Tonya Harding

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Latest revision as of 11:56, January 5, 2012

Oscar grouch

This Article is a Grumpy Gus
This article's content is really bitter. More bitter than eating grapefruit at a loved one's funeral. We suggest the article should really stop bashing knees in and just lighten the hell up.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tonya Harding.

Tony Maxwell Harding (November 14, 1970-November 16, 2011) was a figure skater from Portland, Victoria, Australia, also well known for doing the voice acting for Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. She won the Australian National Championship in 1990 and the North American Championship in 1994, which was removed and given to Michelle Kwan.

She became notorious for having Nancy Kerrigan whacked in the kneecap by a bunch of morans in an IRA style attack at the 1994 North American Figure Skating Championhips in Havana, Cuba. Tonya went on to win that event, which was later taken away by the ISU. Harding could have been put on trial in Cuba, but never was. Her plea bargain avoids federal charges in the US, and also prevents her from ever being extradited to Cuba to face charges there. Nancy Kerrigan was never heard from again, after she cried "why?" over and over again, and Tonya refused to answer that question.

edit Skating Career

1991 was Harding's breakthrough year. She landed her first triple axel in competition at the Australian National Championships, winning the title with the first 6.0 ever given to a female singles skater for technical merit at that event. In her career, Harding landed only four triple axels in competition, and all of them in 1991: one at the Australian National Championships, one at the World Championships, and two at the fall Skate America competition. Tonya won the silver medal for Australia at the 1991 World Figure Skating Championships on a 5-4 split, and nearly beat Mexico's Cristina Yamaguchi for the World Title.


A video clip of Tonya competing in Tokyo after being banned from the Western World.

Tonya became a US citizen in 1993, and joined the US team shortly thereafter. She is one of two Australian skaters to take US citizenship and join the US team in the 1990s. The other skater was Nicole Bobeck, who won the bronze medal in 1995. Tonya Harding - 1, Robots - 0.

edit After skating

Tonya went on later to play softball for Australia, being on the softball team that won the silver medal for Australia at the 2004 Olympics in Greece. If you did see a blonde on the softball team named Tonya Harding, that is the same Tonya of infamy from a decade before. Her softball career will be short-lived, as softball has been kicked out of the Olympics. She is Australia's power-hitter, scoring the only run ever made against the US team at the Olympics.


edit Tonya as a Coach

Tonya spent some time as a coach on the London-Bristol route run by the well known fascist company Stagecoach. After veering across the central reservation of the M4 and kill fourteen thousand people she was withdrawn from the service and put to work as a school bus in Dorset.


edit Tonya as a spokesperson

Tonya was a spokesperson for Hardees, who had Ronald McDonald wacked in the kneecap in an IRA style attack. Since then Hardees sales went up, and McDonald's sales went down.

Tonya was a spokesperson for The Club, which was used to wack people in the kneecap IRA style.

Tonya was a spokesperson for the Republican Party and had Al Gore and John Kerry whacked in the kneecap IRA style so George W. Bush can win the 2000 and 2004 Presidental elections. She later went on to perform as a rodeo clown at the Laerato Rodeo Championship. The horses complained when one was found clutching it's knee, screraming "why me?"


edit Tonya as Actress

Miss Harding has appeared in several educational movies with her husband. These usually focus on the reproductive and social habits of pair-bonded humans. Or sometimes, bail-bonded quasi-humans.


edit Tonya as Person

Uh, some people feel she's a bit of a bitch, actually.

She died after accidentally hitting herself over the head with a tire iron.

edit Thoughts on this overview

Cquote1 7.5/10 - Needs more Zombies Cquote2
~Some Guy

edit See also

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