Tony the Tiger

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“I'M GRRRREAT!”
~ Tony the Tiger on crack
“They're pretty average.”
~ Captain Obvious on Frosted flakes
“No, they're WAY below average.”
~ Captain Understatement on Frosted flakes
“What's great?”
~ Captain Oblivious on above quotes

“How do you know they're great, Tony? Felines lack sweetness buds.”
~ Oscar Wilde

“I occasionally mix them with little children. They're the ones so GRRREAT!”
~ Tony the Tiger on Wilde's quote
“Yeah. And he never shares... faggot.”
~ Sam the Toucan on being on drugs
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Aslan
Tony the Tiger

Antonio Di Tigretta (born March 19, 1930 - March 18, 1930), more commonly known under the name of Tony The Tiger, was the chief spokesperson and mascot of Kellogg’s Frosties of American/Italian descent. He first appeared as spokesperson for Kellogg’s in 1952, and despite the 55-year period in which Tony should have aged since then, he surprisingly looked no different. It is believed this miracle in aging-prevention was due to the abnormal levels of sugar and e-numbers in Frosties. Sadly he was tortured and beaten before being brutally murdered by someone.

As well as his work for Kellogg’s he was trained as linguist and was a talented wordsmith, famed for his essays and works about the political and social turmoil of the world (see They're Grrrreat, volumes Iin the overall landscape of the world). , II, III and IV, a series of books concerned with the rise and fall of communism in Russia in a broader social, political and economic context He was also known and honoured for his charity work, appearing frequently on television in the tear-jerking Frosties Kid commercials, appealing for the improvement in the health and welfare of Frosties Kids everywhere. Oh, and he's a furry, too.

Early Life

Tigerattack
Tony shares his joy at being admitted into Cambridge with one of his keepers.

Tony was reared in captivity at an unknown location, meaning the details of his infancy and childhood are sketchy. However, at some point in his upbringing his carers managed to train him to speak English, a fact that has confounded scientists for many decades.

This astounding ability did not go unnoticed, and when he reached the age of 18 Tony received the invitation to attend Cambridge University. Tony literally leaped at the chance[1] and was soon studying for a major in English Language. While at university Tony's interest in politics was heightened. He soon joined the Cambridge Debating Society, both silencing rivals and impressing veteran debaters with his quick-witted responses to the various arguments raised. In one particular debate, in which Tony was arguing for the capitalist South Korea, her allies and their ideologies in relation to the Korean War, he felled the opposition with the one rebuke: "They’re Grrrreat!” These two carefully chosen words silenced his debating rivals and saw him go down in Cambridge University history as one of the true greats of oratory.

After 4 years Tony graduated. And soon after graduation Tony received his first major break on the route to stardom. It just so happened that at the time Kellogg’s were looking for a mascot to front their sugary-flakes-of-corn-with-a-tiger-pictured-on-the-packet cereal, later to be called Frosties. After a tough audition, which pitted Tony against such theatrical giants as Tigger, Hobbes, Elmo the Elephant, Newt the Gnu and Marlon Brando in a tiger outfit, Tony got the job.

Career as a Kellogg’s Mascot

Early Career

Tony's career at Kellogg’s began brightly with the mascot rising rapidly through the ranks of the corporation. As has already been said, his first advertisement was broadcast in 1952. His début advert featured Tony crunching his way through an entire box of Frosties and then uttering the immortal phrase "They’re Grrrreat!” Tragically, after the cameras stopped rolling he suffered a massive sugar-induced heart attack and was rushed to hospital.

the advert was well received both critically and by the mass public, a rarity for such an early debut. Although this reaction was perhaps affected by sympathy for the tiger (who made a swift recovery).

The 1960's

Tony the Tiger Speech
August 28, 1963. Tony attends a march on Washington and speaks on equality for Orange and Black tigers throughout America.

The 1960's brought a new chapter in Tony's life and career. With the dawn of the colour television major changes occurred in the advertising industry. For the first time people realised that Tiger's were actually coloured orange with black stripes, not the "socially acceptable" grey once thought; purchases of Frosties plummeted due to the attitudes of a still discriminatory society...

With threats of him losing his job coming to the fore Tony retreated to pursue his more political interests. He was soon involved in many anti-Vietnam war marches, on which he made many a great speech supporting the Vietcong ("They’re Grrrreat!"). As well as the numerous civil rights marches he attended, appealing for the equal rights of orange and black tigers everywhere ("They’re Grrrreat!").

Eventually Tony’s campaigns for a better life for his kind worked, and by the late 1960’s his career was back on track.

The 1970’s

The 1970’s brought about great personal changes for Tony; Tony married, yet his wife strangely took the surname ‘Tony’ instead of ‘Tiger’. Mrs. Tony bore a daughter, Antoinette, and a son, Tony Jr., to Tony. This oddly left the latter with the name Tony Jr. Tony.

