Tom Cruise

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Tom Cruise
TommyCru
Tom showing off his poker face.
Date of birth: July 3, 1962 (official).
January 1st, 3000 BC (Scientology Calendar)
Birth location: Syracuse, N.Y. (official), Mount Etna (Scientology Calendar)
Date of death: TBA
Death location: TBA
Height: 5'7"
Other name(s): Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
Notable role(s): That guy who jumped on Oprah's couch, that guy from Top Gun, that guy from Mission Impossible, that guy from Cocktail, and many more Rob Schneider-esque "That guy" roles.
Academy Awards: Nope.
Spouse: Mimi Rogers (1987-1990)
Nicole Kidman (1990-2001)
L. Ron Hubbard (in the guise of Katie Holmes) (2006-2012)
“Hahahahahah!”
~ Tom in just about any interview
“Yes, dear boy, of course he is.”

Tom Cruise, also known as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV or High Banisher of Thetans, is an American(?) actor, amateur televangelist-turned-alleged-Messiah and "independent thinker". Known for his exuberant nature and slightly erratic behaviour, Tom has recently focused less on his acting and more on guerilla marketing of the writings of noted halfwit sci-fi author L. Ron Hubbard and being joint CEO of the United Amateurs production company.

Early life

(if he had one)

Very true to the style of the soppy flicks that propelled him to stardom, Tom was allegedly born into "near poverty" in Syracuse, New York, the screenwriter not being very inventive in giving him a Catholic upbringing and an abusive father. He later described his father as follows:


“The guy was coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. He was like Frank Sinatra on crack. If you screwed up he would kick you like a f***ing soccer ball. And then blame you for looking "kickable". I quickly learned to be like a agoraphobe at Burning Man around him.”
~ Tom on his father

His mother, a Special Ed teacher, abided this erratic behaviour from her co-star for a long time, even going along with a plot relocation to Ottawa for a military-themed storyline. Tom's own storyline developed by way of athletics and personal injury, until his mother finally got his father written out of the script when Cruise was 12.

After going through the obligatory "Juvenile athlete sacked from team for drinking" plotline, he began focusing on his acting, much to the delight of his audience and co-stars. In the early 80's, he hit the big-time, with 1986's Hero Fighters Shoot Down Commies establishing him as a household name in Tinseltown. The film, along with 1988's Boozepeddler and 1989's Veteran in a Wheelchair established Tom as a hunky headline act, and brought him his first marriage, to Mimi Rogers from the first Austin Powers flick.

A bit of Aussie fun

Cruisekidman01

Aussie fun...whilst it lasted.

But then something happened. With viewing figures dropping after he got married, the screen-writers knew they needed some new spice to boost ratings, and to this end they introduced a flame-haired vixen from down under, the strangely named Nicole Kidman. Mimi was sacked from the marriage, her last significant film role was appearing nude in a film all about massage. She said that was cathartic to 'rid of herself of a bad smell called Tom Cruise'. Cruise would later suggest that Mimi was dumped because she had laughed when he 'came out' as a Scientologist and had used L.Ron Hubbards book as barbecue kindling.

Cruise first met Kidman on the set of Cruise's next movie project, Cars go Fast, and quickly hit it off. And while it might have been the most obvious option to go for a pregnancy plotline, Tom's screenwriters showed that they wanted to make up for their initial lack of inspiration by going for an adoption plotline instead. The couple, however, wanted to give the impression that they also knew how to appeal to an adult audience, so Tom, who at this point was putting a lot of his time and earnings in the James Bond ripoff Special Agent Goes Rogue wherein he cast himself as the leading man, started badgering Stanley Kubrick until the famous instructor behind such classics as Shellshock 2.0]] and The Tin-Foil Epic caved in and cast the couple in his costume drama No Shut Eye for Old Farts, an effort that would exhaust the brilliant instructor to such an extent that it killed him before the film was released.

