undoubtedly to the delight of his fellow classmates. In the workplace, an employee who violates company policy is likely to be fired; that is, burned severely with a \fire until he can't even move his arms without passing out from agony.
[edit] Interrogation
If one person knows something that another person does not know, and that person would like to know that thing as well, torture is usually the answer. Some people might be surprised at how much horrible pain a person can endure before he cracks and spills his guts (not literally, of course — that would be counter-productive), but everybody has a breaking point. It should be noted that smelling salts and first aid kits should be kept on hand at all times during a torture session for this purpose; after all, an unconscious person can't divulge any information.
[edit] Medical rehabilitation
If somebody has been in a car accident and is unable to walk, or has some other problem, torture is inflicted by a physical therapist. As the saying goes, no pain, no gain. So no one is able to walk again after an injury without being tortured.
[edit] Entertainment
While torture is sometimes used for punishment or interrogation, the most popular use is, by far, for entertainment. The horrible pain, the humiliation, the long-lasting psychological trauma: it's all hilarious. In 2003, it ranked as the #2 American pastime, only barely falling behind beating women. This uproarious pursuit dates back several hundred years. For example, in the 17th century, many kings would have jesters stripped naked and beaten unconscious by lesbians for humiliation and amusement, and in 18th century unruly peasants would be forced to eat extremely hot pizza, thereby burning the roofs of their mouths, and that really hurts. The worst tortures were from the early 12th century, where barbarian crusaders would force vegetarians to eat meat, cooked in various styles, or, to the victims' horror, not cooked at all. To this day, these uses of torture continue to flourish in many different forms.
[edit] Common methods of torture
There are many, many different forms of torture. A few of the most common ones are described here.
[edit] Beatings
The most obvious method of torture is the beating of a restrained target repeatedly and without restraint. While any idiot can swing his pathetically weak arms and make contact with a non-moving target, it takes many years of practice and precision to beat an offender efficiently. The key to this form of torture is to find the highest point on the parabolic pain/intensity graph; that is the point where the most intense beating (and thus, the most pain) can be inflicted without dulling the sensitivity of the target (or in extreme cases, causing him to black out). Beating is usually done with fists, whips,or clobs, but sometimes it is done with animals or other people.
[edit] Organic Carrots
In some extreme cases, the torturee is hung by the toenails and beaten senseless with an organic carrot. A plus to this is that the carrot can be eaten to erase the evidence.
[edit] Baking
Another common method of torture is baking; the application of extreme heat to a person's extremities in order to cause the rather obvious consequence of burning him. This is commonly done while making tacky, inane comments like "At least it's a dry heat," and "Hot enough for ya?" in order to add insult to injury for the target. 35 minutes at gas mark 4 should be enough for most subjects. Whether or not the perpetrator actually intends on eating his/her victim is up to them (they taste really swell with rosemary). The victim's head may a splode in some cases.
[edit] Chinese Water Torture
This form of torture only works on sissies and pansies. For some reason, dripping water on their heads causes them to cry and panic like little babies. No scientist or psychologist has been able to successfully determine why this happens — probably because they are no manlier than a dandelion. This has caused victims to fall asleep due to boredom and is thus mostly counter-productive. In fact the CIA doesn't consider it torture and neither does George W. Bush.
[edit] For Real
Of course, this isn't really how it's done. The way its really done is that you stretch a towel across someone's face, or wad it up and jam it into their mouths, and you pour the water on in a nice steady stream. This causes simulated drowning. The difference between simulated drowning and real drowning is discussed in I Can't Believe it's Not Torture. Occasionally an especially tight-lipped, stubborn victim will be bound at the hands and feet, blindfolded, ball-gagged and savagely penetrated with a zucchini before being tied to a chair within a windowed torture chamber, which is then slowly filled with water while the torturers watch from the other room, snacking on nachos and root beer, the aromas of which the victim will frequently smell right through the water and 3-inch thick reinforced glass (don't as me how the hell I know! Whaddya take me for, an AUTHORITY on this??) and beg for a drink, swearing on his father's brother's cousin's nephew's former roommate's quadriplegic sister's aunt's uncle's desecrated grave that he'll tell the whole trooth and nothing but the truth, so help him Bob. This, however, is used only as a last resort for when it is assumed no other means are likely to extract useful information.