The 1980’s

With the dawn of the 1980’s came Tony's break into the big time. Hollywood beckoned and Tony obliged.

Although he did continue to star in the Kellogg's Frosties adverts, the 80's saw Tony branch out and expand his fame into other areas.

As well as being the inspiration for the song Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, used famously for the theme tune of Rocky III; Tony made a cameo appearance as Tiger in the James Bond film, Octopussy. In which Tony is told to "sit" by Roger Moore. This appearance led to numerous critical appraisals for acting skill and the chemistry between him and the old man Moore.

The 1990's

The 1990's could be considered a decade of embarrassment for Tony. Kellogg’s, wanting a “new look” for their Frosties adverts, asked Tony to appear in a series of adverts in which he would appear rapping. Needless to say this resulted in cringing embarrassment for Tony, as he eventually ran out of things that rhymed with “grrrreat”.

However Tony did make a comeback, abandoning the Mr. T chains and novelty clock necklace and focused his efforts into sport.

The 2000’s

Tiger Mizuki
Tony the Tiger on steroids.

For the beginning of the 2000’s Tony continued his sport-themed approach to being the mascot of Kellogg’s Frosties.

Despite nearly being 77 years old Tony does not to appear have aged at all[2], and still continues to pursue his new found love of sports. With the 77 year old Tiger buffing up for the early millennium and appearing, amongst other things, as a personal trainer and shark polo instructor. How his trainees reacted to being taught by a 6 foot Tiger on it's hind legs, angrily roaring and blowing a whistle occasionally, is unknown.

Tony the Tiger's inherently racist advert prior to the 2008 Beijing Olympics with an Asian theme was met with widespread acclaim, as everyone finally realised that bastard tiger was gonna get it. "Dem Chinese gonna beef him up" was the most popular phrase of the Games.

In early 2008 Tony was released by Kellogg's over a photo recovered of him smoking marijuana with His homosexual partner Michael Phelps. Now since tony's death he is a C.G.I creation voiced by Lee Marshall

Death

On 2 May, 2008 a neighbor reported "thumping music" coming from Tony's Ibiza holiday apartment, and that a party had taken place the night before. Police arrived to settle the disturbance, but after getting no answer from the door or Tony's cell phone, the broke down the door to find him lying dead in "a pool of sweat, vomit, blood, urine, and a bit of Bacardi and Coke, and the other type of coke. The police later released an official statement, treating Tony's death as "undetermined". Numerous reports have claimed that the cause of death was a frosties overdose, resulting in heart failure.

Tony was instantly replaced by an the actor James Woods and will stand in as the Frosties spokesman, at least until they find an actor of the same species.

An inquest has begun.

The Frosties Kid

Frosties Kid
The Frosties Kid in his domain. Tugging the heartstrings of a nation.

Yet in the mid 2000's a dramatic development occurred in Tony's career. After viewing a television fundraiser Tony saw the abuse and mistreatment that Frosties Kids received. Sickened by this Tony set out his plans to help. Mainly pumping them full of sugar, which somehow gives them the ability to fly[3].

The first appearance of this new found empathy came with first (and mercifully last) Frosties Kid advert.
Caberet
The Frosties Kid in "his" new domain. Tugging the heartstrings of rich, sweaty old men.
In which Tony appears appealing for the welfare of Frosties Kids throughout the globe. The public loved the advert, and was in no way so annoying that it made you want to huff kittens.

However, soon after the advert was broadcast, rumours of the Frosties Kid’s death began to circulate. Amongst the tales of the Kid dying of a diabetic reaction and of him choking on a Frosties flake, there were stories in which Tony was implicated directly. With many suggesting that the tiger had either killed or kidnapped the kid.

The rumours suggested that Tony had taken the idea of improving the welfare of Frosties Kids too far, and had kidnapped a few and held them hostage in his garage, for “their own good”. This eventually turned out to be untrue though, and the Frosties kid was found alive and well in Argentina, where the former he works as a cabaret singer.

Arrest

On the 31st January 2007, Tony the Tiger was arrested at his home in Venice Beach, Los Angeles after it was revealed he had been involved in a sex scandal featuring a 10 year old boy, possibly the Frosties Kid, but we can't be sure. Tony was taken downtown to the local police station where he was questioned about the incident. A court hearing was held on April 2, 2007, it is believed that witnesses will give their accounts of what happened that day, including Snap, Crackle and Pop and that little bear thing from the Coco Pops adverts, Tony was found not-gulity in May. After the sugar smacks frog confessed to framing him for financial gain.

Footnotes

  1. leading to the critical injury of 2 of his keepers and the premature removal of a kidney for another
  2. Frosties is being studied as a possible elixir of life - along with Coca Cola and the Mediterranean lifestyle.
  3. I shit you not! Watch the advert!

See Also

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