Tom Ellard

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Mrs. Ethel Schwug.

Thomas Temple Ellard, known as Tom S. Ellard (born 1762, died 1538 and unexpectedly returned three days later) also known as The Celery Stalker to members of the Sydney electronic music scene, as a homage to Carlos The Jackal, is an electronic musician (no, really), core of the mega super pop group Severed Heads (666-2008), and creator and director and destroyer of, a website for alternative methods of music distribution and creation. Whilst running the Sevcom mega empire, he has detonated millions of roubles towards shelters for homeless cats, dogs, wombats and mad stingrays. An early enthusiast of sampling, Tom used sound sources as varied as watermelons, dust, pigs, fine tooth combs, beaks, pastries, eggnog, larger, teacakes, applebaums, roostriches, callipers, rubberbands, the pope's rap album and Genesis P.Orridge's tits. Ellard is the inventor of the "atomic 'optional' enema", and he resides in Kidney, Australia.

edit The pediatric wars

On the 19th of September 2006, Tom Ellard made an appearance in Jimipedia. Crowds all over the world as we know it vigorously contributed the entry. 28 hours later the site was vandalised by Adolf A. Karott. Four days later the stuff had crawled here via space-time continuum wormhole. 29 hours later The Administration of Uncyclopedia promised that heads will fall in one week.

edit Veggae musik

Tom "Pumpkin" Elwood is often cited as the mother of celery music, followed by legion of veggie musicians, like Smashing Pumpkins and Kumquat. In fact Mr Ellard is the head of VLF (Vegetable Liberation Front), because he thinks it is absolutely barbaric to chew living creatures. He has been observed releasing pumpkins to roam free, and he also has recorded songs together with vegetables.

edit Carry My Books

Some correspondents have actually claimed that all of Ellard's best work (after the firing of tape manipulator, Dean Martini) is done in collaboration with a ginger cat, Ray Bradbury. However the ginger cat has refused to confirm or deny these claims. Tom recently admitted that his on going fiendship with Stephen M. Jones, not to be confuddled with older, balder and slightly thinner Stephen R. Jones (co-developer of the Transcranial magnetic stimulation technique) has probably helped produce the most impotent work of his career.Tom discovered early on that a tape loop can be anything you want it to be, this revelation led to the daring if not charming Frothing Chops for Fizzy Knickers an early masterclass in tape music composition. Now sadly deleted, the first editions can fetch up to four figures on e-bay.

edit I Have No Shoulders

When his creative muse strikes, Mr Ellard dons his air pumps, suspenders, and Devo energy dome helmet and spends hours hunched over a red hot Tesla coil making pumping house music tunes, which he releases under aliases created from anagrams of the words "Maggie Honey, you must look to the Future!". You'll hopefully never see Tom Ellard in the same room as top industrial all-female band PespiNarcolepsi, which debut album "Led Zeppelin" he produced. To thank him the girls covered Sev's first planetary hit: "Don't Saxophone". But the biggest hit though was the Philip Glass ish juggernaut, "Dead Eyes Opened". This tune insured Tom's retirement as it was covered by artists as varied as U2 and Bloodwyn Pig. In 2002, it became the theme for Girls Gone Wild 17.

edit Let Me Get You A Glass Of Water

In April 24th 2006 the kidney dance, as shown in Ellard's video presentation "Your kidneys", became hugely popular, causing occidental tourists to send their kidney dance clips all over the world in Youtube webpage. Unfortunately, the black humour of an 'international superstar producer (here we go...)' with serious alcohol addiction problems, creating such a phenomenal piece of musical paradox is lost on the majority of the 'early adopters'.

edit I Got An Audience

Ellard is believed to be the evil mastermind behind the 'Duck Truck of the Apocalypse' - a mercenary mobile street 'cleaning' company, with shadowy connections to Welsh Rarebit.He also claims to have built his house entirely from the shells of walnuts.

The Duck Truck of the Apocalypse

400 years ago Ellard was a member of English folk band The Moths (who also included Tim Finn prior to his formation of Split Enz) playing mandolin and banjo. During that time, The Moths had constantly gigged around Sherwood Forest and Windsor Castle receiving critical acclaim from the likes of King Harold and Robin Hood and often encountering bows and arrows from the audience (they did not have beer bottles then).

edit Aircrafts Carry Your Head

Severed Heads are renowned for their use of video projections during live performances. It has been rumoured that they turn up, demand copious amounts of cous-cous, pita bread, balsamic vinegar, plush toys and vaseline on their rider whilst simply pressing play on a Ferguson Videostar Betamax Recorder during the gig. Further rumours that a deal has been struck to use state of the art 'cd-rom' in future performances have been strongly denied by their spokespeople who state that this new technology has still to prove itself and they will continue to rely on the the in-house 'eight track' sytem.