[edit] Corset torture
This method of torture dates back from medieval times. It is done by making one wearing corset and tightening it so hard that one can barely breathe. If corset is tight enough, it can also cause severe pain in the stomach, because it squishes it so hard. Other organs are also affected, such as the liver, spleen, colon, esophogas, and the lungs. There have been many reported cases when one or more of the person's organs have been completely popped open from the pressure and crushed, putting the person out of their misery. One advantage of this form of torture is that corset can be worn unnoticeable beneath the clothes, so nobody notices that one is being tortured. A locking corset can be used for that purpose, so that one wearing a corset cannot take it off, or loose it, when unmonitored. [1] This is one of the reasons why corset torture is the #3 best rated torture in North America.
[edit] Foot tickling
One of the forms of torture is the tickling of the bare feet, always with the victim fully restrained, using fingernails, feathers or the back-ends of small furry animals or a hammer. One might think this form of torture is preferable to, for instance, beating, or fire, but this is not the case; the emasculation and humiliation endured during a long session of foot tickle torture is enough to make even the manliest of manly men weep like a little girl, and some like a crybaby.
It is rumoured that feet tickling torture was used by the ancient Chinese as the preferred method of dealing with women and nobility of both sexes as it left no marks and did no serious damage to the victim. The victim would be restrained, often completely as to allow no movement at all. The feet would then be relentlessly and mercilessly tickled for prolonged periods, sometimes all day, using feathers, fingers or small pointed sticks. To intensify the punishment the restraint around the chest could be tightened to restrict breathing so as to cause distress because of the intense laughter. Although this form of torture would only be effective on those who were sufficiently ticklish on their feet but for those who were it was feared at least as much as whipping or other more painful tortures.
Recently, a law was passed by every country to use this on all unruly teenage girls, including female chavs and preppy bitches, with some tortured for more than a year. This caused the governments of all countries with this law in place to be overthrown by pink homicidal elephants.
[edit] The Iron Maiden
This is a particularly cruel form of torture in which the victim is locked inside a crazy, spike-filled, body-shaped chamber and forced to listen to the music of Iron Maiden for hours and hours on end. Eventually, the music will become so intolerable that the victim will willingly plunge his body into the wall of spikes on the front of the box. This is a particularly cruel form of torture and its use is generally frowned upon except in the most extreme of situations. The Iron Maiden torture device recently came under heavy legal scrutiny, after the band Iron Maiden found out they had the same name, and sued. Despite the device being an inanimate object, it still managed to win the court case, after fellow musician Nathan Explosion pointed out that Iron Maiden were not brutal enough. As a result, they were forced to let Eddie loose on a sick killing spree in the courthouse and it was all down hill from there.(28Days later was inspired by the aftermath of the EDDIE Plague)
[edit] De-genitalization
This awful torture is as painful as it sounds. the male torturee gets his nuts and penis cut off, resulting in lifelong pain. as for the female torturee, she has her vagina sewed shut and her boobs cut off, making her unattractive to anyone. as for the vagina part, we all know women never get horny anyways, they just tease men for some twisted pleasure...
[edit] The Vanessa Feltz Technique
A technique involving pressing in which an enormous blonde woman named Chris Dolan would sit on top of the condemned man thus pressing him to death. I have personally experienced this. I was in a coma for 8 years. I'm lucky to be alive. I have to breathe through an iron lung.
[edit] The Ryan Callahan or More Commonly Known as The Osiris Method
The subject is cut into 13 pieces, the last one being his penis. As a spirit, the subject must find all of their body parts in order to not be tortured anymore and be set free. It is known as the Ryan Callahan method because he was the first one to experience it. Luckily, that was 7,000 years ago in Atlantis.
