Tony Knowles (politician)
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edit Early Life
edit Family Life
Knowles was born in Yorba Linda, California to Francis A. Nixon and Hannah Milhous Nixon. His parents were evangelical Quakers and Knowles' upbringing was marked by conservative Quaker observances such as, refraining from drinking, dancing, and swearing. He would abandon these values later in life after becoming a godless liberal.
Knowles' great-grandfather, George Nixon III, was killed at the Battle of Gettysburg during the American Civil War. His great-grandfather was protesting the war by standing naked in the middle of the battlefield and singing "If I Had a Hammer," he was decapitated by a cannonball.
Knowles' better known twin brother Richard Nixon spent most of their childhood upstaging young Tony. This practice would continue throughout Richard's life as he ascended to the presidency of the United States in 1968. Tony, who had become a City Councilman in the hopes of finally winning the love of their parents, went mad with jealousy and designed an elaborate plot to bring down his brothers' presidency. This plot is known to the public as "Watergate" and was "revealed" to the public by Knowles' friends Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein.
edit Changing Values
In 1984, less than 10 years after ending his brother's presidency, Knowles gave up the conservative values he was raised on after meeting young liberal activist Kevin Bacon. Bacon taught Knowles that there was nothing wrong with dancing or rock music and together they liberated a small rural town from the anti-rock and anti-dancing regime of Reverend Shaw Moore.
Later, Knowles re-united with his Yale University NAMBLA House buddy George W. Bush. The two, having both drifted away from the conservative values of their youth, spent the next 10 years on what the two privately refer to as their "Lost Decade." During this period there were occasional sightings of the two in strip clubs and bars, drinking heavily and snorting coke off whoever's bare ass was available. It was during this time that Knowles decided to become a Godless Liberal.
edit Death of His Brother
In 1994 Knowles brother Richard died. Knowles vowed to sober up after hearing about the funeral while in a cheap motel room and being being washed by a group of Oompa Loompas he had sold some Extacy to. Knowles spent a year in rehab where he met Ann Coulter. After rehab the two spent several years together in a small house in Rural Alaska. Ann would eventually leave Knowles as she felt he had become a "spineless, homosexual, liberal crybaby." It was at this time that Knowles decided to re-enter the world of Politics.
edit Political Life
Knowles won the right to become the Governor of Alaska after he killed Lord Humongous in personal combat and presented his testicles to Senator Ted Stevens in 2006. Knowles officially took the oath of Office on January 32nd 2007.
edit Ann Coulter Sex Tape ScandalKnowles' term as Governor was marked by scandal from the very beginning. In July of 2007 the testicularly impaired Lord Humongous released to the media a tape he had obtained from an undefined source. The tape featured Knowles and former lover Ann Coulter drinking heavily and arguing over which sex tape was better produced the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee tape or the Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels tape. Knowles was heavily criticized by the media for his preference for the Bret Michaels tape.
edit Robert Kennedy Assassination Scandal
Again Knowles political career was threatened by scandal on Christmas of 2007 when it was revealed by former friends Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein that Knowles had been part of the plot to kill Bobby Kennedy. The plot had been devised by Knowles' brother Richard as a way to distract the masses by giving them fodder to create crackpot conspiracy theories about plots to kill politically active members of the Kennedy family. The death of JFK was also part of this plot. Knowles was able to divert attention away from this scandal by revealing that he had been having sex with an intern. The media latched onto the sex story and by the time it had been proved untrue felt that the Bobby Kennedy story was "old news" and the story died.
edit Moon Landing Scandal
In March of 2009 Knowles was again faced with scandal. Video was found in a NASA warehouse marked "Moon Landing, 1969 - Outtakes." The outtakes were from the infamous Moon Landing hoax of 1969. Not surprised by the hoax or Knowles involvement in the hoax the public was shocked by his use of the word "Chink" in the outtakes when referring to the Vietnamese instead of approriately referring to them as "Gooks." Knowles released an apology for what he termed "an accidental confusion" of the two asian nationalities.
The final scandal of Knowles' term as Governor of Alaska came in September of 2010 when the city of Nome, Alaska sank into the sea after a massive earthquake. It was later discovered that the earthquake was caused by a Nuclear Missle exploding at the San Andreas fault line. Knowles chief aide Otis had improperly programmed the Nuclear Missile, which missed it's intended target, which would have resulted in all of California west of the fault line falling into the ocean making hundreds of miles of worthless desert property into extremely valuable beachfront property. Knowles resigned from office in February of 2011.
edit Leaving Office
Knowles quietly walked away from the gubernatorial mansion in Juneau, Alaska saluting the assembled press corps. as he stepped into his Delorean. The car subsequently vanished. At the time, no one knew when exactly Knowles was headed.
Tony Knowles died at the Battle of Agincourt on October 25th, 1415. Having been a poor history student and having never gotten around to reading Henry V Knowles decided to side with the French due to their greater numbers. Knowles died after tripping over the body of a dead French Nobleman and impaling himself on a sword.