Toronto Maple Leafs
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“Watching them lose is better than sex.”
~ Charlie Sheen on 40 years of anal sex
“Yeah, probably the only thing I would undo.”
~ God on the Toronto Maple Leafs
“Why do we suck so much?.”
~ The Toronto Maple Leafs on the Toronto Maple Leafs
“In Russia, Stanley Cup has gone over 40 years without advancing to YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Toronto Maple Leafs
“I decided to make a movie about the Maple Leafs winning the cup cuz they'll never win one. The movie was the worst movie of the year, just like the Leafs!”
~ Mike Myers on The Love Guru
“They aren't very good.”
~ Captain Obvious on Toronto Maple Leafs
“YOU GUYS SUCK! (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap) YOU GUYS SUCK! (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap)”
~ Chant used by Leafs fans at home games
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[edit] History
The Toronto Maple Leafs are a professional golf squad. Also known as the "Toronto Make-Me-Laffs", "Toronton Make Beleafs" and "Toronto Maple Loafs" have been known for their skilled antics, both on and off the course. Some of these activities include the breaststroke, hide 'n' go seek, tag, making "vroom" sounds while pretending to hold a steering wheel and calling the goalie "silly" after being scored on. The idea of a team was first thought of shortly after the team founder suffered a serious head injury while reciting the alphabet. The team began play at MLG, a popular game type in Halo 3 multi-player. They learned from long time pro and first time cummer AJ Abernethy, better known by his gamer tag Xx Karma 707 xX, who averages 4.7 br shots per kill. They begin each practice by seeing who can perform the perfect cartwheel while holding a box calendar. Terrible hockey playing ensues. The only exception of Toronto terribleness is Bill Barilko, made famous by a local corporate rock band.
The Toronto Maple Leafs were purchased by Billy Mays in 1924. He aqcuired the team for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. Mays also threw in backup goalie Olaf Kolzig ABSOLUTELY free!!! However, Mays soon died of a heart attack caused by low blood pressure, due to his constant masturbation to his own commercials, namely for KABOOM! and OXICLEAN! Mays came back to life in 1975, but was not allowed at any event that has anything to do with the Maple Leafs. They really screwed him over.
Sunny Trochaniak is known as the first Polish hockey player to ever play for the Leafs. He had a remarkable debut, scoring a hat-trick and getting three assists, but his success was short lived after he was raped the next day by a small black man named Ryan Thirumaran. To this day, no one has yet found Ryan, as he is difficult to spot due to the fact that he only goes out at night.
The Leafs are owned by a bucket of lukewarm diet cola. This same bucket also owns the Weather Network and the colour orange.
Nowadays with Toronto all you can do is sit back, relax and laugh your fucking ass off. All they can hope for is Chuck Norris to play on their team or Armageddon to come and end their laughing stock of a so called "team".
The Leafs have a very long history of recruiting goons who have no particular talent. From about 1964 to now, the team has been close to 75% goons. Several examples of this:
Wade Belak, Hal Gil, Darcy Tucker and most notably Brian McCabe who is no longer a part of the organisation.
However under the new management of Brian Burke the team has turned to skill as a way to win. Signing all-stars such as Colton Orr, Wayne Primeau, Garnet Exelby, Lee Stempniak, Niklas Hagman, Ryan Hollweg and Mike Van Ryn have put The Leafs on the brink of Cup contention. The residents of Toronto can sense a Cup parade on Yonge street by seasons end.
[edit] Fans
“LEAFS FANS ARE GAY BASTARDS WHO TAKE IT IN THEIR ASSES EVERY NIGHT BY BARNEY THE DINOSAUR AND DORA THE EXPLORER WEARING A LARGE STRAP ON DILDO!!!!!!”