edit My Bones Are Bars Of Steel

During the only U.K performance of their Syndey Biennale Installation, "Maximum Roosting Potential" at the Albert Dock, Liverpool, Steven R. Jones famously streaked his way on to the infamous floating weather map from the This Morning TV Show whereupon he was wrestled on to the Northern Ireland section by weatherman Fred Talbot. Tabloid reports followed with rumours of Mr. Jones having a relationship with Judy Finnegan. In response, broadcaster Richard Madeley had threatened to forcibly insert a KROQ Polysics synthesizer within then vicinity of specific anatomical regions of Mr Jones' body where solar radiation rarely (if ever) is deemed to be present.

edit Elephantard

After winning the ARIA award for Best Motion Picture Soundtrack Used In A Motion Picture, for their soundtrack to the Drew Carey epic American Bukkake 85 , they are working on an adaptation of cult TV show H.R. Pufnstuf on ice.

edit Brain

When not trying to blow the the creative muse out of his sinus cavity, where she got lodged in a serious binge episode in 1932, Mr. Ellard teaches micro courses using mini books for tiny people. He shares his vast love and copious knowledge of wine and cheese, pouring hydrochloric acid on it, and stuffing it in his underpants. These courses can be yours for a remarkably low, low price (he pays you to attend) at Evonne Goolagong University.

edit Cabala

"Thomas Temple Ellard" is, of course, an anagram of "Illuminati, Arse Feck".

edit Pilots Hate You

Severed Heads' official fanclub is called Tom Tom Club, whose current lifetime vice president is Clifford Frantz Ferdinand and address Poste Restante, Bermuda. For 50 Kopeks (cash only) your membership package includes: an autographed picture of Tom in lederhosen, a CD of outakes from Clifford Darling, a "Cliffords Do It Wetter" t-shirt, an authentic piece of a reel-to-reel recorder, which was smashed in the riot that occurred during that Melbourne gig in 1982, and the lyrics sheet for My ATM.

edit The Seeds That I Have Spread

Fascinated by the adventures of Tom Ellard, Doctor Who wrote a robot opera "Tommy".

edit A brief history of El Lard

Tom Ellard's public career begun in late fifties with his soundscore for Colin Mckenzie's motion picture "Confidence", which tells about four lads who go canoeing on Murray River, where they get in serious troubles with local yahoo tribe, that has come from outerspace. Hardly no-one nowadays recalls the main theme "The add I is open, Ed" - mostly because up to this day no living creature has figured any sense on that title - but there hardly is a person along modern day's market economy who did not recognise the duelling banjo solo of that song.

Supported by the royalties and motion picture experience, in the 1964's Ellard got an idea of combining audiomagnetic tape with 16mm film camera to create the first ever music videos. He called this brand spanking videosynthesizer "Voog". He continued his experiments, and Voog was soon followed by larger "Megavoog" videosynth, that occupied one average bungalow, and even larger "Gigavoog" synth, that occupied an area of several blocks. Unfortunately, by then, much smaller VCR system was invented, and Tom's revolutionary reputation as a video pioneer was largely forgotten.

In 1972 Don Ellard begun experimenting with sounds of nature. His grand idea was to release a four cd box, one cd describing one season. The idea was quite revolutionary, as back in the early seventies no-one had heard of compact discs. The box was with work title "Sonic seasonings". Ellard, however, canceled the plan, as there only exists one season, called yoompteyemt, in Ozralia. Anyhow, Ellard utilized these ideas decades later: the "seasoning" was used as salad dressing for "Cuisine", and Ellard's bird noise recordings occur on his late "Over Barbeque Island" album... sorry, bit stream.

In late seventies, after 42 years in show business, young Ellard was very aware of his meaning for pop muzik as a whole, and decided to turn the concept upside down: he begun creating the next album by giving first a name to it, then thinking the song titles, and last of all composing it from the end to the beginning. This devolutionary album (as opposed to "revolution") was titled "Am I not Cliff? -I am rich!". However, the album did not sell that much and Tom had to sell all his gear, plus one of his kidneys, to continue making music. Next he had to hit the road, and so he traveled around the world, playing with all trash he could grab: kettles, barrels, celeries... In Berlin his performance inspired teenage Robert "Murdoc" Görl; in Rottendam young Patrick "Mahon" Codenys soaked Kriek in Sevconcert; in Toronto assembly Bill Bleeb was high with Molson on the front line; and in Chic-A-Go a budding new white rap artist Alien "Yo" Gensen decided to quit rap and switch on this sallad, pot & kettle music (hint, hint: what do we get by abbreviating words "sallad", "pot" & "kettle"?!). So, Tom Ellard can be said to be the father of industrial music. In Vienna the celery part caused unknown women & men to start with Das Erste Wiener Gemüseorchester, who play with vegetables.

Touring around the world on next-to-nothing budget provided Tom with plenty of memoirs, although -being an Ozralian on regular beer diet- he did not remember much after the post-gig parties. Luckily he was constantly videotaping his surroundings, and so he could later write a booklet "Lonely around the planet on a shoestring". Molvanian immigrant Santo "Zlad" Cilauro made a fortune when he started to make money with this travel guide concept. Such was Mr Cilauro's profit, that eventually the Commonwealth could send him back to Molvania for his own cost.

