Torchic

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Emerald-Torchic
Torchic
Japanese name Achamo
Stage 666
Evolves from Nada!!
Evolves to Errr...what?
Species Chick
Type Fire
Height arm length
Weight 15 lb full of pennies
Ability destructive arsonist
Next Pokémon Spiritomb
Previous Pokémon Piplup
No Wikipedia
Because one of their users was recently defeated by Torchic in a Pokémon battle, he has taken an axe to its Wikipedia article. It won't be back. Don't hold your breath.

Torchic is a highly destructive (and extremely sadistic) Pokemon who wants to burn everything in sight. The creature may look cute, but in reality, this Pokemon is highly violent, destructive, and dangerous. They can be only be found in the African Savannahs and are currently on the endangered species list (because of this, no one in this world are allowed to kill Torchic. Therefore this pokemon can freely destroy every city without any force). In fact, there are currently 48 Torchics in the world. Torchic is known to set cities, people, noobs, and forests on fire and sending them to hell. How and when the Torchics appeared is unknown, but the earliest sighting of this creature was probably during the time where peasants and nobles live in crappy castles and paladins try and kill Torchics for fun of endearment. Currently, the government of Zimbabwe, ordered by Robert Mugabe wants their citizens to track down and capture this destructive critter in exchange for 5 million Zimbabwe dollars (which probably would be worth about eight tenths of a U.S. penny.

edit How to handle the Torchic

The CIA and FBI have documented several attacks by Torchics in U.S. grounds, most recently, the Minneapolis Bridge. Most of Torchic's attacks are forest fires, but there have incidences where they are responsible for many droughts, tornadoes, hurricanes, and disease, especially the Dust Bowl and the Great Chicago Fire. According the fire department, if it happens that someone come across a Torchic, that person should immediately run away from that little bird and scream like little sissies. Otherwise, if that person happens to get close to the Torchic, s/he is pretty much screwed. The fire department also warn you that the cuteness of the chick can cause you to come closer to this beast and putting yourself in a vulnerable position of being burniated, but for some reason no one can resist the cuteness. Of all 10,000 people who can across the Torchic, 95% of them burned to ashes because their instincts tell them to come close to the Torchic and put themselves in a vulnerable position of being burniated. Also, it is highly not recommended to douse a bucket of water onto the Torchic, as the Torchic may explode and destroy everything about the size of Texas.

edit Torchic listed as WMD

On June 6th, 2006, the current president of the United States, George W. Bush, had marked Torchic as a WMD. One reason is that we all know that Torchic can look deceiving due to its cuteness and we all know that Torchic is highly violent.

Recently, in July 31st, 2007, Congress and the Republican Party had passed the Anti-Torchic Ownership and Weapons Act 2+2=5. It states that anyone who owns a Torchic will be forced to eat 1,000 lb. of pork in 15 minutes or have to bathe in a hot water tub at (500 degrees Celsius). Those who don't comply would probably get decapitated. The act also calls for people to kill any Torchic in sight (which doesn't make sense because they CAN'T be killed). In addition, anyone who owns a Torchic is marked as a hero Apparently, since Torchics are American and no one in the United States (including May), no one is going to be forced to eat lots of pork for having to bathe in inferno water, so this act is pretty much useless. However, the United Nations has condemned this act because this creature is in the endangered species list.

edit Current owners of Torchic

ForestFire

A forest fire in California after a Torchic passed by. That motherfucking bastard.

Currently, there are only 2 people who own a Torchic: May and Chuck Norris (he owns the world's only Torchic farm. He also raises them to be led by rank in the following order: Chuck Norris>Blaziken The Baddass>Blaziken>Combusken>Torchic Veteran>Torchic) . However, since the latest act passed by Congress, May is now marked as a national heroine and she was forced to leave Hawaii and fled to Arizona (where she shoots druggies and pursuing and/or annoying fans on sight) and fell in love with a another (local) 14-year old named Ted Brenalvirez who she is now dating.

By doing the math, there are exactly 45,000,000 wild Torchics left in this planet. Anyone who manages to get a hold of a Torchic would be make everyone fear that person because we all already know that Torchics are aggressive.

Hugo Chavez is about to get a Torchic as a birthday present. (Boy, is he in for a radioactive surprise.)

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