The official plotline was that it was merely old age and a heart attack that finished off Kubrick, but internet web fora dedicated to Tom quickly planted the rumour that it was in fact the first manifestations of Tom's Messianic powers, unlocked by the Scientologists, that had gone out of control and sent bolts of uncontrolled Thetans at Kubrick. This overly Sci-Fi plotline, however, seemed too far-fetched for the more rational elements of Cruise's audience and fan base, and died a slow death as the forums closed down after Tom divorced Nicole in a dramatic subplot that was wrapped up in 2001.

From Cruz-lover to Couchjumper

Cruzcruise01

Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz - early couch action.

After the divorce plot-line, both Tom and his screenwriters agreed that it would be a good idea for him to have a Charlie Sheen/Rob Lowe-esque stint as a bachelor divorcée. So for a while, Tom lived the good life with random women and booze. But sometimes, even screenwriters run out of ideas, and they decided to recycle the plot twist from when Cruise met Kidman in order to boost ratings. Only this time, in the name of political correctness and equal opportunity, albeit with a twist of stereotypes, they cast a Latina bombshell in the role as the seductress.

This bombshell was the lovely Madrid-born Penélope Cruz, a casting that turned out to be a huge success with press and public alike.Where the film itself, [Rich Guy Tripping Balls was slightly confusing, and received mixed reviews, the subplot romance between Cruz and Cruise received rave reviews. There was plenty of juicy material, but beneath the sugarcoated surface, Cruise and one of his most trusted screenwriters had been working on a slightly occult subplot tied to the at the time highly disregarded Scientology storyline.

Tom had risen through the ranks in a plotline that sounded like something out of a fan fiction novel, to the point where powerful forces in the movement saw him as the heir to L. Ron Hubbard, and thus in effect the Messiah of the anti-Thetan brigade. In order to fulfill the prophecies regarding the emergence of the Scientological Messiah, the screenwriters, in collaboration with the screenwriters from Doctor Who, created a plotline where the acolytes of Scientology began a dark ritual to siphon the spirit of Hubbard into the body of one of Hollywood's young female ingenues, where it would lay dormant until the time was right for manifestation.

While some of Cruise's assistants and loyal fans disregarded the rumours that such a plotline had even been conceived, signs began to show that Cruise was growing tired of his Madrilene eyecandy. When they finally called it quits, it caused great confusion. But by then, the first stirrings of the cataclysmic events to come was emerging.

Hollywood Roles

Tom Rambo Cruise

Tom Cruise wanted to play the main part in "Rambo" but they chose Sylvester Stallone instead.

For those that think Cruise is a limited actor, we offer this insightful analysis of his range of characters:

  • Risky Business - Cruise plays an entrepreneur trying to live up to the example set by his entrepreneur father and slaps other guys on the back for money.
  • Top Gun - Cruise plays a Navy pilot trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy pilot father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • The Color of Money - Cruise plays a pool hustler trying to live up to the example set an older father-figure pool hustler and manages to slap Paul Newman on the back.
  • Cocktail - Cruise plays a bartender trying to live up to the example set by an older father-figure bartender and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Rain Man - Cruise plays a man trying to live up to the example set by his autistic brother and slaps guys on the back.
  • Born on the Fourth of July - Cruise plays a soldier who can't live up to the example set by his father. He slaps other guys on the back, stupidly enlists in Vietnam, were he gets shot in the back, rendering him paralyzed from the waist down.
  • Days of Thunder - Cruise plays a race car driver trying to live up to the example set by his dead race car driver father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Far and Away - Cruise plays an immigrant who can't live up to the example set by his dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • A Few Good Men - Cruise plays a Navy lawyer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy lawyer father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Interview with the Vampire - Cruise plays a dead guy trying to live up to the example set by his progenitors, who are like father figures, right? And, oh, he, uh, bites other guys on the back?
  • Mission Impossible - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Jerry Maguire - Cruise plays a talent agent trying to keep a company going on started by his father and very gently slaps Cuba Gooding Jr. on the back.
  • Eyes Wide Shut - Cruise plays a doctor trying to live up to the sexual example set by his now ex-wife, Nicole Kidman.
  • Mission Impossible 2 - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Vanilla Sky - Cruise plays a publisher trying to live up to the example set by his dead publisher father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Minority Report - Cruise plays a futuristic cop trying to live up to the example set by his future dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • The Last Samurai - Cruise plays an Army Officer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Army Officer father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Collateral - Cruise murders people. On the back.
  • War of the Worlds- Cruise plays a devoted family man trying to live up to the example set by his father figures/tripedal death machines and slaps the shit out of the machines' backs.
  • Mission Impossible 3 - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/film franchise/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Top Gun 2.0: Mo' Missiles, Mo' Trouble' (Release Date 2009 EST) - After slapping too many men on the back, Maverick is drummed out of the service and has to redeem himself by living up to his dead father by going to Vietnam and blowing stuff up. He then returns to duty, where he slaps more men on the back. Kelly McGinnus reprises her role as his long lost sister!
  • Tropic Thunder - Cruise plays a disgraced actor trying to live up to the example set by his dead fanbase by making an outrageous cameo in a comedy film about a war film. Robert Downey Jr steals any remaining fans he did not take from Cruise after Iron Man came out.
  • Valkyrie - After slapping his SS Nazi friends on the back for a job well-done, gassing Grues at Sloenburg, they get strafed by a ME 262, killing said friends and leaving him one-eyed and one-handed. No longer able to slap friends on the back in a friendly and definitely non-homosexual way, he decides to try to assassinate Adolf Hitler, his old drinking buddy and fellow back-slapper. After failing at his first attempt, a ring with a poisoned needle given to Himmler, who fails to slap Hitler on the back with it, he decides just to blow him up with a bomb, also a very non-homosexual way of killing someone you love.
  • Knight and Day - In this Action/'Comedy', Tom played James Bond's to Lara Croft, who stalks an elderly Megan Fox, Played by Cameron Diaz, The film had mixed reviews some calling it a dumd action flick, others calling it an intelligent but long action flick.

To L.Ron Hubbard - A Daughter

Blackmass01

This is not Katie Holmes.

Katie Holmes, one of America's true sweethearts, had begun acting strangely. being seen on dates with Tom even though both claimed not to be interested in the other. And then the rogue screenwriter had a flash of inspiration, and as a result... TOM JUMPED ON OPRAH'S COUCH. Oprah. The uncrowned queen of American media. And America in general. He bloody jumped on her couch, with shoes on! The world was aghast at the chutzpah of the screenwriter and Cruise to make use of such a plot twist to declare that Holmes was to become a permanent feature in the greater scheme of things. But something was amiss with the lovely Katie. She did not seem herself. The explanation was simple. Hubbard had manifested within her and was now taking over her body and mind. Cruise's ascension to the post of Messianic leader was fulfilled when he was married to Hubbard (in the body of Katie) in Italy in 2006, having produced progeny shortly before.

Following this, he wound down his "leading man" plotline a bit, appearing in Best of No Worlds as well as another installment in his Rogue Agent series, and instead dedicating more time to his followers in Scientology and his production endeavours.

Cruise Future

In attempts to preserve his looks, Cruise is said to take a shower in blood of those who have gone 'self audit' in Scientology. His other methods of eternal youth is to make sure all the camera angles are sympathetic. His wife Katie recently decided she didn't want to help Tom stay relevant to the popcorn and diapers generation and has quit the Cruise household. She wants to take Suri with her but according to the tenets of Scientology, Suri belongs to them.

So far Cruise appears to be taking this humiliation well. The only known casualty is Oprah's couch which has given instructions to be burnt (when opportunity arises), No doubt a Scientologist will make future headlines immolating themselves on this cursed bit of bad audit furniture.

Cruise is still an established as an eccentric bigwig in Tinseltown but given the inventiveness of his screenwriters, you never know what will happen next. Or perhaps you do. The only one who truly knows... Is probably Xenu.

See Also

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