~ A 12 year old on Leafs fans
Although Canada is the best country ever, Leafs fans have been referred to as the ballinest people on earth (for good reason) for constantly supporting a team that is just this amazing. Scientists theorize that fans of other teams are just so full of Envy and Jelousy towards the Loyal Leafs fans . There is also evidence they inject themselves with blueberry juice in order to get this 'blue blood'. The fans also feel that people are better when they wear the Leafs jersey. They claim that they get powers that increase their abilities in everything. Such claims are seen to be mostly. poppycock. Fans have started wearing bags over their head, but the home fans easily see through their disguise.
Fans get booed, and laughed out of the stadium.
[edit] Franchise History
The Team
The Toronto Maple Leafs are (pretty much) hated by everyone. Their name and logo is based on the Maple Leafs meat products logo. This logo was chosen because the Leafs stink worse than Listeria tainted meat. Canadians hate them because the franchise is very boring and because TSN and Sportsnet continuously ram them down Canadians' collective throats. Americans hate them because they are foreign. The fact that they have no flippin' idea how to spell "Leaves", and got the colour of the mighty maple leaf wrong, is a crying shame. Although they haven't won a cup in over 40 years, they seem to score a lot of flukey goals. Some claim it's the work of the ghosts of Leafs fans who died without their team having a cup. The Leafs fans are also known as the world's most retarded sports fans (after European soccer fans, the only race capable of going in a murderous frenzy over their boring sport). They constantly follow their team, attempting to ignore the fact that even the Toronto Marlies are able to beat them. In the past years, a lot of people got raped in Canada and the US for wearing Leafs jerseys.
[edit] The Owners/Management
Over the years, the current owners of the Leafs have encourage signing a lot of free agents. They even tried to sign Jesus, but he didn't want play for the evil teachers pension fund. This evil current owner of the Leafs lure the children with their teachers and eats them. The high amounts of annoying ingested through the children's souls allows them lay Jew eggs. These Jews eggs hatch into Jewlings and finally into money making accountants. This has been the philosophy for the owners and the team for awhile now.
As you already read, the Leafs are majority owned by the evil Toronto's Teachers Pension Fund, also known as the TPF. What many don't know is that the current name is a cover. TPF actually stands for 'The Poon Fighters'. This anti poon clan is out to eliminate all in the world. To carry out this mission, they require poon destroying monsters aka the Toronto Maple Leafs players themselves. To be more efficient, the TPF only hires the most qualified people for the job. Here is their actual lineup:
CF- Cliff Fetcher. Recruits the poon (at least temporarily). Sundin, McCabe and Kubina (nay, 7/8ths of the team) stand in his way from getting fresh poon. The police also do this (scummers).
PM- Poon Masher. Used to draw up the plans, but was fired by the Evil Pensioner's Fund because his plans sucked. His main plan consisted of:
FIRST PERIOD:
Play Sundin a lot. Let him be badass and kill the other team.
SECOND PERIOD:
Give Sundin a rest. Guys like Matt Stajan and Thomas Kaberle give him a bit of a rest, only allowing Toskala to see about 30 shots, with 10% of them being saved.
SECOND INTERMISSION:
Claim that they've got this in the bag, even if the score is 16-0 the other way. The fans also agree with this viewpoint: these are the guys who post on forums that the Leafs will win the northeast, and then the Stanley Cup. This season.
THIRD PERIOD:
Keep Bryan McCabe on the ice as much as possible. This assures victory most of the time. We guess.
OVERTIME:
Same as third period. Especially during Sabres games.
SHOOTOUT:
Rely on Sundin and mediocrity.
POST GAME:
Gloat victory, regardless of final score. Start same goalie next game.
Ron Wilson - New Poon Trainer. Likes to yell in traffic jams to get his voice into shape. Acting as a door boy when his buddy Brian Burke decides to leave a successful team to ruin his GM career/end his life/manage the Leafs. Known for embarassing 18 year old rookies publicly and talking about his regular season success in San Jose.
Mats Sundin- Former captain of the poon stomping line. He is the strongest of all the destroyers. Favorite moves include bashing the back of the puck holder's head. He is bald because that's how the he likes it. Some say he left the Leafs because they are awful. Those people would be right.
