From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Tony "The Danza" Danza, is considered a modern day hero in some cultures that believe in the danza dance. Tony Danza has had lots of accomplishments in his time, he invented the catheter and was praised by Elton John in his one hit wonder "Hold Me Closer Tony Danza" which is still known today and will forever be known in Tony's mind, despite Tony Danzas liplexia (unable to stop smiling while little boys are around) he maintained a high maintenance status contributing to the up and coming film Top Gun 2 featuring Lindsey Lohan as Maverick.
Tony Danza worked along side Tom Selleck during the making of "Bad Boys III - too hot to handle" then Tom and Tony were later accused of sexually assualting the "donut guy" in the staff bathroom. The victim's words were "I didn't know why they wanted me, all Tony kept saying is, take 'em off, yeah take off dem itty bitties. While Tom screamed squeal Boy squeal like the pig you are! and painted the scene." The image was burned into the young man's mind for eternity. Tony Danza claimed that Tom wanted to sow a magic trick then started spanking Tony repeatedly saying it was white and now it's red! Toms story was Tony was mowing his lawn and Tom offered a cool drink to cool him off, Tony accpted and Tom showed Tony his new jacusi tub, Tony being the malerape machine he is, held Tom up against the tub and began fondeling his nipples. Tony disapeared without a trace after that and some say he took the alias of Scott Baio.
edit Early life
Tony Danza was born Tony Fa Fony Danzerfanza in 1509 with a tight sack and pretty much the smallest dick ever recorded in a dumpster behind a pizza parlor located somewhere on Jupenisiter's moon, IO. During elementary school, he did average despite the fact that he could make female teachers swoon with his "A-oh, oh-a!" expression. His true talents weren't discovered until junior high and high school, where he learned telekinetic skills.
Tony spent most of his time translating the Bible into Klingon. Tony briefly considered changing his name to Dolph Lundgren. Danza became a beacon of hope and began stalking a young Alex Trebek.
edit College and beyond
After High School, Tony went on to a local weight watchers to study the ecology of the African jungles, which he found to be a very difficult subject since there are no African jungles outside of Africa. Realizing his mistake, Tony switched his major to nonsensical expressions of mid 20th century America. He gave little thought to his major, however. He wanted to pursue his dream of becoming a pro basketball player. He did play for the school team, but the coach continually tried to dissuade Tony from the NBA because Tony is only 2 ft 11 in tall. Tony dropped out of school to pursue acting.
edit Early career
Penniless and destitute, Tony luckily landed a job in commercials along side Abe Vigoda. Marketing research showed that Tony had great potential to sell pizza, lasagna, and tractors. Abe's agent took over Tony's career and led Tony to much needed changes such as changing his last name to Danza, just to make it fit on credits. Continued work with these commercials led to the next step in Tony's life.
He found some work voicing the First Lady in the popular 50's television series The Adventures of Gay Dracula. He left the show after the ghost of Andrew Jackson, posssessing the body of his descendant Samuel L. Jackson, kidnapped the show's writers and producers.
edit The Senate
By a sheer stroke of luck, Tony was elected as the Republican Senator for Alabama in 1962 despite never having lived in that state or running for office. Many historians attribute this to an error in the voting machines and in particular, the failings of a butterfly ballot. Tony served for several years until 1948 when he was attacked on the floor by Les Claypool's Frog Brigade. This proved to be a turning point in his political career.
Tony's next big break came when he was cast for the TV show Taxi. His character was originally cast for the sister of the character played by Barack Obama. This was mostly due to Tony's massive D cups. However, recent advances in film technology allowed Tony's character to be portrayed as a darker skinned person, thus eliminating the need to explain away Tony's whiteness as Barak Obama's sister. Instead, Tony's character was made into Rowan Atkinson's character's sister for no apparent reason. After Tony's first appearance, Sen. Kip Winger pushed through a bill backed by the presidency that from that point forward, any character Tony Danza portrayed would need to be named Tony.
edit Who's the Boss?
Soon after TAXI was cancelled, TV executives for ABC (Americans Buying Cable) thought that the young Danza could use his own vehicle. They teamed him up with a rather masculine-looking Judith Light and wrote the show with "role-reversal" in mind. Hence we have the comedic gold Who's the Boss? The show featured Larry LaLonde as Danza's bangable young daughter, and also starred Tim Alexander and some old lady who not only portrayed a pervert, but was one in real life. The show ran for an unprecedented 2000 years, where America was forced to regurgitate outdated stereotypes and watch Tony put the moves on someone that in most casual environments would be easily confused with a man. Most critics agreed that it was just plain disgusting.
edit The Internets
A fake photo of Tony Danza in the nude is currently circulating via instant messaging. It's from when he was younger...her penis is really fat and shaped like a diamond. His vagina is much the same.
edit The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza
An early Les Claypool side project involving the three members of the band being molested on tape by Tony Danza. Kitten Mucus topped the Botswanese music charts on November 14th, 1992.