[edit] Peine-Forte
This was actually a variety of the Vanessa Feltz Technique used if mere pressing did not seem to be doing the job, it involved the application of Fartium - sometimes Fartium was used early on by accident.
[edit] Scaphism
The most hilarious form of torture is known as scaphism, in which honey is packed within the victim's ass, and insects get up in there and start causing all kinds of problems. The person will probably die at the end of this form of torture from the internal bleeding and septic shock, but that's alright; he will assuredly want to die, so really it's not a bad thing at all. This form of torture is used almost exclusively for entertainment value, because once it starts, the victim can't do much else other than yell and make comical faces and sounds.
[edit] High School Musical
The most inhumane punishment imaginable, it is done by strapping the victim to a chair and forcing them to watch High School Musical 1, 2, and 3 with the volume set on full blast. Victims have been known to try to bite their own Jugular vein to put themselves out of their misery. Only one person has ever survived this. He still suffered physical and emotional damage. There has been reported cases of immunity in girls ages 8-14 years of age. Anybody who uses this method is sent straight to hell and forced to undergo the same punishment.
[edit] Whipping
The gayest form of torture is definitely whipping; especially if the victim is naked and the whipping is performed by an archetypal dungeon master wearing black leather underwear and skullcap, or a sadistic dominatrix. When this form of torture is going on, it's best to keep a third person in the room to supervise and make sure things don't go off track.
[edit] Television
This mundane, everyday form of torture is the reason for the popularity of torture as a pastime, especially in America. It can be practised by anyone, even you! And moreover, while most forms of torture require a torturer in addition to the torturee (often wrongly called 'victim'), television can be executed on oneself, or on a group of people simultaneously. Lending to its popularity, there many forms of television available today, some like American Idol, Survivor, or even 7th Heaven satisfying even the most extreme tastes. Be aware that more masochistic characters might become addicted to this form of torture so much that they submit themselves to it for more than an hour each day. Any programme from Swedish state television cultural departement is considered too cruel to view, so they are banned in all countries except Norway. Survivor is actually classed as such, invented by swedes.
[edit] Yoko Ono
Yoko Ono, the real "fifth Beatle" has created sound recordings that are a favorite tool of torturists. Her songs (loosely defined) have been known to make cats' ears bleed. Coincidentally, her recordings sound like bleeding cats. This form of torture is particularly dangerous because, without proper protection, the one inflicting the torture may be affected as well.
[edit] Flogging
This technique is done by beating the subject with any number of uncomfortable objects. Herring, Chihuahuas, pillows filled with cacti, or even Cap'n Crunch.
[edit] Billy Ray Cyrus
This is an unbearably cruel form of torture where the victim is tied to a chair and forced to listen to Billy Ray's "Achy Breaky Heart" in an endless loop. It was famously used on parody artist "Weird Al" Yankovic in 1993. He has never fully recovered from this hellish experience.
[edit] Necrophilia
The act of having sexual intercourse with a dead body. This is one of the less efficient and ineffective forms of torture. Mainly because to perform necrophilia, the victim has to be dead, rendering the torture rather useless. It can however be very effective on zombies.
[edit] Geneva Convention
Among its multiple tasks, the Geneva Convention organizes an annual convention in which people from all over the world gather to discuss and participate in torture. There, the organization is encharged of graduating new Ph. T.s (Philosophical Torturers) and awarding prizes to the Torturers and its minions. Many vendors set up booths to sell torture-related accessories and literature, while other booths accommodate minor celebrities from the world-wide torture community who make appearances, often in an attempt to temporise their rapidly plummeting careers. The location of the convention changes every year. Some popular locations at which the convention has been held include the Guantánamo Convention Centre in Cuba, the Royal Abu Ghraib Hall in Iraq, and the Camp Auschwitz Recreation Area in Poland. Although in recent years popularity has been steadily declining, the Torturers convention has been attended by billions during the past 5000 years.
[edit] See Also
- Corset
- Pain
- HeadOn
- George W. Bush
- The Lindys
- Iron Maiden
- Psychological Torture
- Castration
- Everybody Loves Raymond
- School
- High School Musical
[edit] References
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