Jason Blake- Newest recruit, not fully transformed. He doesn't have that much power as Sundin, but makes up for it with speed.
Nik Antropov- Has improved a lot this year, too bad he still sucks. Huge, can destroy more than one helicopter at a time. Has now moved on to the New York Rangers.
Carlos Amigos (ironically not Spanish) Colaiacovo- Generally gets injured for prolonged periods before, after and during poon stomping.
[edit] The Rebuilding Progress
Golf Season, 2008 It started out promising - they picked up a 41 year old goalie who used to be stellar for a price that doesn't particularly matter. Then they fucked it. They will be paying Niklas Hagman $3 million USD (about $30 CAD nowdays) for the next 4 years - who had the fortune of playing on a line with good play-makers, particularly Brad Richards, and was still as cold as fuck for the best part of the season. It was an okay move, I guess - not like he'll be able to choke in the playoffs again for the next 4 years at least. Then....the major screw up came in:
Jeff Finger What? Who the fuck is Jeff Finger? Well, whatever he does, he's going to be taking $3.5 million dollars of your precious cap space for many years so you can't buy aging veterans who have a fetish to lose (Kaberle - he's okay enough to win a cup somewhere). However trading away draft picks for established veterans with no more than 30 games left in their career is a vital component to the leaf's continuing failure.
John Ferguson Jr. was the architect behind the brilliant signings of franchise players such as Jason Blake, Bryan McCabe, Pavel Kubina and many other players that lucked out with no trade clauses and over inflated salaries that ate up cap space.
[edit] The Last Coach
The last coach for the leafs was Rufus Wainwright, who lost all cups with the team (with this kinda name, who would win anyway?). The current coach is Dopey... who else would coach them? They live on fantasyland... but there are rumours that maybe Stephen Harper is going to coach the team along with Jean Chrétien or a tree.
[edit] The McCabe Code
If you can't beat them...join them. He showed this during an overtime game against the Sabres where he scored them the overtime winner with 4 seconds left in the game in his own net. At least it wasn't the game winning goal in the Stanley Cup Finals like the Senators.Constant cough ups selfish play and his ability to take bad penalties at the worst times in a game will solidify his place as a Leaf legend.
[edit] Rivalries
The Maple Leafs' worst rival is the Montreal Canadiens, given the long history of Original Six match-ups between the two clubs. The fact that Toronto is a bigger and more important than Montreal also gives the rivalry a provincial flair, which is perhaps best captured in the popular Canadian short story, "The Habs Thrive". The Leafs also share a rivalry with the Ottawa Senators. The Ottawa Senators are a newer team but that doesn't stop them from continuously losing to the Leafs in the playoffs. Since the lockout this rivalry has come to a stand-still.
But their biggest rival of all is themselves. Every year the Leafs hold a Blue vs White game. The losing team is sacrificed on Breakfast Television, the biggest human sacrifice themed television program on Canadian television.
[edit] Following
Unfortunately, thanks to fascist press media, the Maple Leafs are popular across Canada. Conversely, there is an equally passionate dislike of the team by fans of other teams, and not just the Canadiens fans (Senators fans too, and also fans from the Oilers and Canucks). In November 2002, the Leafs were named by Sports Illustrated as the "Most Hated Team in Hockey". Jealousy runs rampant across Canada as Toronto has always attracted jealousy and animosity from people of less desirable cities like Edmonton and Ottawa. This is also coupled with the fact that networks like TSN and CBC cater to the Leafs which draws the ire of the rest of Canada, particularly prairie folk. Giving the people of Canada a steady diet of bottom 5 hockey all season long increasing the hatred for this organization further.
[edit] Recent Team News
A seven year old boy was at the center of an Ontario courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him and Sundin was traded for a few sticks and a water bottle (that's a unfair trade, for the team that traded the supplies, Sundin's not worthy enough.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
[edit] Season-by-season record
There are no statistics since they were beaten at all times. This tends to depress the shit out of Torontonians who would really like to be winners like their idols in New York City.
