From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
When it comes to the awesomeness of killing someone, two options are bestowed upon you. Either A. Kill someone with a tommy gun or B. Kill someone by other, more elaborate means. Sure its cool to kill someone by slipping some napalm gas into their respirator, but why not take the high road and blow his/her balls out the back of his/her head with a semi-automatic certified killing machine. The only thing more awesome than killing someone with a tommy gun is killing someone with a tommy gun that you super-glued to your steak snake.
Reasons Why Tommy Guns Haul So Much Ass
- They quite simply make the greatest sound on Earth. Tommy gun bullets can be heard by the deaf. A deaf man once heard the sweet humming of a tommy gun and decided to harness it into music. See Also: Beethoven
- They kill a lot of people in a short amount of time.
- Their bullets can be worn as vests that bad-ass motorcyclists wear while hurling Molotov cocktails at foster homes.
- They are so massive that they need to be upholstered by an enforced tripod. Much of this weight comes from a tommy guns nether regions.
- Not only can they shoot a lot of bullets in a short amount of time, they have long range. This makes it possible to lurk in the rafters and take out an entire Christian choir before they can even spit out a half-assed "amen."
- If they sprouted legs, they'd be robots.
- They can sprout legs.
- In order to utilize the "re-load" function, one must transport a 30 foot belt of bullets across their chest, usually always paralyzing them. All this is done just so they can spit out some metal candy.
- If loaded with silver bullets, they can quickly solve the werewolf problem present in America today. If loaded with wooden stakes, vampires would feel the wrath as well.
- They're user friendly.
Tommy guns are capable of killing anyone/thing. One could watch a broad-shouldered son-of-a-gun pirate single handedly overthrow the entire governmental structure of America-then see him get taken out by a Ruthless Tommy Gun-Well Endowed Death Bot(RTGWEDB)
The Creation of RTGWEDB
On August 28th, 1990, a group of tommy guns were playing their prestigious game of "To Kill or Not to Kill." Naturally all the robots chose "to kill." The structural layout for their point system reads as such.
- Jib OVER 9000 points
- Women: 50 points
- Blacks: 30 points
- Pirates: 600 points
- Ninjae: 700 points
- Polar Bears: 80 points
- Vegans: 30 points
- Children: 40 points
- Even More Women: 100 points.
During the process of slaughter, a young tommy gun named "Mash Em' Bash Em'" Earl Brimstone decided that he'd dive balls first into the pool and sprout some him some legs. The process itself usually takes about 1-2 seconds. Within 10 minutes of transformation, the entire island of New Guinea was irradicated from existence. Everyone died. The trend eventually caught on, and the entire population of Hawaii was then slaughtered. In its place, stands many 60 square mile reinforced steel shelters for protection. Unfortunately, tommy guns can shoot right through the material, but they elect not to, because they'd rather have it easy and kill unsuspecting victims.
Tommy Guns Today
Tommy guns and RTGWEDB are more than common in today's society. 98% of them elect to kill for a profession, the other two are involved in either the kitten huffing industry or family restaurant industry. Although the restaurants are doomed to go out of business because people would rather not eat fallopian tubes, fetuses, and urethrae.