As all bands in the 1980's were busy composing the best musik ever with cool new toys like Casio VL-Tone and Hahaha synthesizer, also Tom set his goal high to create the g'daymit best eighties album with future technology. He locked himself in his Cliff Claff Studio, which was odd thing to do, because the future tech he was using was a Nokia mobile phone. It was to be the first ever album composed with ringtones on a custombuilt dentaku - the long waited album named "Tekno Op". However, after finishing the creation, Ellard had to travel to Sun Francisco to record the album. Unluckily on that flight it was (for the first time in history) noticed, that using mobile phone during flight causes jets to orienteer right into Bermuda Triangle, and Tom's cellphone was confiscated and he never ever saw it again. Lucky enough, the plane landed in Shreveport (LA) before getting too far off. There Tom had a quick meeting with Sevcom's Unitedstatesian agent JR "Bob" Dobbs, and soaked loads of Abita Turbo Dog with the residents in local pub. Nevertheless Ellard was so positively pissed off by US Forces, that after returning to down under he wrote a Bermuda Triangle -inspired tango. However, this event made Thomas T. Ellard a pioneer of flight industry, too, because since the incident mobile phones (and later everything else) were prohibited to enter an airplane. Plus, Tom's Nokia was used as an evidence by the 911 conspiracy proclaimers, that phone calls from flying jets are impossible to perform.

So it was not a surprise that in the 1990's Mr Ellard had had enough of communicating with people face-to-face, and he decided to invent internet. It was Sevcom who provided the first ever chatroom on the net. The western media, however, neglected this fact, because back in those dark ages of last millennium Ozralia was thought to locate in the Eastern Hemisphere, "somewhere in there outback of beyond between Tuvalu & Finland". So, for the first five years it was just Tom chatting to himself there.

With new millennium dawning, winds of change swept the history away and suddenly Thomas T. Ellard, due to his amazing nerdy gadget wizardry, became a cheered national hero of Aussie hi-tech scene. This is mostly because in the early 00's AU was connected with broadband to EU & US, and at last the western community became aware of Ellard's influence all over the pop music scene. He became a popular lecturer on Kraftwerk, The Residents, Devo and burning down universities. Ellard continued his musical ambitions with new age experiments: He figured an idea of several decades long continuous recording "Karri trees growing", whose basic soundscape would literally be the sound of giant eucalypt trees growing. Unfortunately not even Cliff Claff studio's Teravoog multimediacomputer was not cabable to handle all the data of this biggest show on Earth, and Tom had to "cut the tree" in much, much smaller branches, like "Over Barbeque Island", a soothing relaxation for over 42 minutes.

Currently Tom Ellard is a senile lecturer in Opera Company Of Tibet, where he this week (according to principal Flagoon), instead of lecturing, is preparing a Pet Shop Boys cover album. In 2007 came out "Tuba Dinner Helper" 45 Sev classics recorded with wind instruments, for the first time Tom collaborated with his Twister 5 posters who provided the 52 oboe back-up band. The album came with a mock Herb Alpert-like cover featuring Tom covered in whipped cream.

edit When Tom did not meet George

During George W. Bush's 2007 visit to Sydney, Ellard was questioned for six hours by local law enforcement before being turned over to the CIA, after it had transpired that the suspect was the leader of a group with the topical name Severed Heads, whose video imagery centers on buildings, planes and pilots. One video in particular, The Wing of the Plane, is eerily reminiscent of the 9/11 scenario (called "11/6" down under - that is why it took years from CIA to track Mr Al-Lard). Investigators are now looking into the group's online forum, which discusses what it terms "Space nazis" as well as tips on various "devices". Also all viewers of this webspace are being viewed by Central Insanity Agency.

edit Severed Heads discography

Nose Bitten, 1960

That Fucken Rare Wobbly Cassette, 1960

Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!, 1962 (16 rpm record)

Ralf And Florian Own Me Money, 1963

Blubber Walrus Sandwich, 1965

Since The Autobahn, (with Jeff Koons) 1966

Videoactivity, 1967

Trance-Ozrail Express, (with the Soviet Army chorus) 1968

The Clifford-Machine, 1969

Plopworld, 1969 1/2

Electric Cuisine, Tom Ellard's 1970's reunion

The Oops 9.9.9, Tom Ellard's 1980's re-reunion

"Much About Coil Stoves" 1986 (unreleased recordings that never existed including the track 'Potato' that was never written)

"Cantankerous Watermelons" 2015 (re-release of the 1974 album that was never written, recorded or produced)

Exop 2000, Tom Ellard's 1990's rere-reunion (actually this fullsize cd album was a jingle ordered from Mr Ellard for the major Ozralian megahappening, The Dingo Fair)

Tour De Kidney Soundtracks, Tom Ellards 2006's rerere-reunion (and with one of the guys from Coldplay).

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