A mathematical analysis completed by Stephen Hawking has demonstrated that five things are more likely to happen in the world of professional sport before Toronto wins another Stanley Cup:
1) Cleveland will erect a statue honoring Art Modell [1]
2) Brooklyn will declare a Walter O'Malley Appreciation Day [2]
3) The New York Nationals will be crowned NBA Champions [3]
4) The Ottawa Rough Riders will win the Grey Cup [4]
5) The sport of Soccer will be given the Nobel Peace Prize for the considerate and respectful nature of its fans However Ron Wilson is currently regarded as one of the most brilliant minds in hockey. Consistently abandoning his players and taking credit when the team happens to win 1 out of every 12 games.
[edit] Individual Records
- Most Goals in a season: Pooh The Tiger, 2 (1981-82)
- Most Assists in a season: Brian Mulroney,3 (1992-93)
- Most Points in a season: Stephen Harper, 5 (1992-93)
- Most Penalty Minutes in a season: Celine Dion, 78921 (1997-98)
- Most Points in a season, defenseman:FLAVA FLAV!, 2 (1976-77)
- Most Shots in a year: 50 Cent, 9 (1917-18)
- Best Goal Against Average: Posts, 0.057 (1971-72)
[edit] Future Draft Picks
The Toronto Maple Leafs are currently trying to sign The following players for Draft Picks:
- Luis Figo (1st Round Pick)
- Rory Fitzpatrick (2nd Round Pick)
- Patrik Stefan (3rd Round Pick)
- Tie Domi (4th Round Pick)
- Wade Belak (5th Round Pick)
- Ted Danson (6th Round Pick)
- Alexander Daigle (7th Round Pick)
These seven Draft Picks will end up costing the Toronto Maple Leafs $5 in total. The General Manager Celine Dion seems to think this is to much money to spend on players. The Leafs had spent a total of $2.6 trillion last year on there draft picks. However next years 2009 draft picks are expected to fuck over many teams. Dudley the Dragon (age 5422) is expected to score his first goal ever in his NHL career with the Toronto Maple Leafs. GM Celine Dion is also trying to sign Tiger Woods as a 1st Round Draft Pick for the year 3286. Tiger Woods will cause several injuries for many hockey goalies as he blasts the puck 2817102783187230918 miles per hour at the goalies mask for an instant K.O. With all these goaltenders getting injured, Tiger Woods hopes that the team will have a better shot at making the playoffs.
[edit] Current Season
Shit happens, guys. Get over it. It'll all be over before you know it...
Trivia
Hatred for the Toronto Maple Leafs and the City of Toronto is a universal exercise in Canada much in the same way that ugly people hate beautiful people and guys with tiny packages hate guys with big packages. Fortunately for the rest of the country, the City of Toronto hardly notices this in the same way the legs hardly notice that they holding up the rest of the body.
[edit] See Also
- Losers
- Toronto
- Toronto (the City, not the Game)
- Tie Domi
- Jack Layton
- Hockey
- Chuck Norris
- NHL
- National Hockey League
- Cavemen
- Maple Leafs' Head Cheerleader
| National Hockey League | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Leastern Conference | Worstern Conference | ||||
| Atlantic | Northeast | Southeast | Central | Northwest | Pacific |
| New Jersey Devils | Boston Bruins | Atlanta Thrashers | Chicago Blackhawks | Calgary Flames | Anaheim Ducks |
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| Pittsburg Penguins | Toronto Maple Leafs | Washington Capitals | St. Louis Blues | Vancouver Canucks | San Jose Sharks |
| Seasons (structure) · Stanley Cup (Playoffs–Finals–Champions) · Presidents' Trophy · All-Star Game · Draft · Players (Association) · All-Star Teams · Awards | |||||
| History · Timeline · Defunct teams · NHA · Original Six · 1967 Expansion · WHA · Streaks · Droughts · Hall of Fame (members) · Rivalries · Arenas · Rules · Violence | |||||
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