Tom Price

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‘I have never had sexual relations with that town’

- Vincent Price as Oscar Wilde on Tom Price

Tom Price is a town situated in the middle of nowhere (see map). The town of Tom Price was not named after an American engineer who died at his desk in 1962. Tom Price was in fact the lovechild of actor Vincent Price which explains why the flies in Tom Price are human sized (see fly beast). Universally, people agree that Tom Price is a stupid name for a town. However it is not as stupid as the town called Dumme Stadt (trans.stupid town) in Germany.

Contents 1 History 2 Culture 3 Economy 4 Landmarks 5 Tourist Attractions 5.1 Climate 5.2 Population 5.3 Social Underclass 5.4 Shops 5.5 Accomodation 5.6 Famous People from Tom Price

[edit] History

Missile Base

Tom Price is the general location of Heydeez, a top secret 3 trillion dollar underground missile base that America built at the height of the USB Foam Missile Launcher Crisis. Americans named the base after the Greek God of the Underworld.

After the completion of Heydeez, US Army personnel went into town to eat doughnuts. When they attempted to return to base, no one could remember where it was. To this day Heydeez, equipped with enough nuclear warhead missiles to blow up our solar system's sun at least three million times, has not been located. The number one threat to world security today remains a deceptively cute Persian cat called Rocky who was left behind inside the base.

A film based on the missing missile base is due to be released in time for Easter. It stars Michael Paré and Bobby Di Cicco and is being filmed off the coast of New Jersey.

Other Events

Prince Charles visited Tom Price in 1980. He stayed at the Paraburdoo Airport in transit for approximately 7 minutes. A limited edition of 5000 Royal Souvenir iron ore tankards were produced to mark the occasion. These are still available for purchase at the Tom Price Tourist Information Centre. Things got even more exciting when Tom Price won the Tidy Town Competition in 1977, 1988 and 1992.

[edit] Culture

Tom Price has an indoor basketball court and at least twenty five sports ovals, which is equivalent in area to Paris. So you think you can dance? Tom Price also hosts the National Australian Iron Ore Clogging Championships.

[edit] Economy

Iron ore is collected in big trucks called haulpaks and exported to China and turned into steel. The steel is then turned into haulpaks and imported back into Australia. Iron ore is collected in big trucks called haulpaks and exported to China and turned into steel. The steel is then turned into haulpaks and imported back into Australia. Iron ore is collected in big trucks called haulpaks and exported to China and turned into steel. The steel is then turned into haulpaks and imported back into Australia. Iron ore is collected in big trucks called haulpaks and exported to China and turned into steel. The steel is then turned into haulpaks and imported back into Australia. Iron ore is collected in big trucks called haulpaks and exported to China and turned into steel. The steel is then turned into haulpaks and imported back into Australia. Iron ore is collected in big trucks called haulpaks and exported to China and turned into steel. The steel is then turned into haulpaks and imported back into Australia see diagram).

Exports

As well as exporting iron ore, Tom Price also exports a wide range of high demand products such as iron ore jewellery, iron ore perfume, iron ore wasabi cheese, iron ore tulips, handknitted iron ore Aran sweaters, and genuine Panama hats made from Spinifex grass (see Social Underclass). Iron ore wasabi cheese alone accounts for 46% of Australia's GPD which is remarkable when you think about it.

[edit] Landmarks

Mount Nameless

This mountain was originally called Jarndunmunha (place of rock wallabies) by Indigenous Australians but then in the early 1960s some geologists came along and said, ‘I know a really ace name for this place. Let’s call it Mount Nameless’. This confirmed what many people already knew (see All Geologists are Boring Pricks with Beards).

Giant Wonka Truck

In the tradition of the Big Pineapple (also big and yellow) a haulpak was painted yellow and Wonka was written on its side (it was originally supposed to be Tonka but got changed to Wonka after a lawsuit by Hasbro. A lawsuit by Wonka chocolates and the estate of the late Roald Dahl is also pending).

[edit] Tourist Attractions

The tourist slogan for the town of Tom Price is Oasis in the Pilbara. This has been a successful slogan for many years as thousands of music fans flock to the town expecting to see Oasis. All is not lost though as disappointed fans soon discover that the town still has a lot to offer such as The World’s Biggest Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses, a pretend shark fin in the sewerage farm, and the Ark of the Covenant, which is buried under the foundations of the Blockbuster video shop.

[edit] Climate

The annual mean temperature in Tom Price is incredibly mean. It pulls people’s hair and says nasty things like, ‘Go jump off a cliff’ and ‘Get lost dog breath.’ Sometimes the temperature is so brutish it makes people cry.

[edit] Population

3 people. The other 3497 people live in habitable places and only fly to the town when they have to work at the mine.

[edit] Social Underclass

People not employed by the mine such as teachers and police live a hand to mouth existence. Many supplement their incomes by weaving Spinifex grass into Panama hats (see Panama hats originated in Tom Price not Panama).

[edit] Shops

Vital items such as beer and Jack Daniels can be bought at the Tom Price Liquorland. For less essential items such as toilet paper and soap there is a department store called Kmart, situated in the town of Karratha, only 42 hours drive away. The nearest cappuccino can be found in Sydney, 6 987 kms away.

[edit] Accomodation

Karijini Lodge

Karijini Lodge Motel

Karijini Motel Hotel

Karijini Lodge Motel Hotel

Karijini Lodge Hotel Motel Ski Holiday Resort Steam Yurt

[edit] Famous People from Tom Price

• Jamie Durie, famous US gardening celebrity
• Crusher, Australia’s biggest feral
• Superman, Man of Steel (sorry that was really bad)