Tony Abbott

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Tony Abbott

A hyper-realistic 3D model Abbot made of himself in Blender.

“No one, however smart, however well educated, however experienced, is the suppository of all wisdom.”
~ Tony Abbott, 2013
“Malcolm Turnbull invented the internet.”
~ Tony Abbott, 2014

Anthony John "Tony" W. Abbott (born 4 November 1957) is the 28th and current Prime Minister of Australia. He has been Leader of the "Liberal" Party since 2009, and the Member of Parliament for Warringahlaningong since 1994. Most notable in his personal traits is his distaste for every minority imaginable, this includes: Racial minorities, gay people, aboriginals and women in general. If you are anything but a white heterosexual male, he doesn't think highly of you.

Tony Abbott is the current corporate puppet controlling Australia, and in fact rivals with Fulgencio Batista in this respect.

edit Early Life

Abbott was born in a manger in London, England, on 4 November 1957, to an Australian mother, Fay Abbott (née Peters), and an English-born father, Dick Abbott. In 1960, Abbott and his family left the UK for Australia by a definitely non-boat method of transportation.

During his high school years, Abbott was a very successful paper boy, winning the coveted Young News Deliverers' award for three years in a row.

In 1984, aged 26, Abbott entered St Patrick's Seminary, Manly, and studied to become a priest. However, after failing in an attempt to banish all the snakes from Australia, despite being an esteemed Rhodes Scholar, Abbot left St Patrick's to start a career in politics.

edit Political Career

Abbott was first appointed to the Cabinet in 1998 under the Howard Government as Minister for Employment, Workplace Relations and Small Mindedness. In 2003, he became Minister for Misogyny, a role that actually held no real power, and was meant to keep him distracted while the grown-ups were working.

Eventually, Abbott managed to escape the playpen, and decided he was old enough to be a serious politician. He succeeded in getting a proper seat in parliament in the 2010 election, as discerning voters all happened to be on holiday in New Zealand at the time.

In 2012, Abbott was criticized by then Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, for being a misogynist. As fast as brown sloth having just fallen from its branch and accelerating at 9.8 meters per second squared towards the jungle floor, Abbott struck back, claiming that he knew "several" women and that he had cried while watching Bambi and Finding Nemo and that therefore, he was really a nice guy.

In August of 2013, Abbott ousted Julia Gillard, Prime Minister at the time. He made the persuasive argument: "Just look at her — she's a woman, for Chrissakes!" He then seized parliament and took over. Australia has been shrouded in darkness ever since, and only by throwing the one ring into the house of parliament will the curse be lifted.

edit Political Views

edit Immigration

One of Abbott's 2013 election promises was to decrease the number of unauthorized boat arrivals. Under Labor's regime, non-whites were sneaking into the 'land of opportunity' and then, in a bloody well un-Australian manner, tricking the government into thinking they were refugees and protected by the UN in order to steal welfare from the hard-working Australian unemployed, to call Australians 'infidels', and to con elderly people into thinking that they had just painted their roof.

edit See also

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