Tornado (film)

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edit The origins of Tornado

3 wise men
3 wise men on a pilgrimage to intercede with the Nerd Channel on behalf of all humanity.

One day, the headquarters of the Sci-fi - I mean, Nerd channel had an idea to improve America's movie industry. "What was this idea?" one may reasonably ask. Not Star Wars episode 7. Not Space Godzilla vs. the Terrible Space Nerds. Not Oprah: The Movie No, the one movie that America REALLY needed was about a Satan cult summoning evil tornadoes. Why? Nobody knows. Some believe it was the liberal media conspiracy. Some think the Illuminati are involved. One thing is for certain: the amount of cocaine snorted by the movie's producers would be enough to kill a fully grown adult male orca.

edit The Plot

As the story opens, the Protagonist (played by Mickey Mouse) is, in a scene clearly ripping off of Twister, a kid watching his father die in a tornado. Why? Because his dad was dumb enough to hang around and tie himself to a tractor so he could watch a tornado. However, according to the writings of Sigmund Freud, this does not represent stupidity. It merely represents a repressed desire for sex with tornadoes.

His father's last immortal words remain etched in this institution's memory forever: All your base are belong to us. Upon his death, the kid (Ok, his name's Josh Barnaby. What kid of a loser name is THAT!?) acquires this weird amulet thing that has the word "dick" in it's title. This is all you need to know.

Then the movie cuts to our hero as an adult. He is a cameraman for a news station and is assigned to work with Bimbo Woman (played by Ronald Reagan) to go to Romania, because the Prime Minister (played by Harry Potter) there is planning to give a large gift of land, a feather, hunting rights off the coast of Newfoundland, a shoe, and some deodorant to the Gypsies. The Protagonist goes to a Gypsy fortune-teller, who tells him to give up his father's old amulet. He declines, because the amulet increases his magic points and attack speed. However, he is informed by the hot Gypsy chick that he is going to save the gypsies from an evil tornado summoned by a Satan cult. No, we are not making this up. This is the actual plot of this crap movie. Our hero (see gullible is soon convinced and off we go!!! Fortunately, the scriptwriters ripped off the Pokemon movie and made him "The Chosen One," who could save the Gypsies from the 'Meta Tempesta'

25 cent
A picture that has absolutely nothing to do with this article. 25 cent, What!!!

And now:

edit How to find a Satan Cult in Romania!

Step 1: Have a bimbo reporter hanging around. You may not have sex with the bimbo. She is bait.

Step 2: Wield the amazing power of Script Immunity! If you are a protagonist in a crap movie, you will not die or fail. Ever.

Step 3: Enter some woods. Huh huh woods.

Step 4: BOOBIES!

Step 5: Wait for some men in red robes to walk by. These will be Satan disciples. All men who wear red are OBVIOUSLY Satan disciples.

Step 6: Follow the men in the red robes. Hope they are not gay, unless you are a woman, in which case you should hope they are.

Step 7: When you come to a place where there is a lot of chanting, enter. You will see an altar with the words "666" "What would Satan do?" "Coca-Cola: the preferred drink of the DEVIL!" and "fish." Congratulations! You have found your first Satanic hideout!

Our hero follows these instructions. He finds the evil cult of the Satanists. However, the cult of Satan is powerful, and grants it's cultists supernatural power over the weather. Despite this, they are surprisingly punchable. It is at this time the Prime Minister of Romania appears. He reveals himself, in a surprisingly predictable plot twist, as the leader of the Satin cult. Whereas the Satan cult is an organization of evildoers, the Satin cult is just soft on pillows.

But he is also the leader of the Satan cult too, and escapes in a helicopter. Josh realizes he must protect the Gypsies.

Editors Note: The next part of the plot has been omitted. All we have left are the words "space", "monkeys," "Cthulhu", and "mattress." Don't ask why.]

Satanic tornado
The Meta Tempesta shows it's inner feminist side

Josh gets to the scene where the evil minister has summoned the demonic tornadoes. However, Josh is a fifth level mime, and is able to walk through the wind with the diklos amulet and have a fistfight with Minister Palpatine. Josh wins because he is the protagonist, but still can't get laid. Figures.

edit Symbolism

The sex scene shows the producer's desire to get some action.

The pentagram on which the Satan worshipers are praying on is actually a symbol of Satan.

This movie is an excellent symbol of mediocrity.

The dad's death in the tornado is a symbol of A)Copyright infringement and B) repressed desires for tornadoes.

edit "All your base are belong to us"

This phrase has haunted movie critics for eternity. Some feel it represents an optimistic view of the universe. Others think it is a plea for divine love, or indicative of a repressed desire for Paris Hilton. Still others think the dad was just a big fan of Zero Wing. And finally, the last group of critics, headed by Susan B. Anthony, think the other groups should just shut the heck up and go watch something fun, like porn.

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