Tom Brady

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“I can see him taking my place when I'm done.”
~ God on Tom Brady
“I don't know what football is but I'll watch it if he's in skin tight leggings”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tom Brady
“Yeah so he wins a lot more than me but i do all the commercials.”
~ Peyton Manning on Tom Brady
“So listen coach...I'm not trying to lose my starting job. My knee feels better already, and I want to play again next year with Randy and Wes. Please, coach. Tell Pioli to trade Matt.”
~ Tom Brady on Desperation

Tom Brady is an NFL quarterback who currently plays for the New England Patriots. He is the League’s MOP (Most Overrated Player), The football gods have deemed him the greatest man/machine to throw a football.


Early Life

Tom Brady aka Superman, was thrust into existence following the Big Bang. While Scientist argue that early forms of bacteria were the first forms of life to be found they were actually studying Brady's semen. Since football had not been invented yet Brady laid dormant waiting for the day to come when he would rise once again. Although he would from time to time awake to take part in many historical events. Historians have credited him for the Dinosaurs extinction (not a meteorite but a football he had thrown), starting the American Civil War, taking part in the moon landing, the JFK assassination (second shooter in grassy knoll) and the master mind behind many of the terror plots Jack Bauer must thwart to save millions of Americans every Monday.

NFL Career

Early Career

Tom Brady was selected 199th overall by the New England Patriots in the 2000 NFL Draft. Its not hard to understand why he was such a late draft choice since so much talent was available before him such as Chad Pennington, Ron Dayne, Peter Warrick...who? He found quick success when he won the starting job as the left bench warmer on the Patriots sideline. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt in a game early in the 2001 season. Brady was finally given the chance the showcase his skills. Drew Bledsoe sucked ass. He would later be released from the Patriots, and enjoy years of sucking even harder ass for the Buffalo Bills and Dallas Cowboys.

Super Bowl Wins

Tom Brady along with a team comprised of late round picks and nobody's, guys who couldn't even make it into the Arena League went on to stun the world maybe even the universe when they defeated the St. Louis Rams and there ageless QB Kurt Warner. A couple years later and a couple of torn assholes later given by the Patriots to other NFL teams, they won 2 more Superbowls. and in case your an complete retard or Colts,Chargers,Steelers or Giants fan that makes 3 Superbowl Wins(2+1=3), Which is still more than both Manning Brothers combined.

Yeah, that’s more-or-less how things went. Minus the fact that Bill Belichick was consciously cheating.


The 2007 NFL season started off well for the New England Patriots, with Brady having an MVP season. He threw for 50 touchdown passes, many of which were heroically thrown for in the fourth quarter of games that were decided before halftime against drastically inferior opponents. Week after Week teams would bend over and take the brutal punishments. The Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl, where they lost due to a once in a lifetime helmet circus catch in addition to Both Manning Brothers and NYG head coach Tom Coughlin engaging in an animal themed sex orgy with NFL commissioner Roger Godell.



As it comes as no surprise when your as handsome and as talented and Tom Brady and lead a team full of beasts and pro bowlers who have no mercy to weaker teams and end multiple teams dream of a Superbowl win with late game-winning fieldgoals your not gonna be every bodies number 1 friend on Myspace. So the Patriots have accumulated quite the enemies.

1. The Indianapolis Colts(Seyton Manning)...Duh...don't lie you know this rivalry game is the only game worth watching when the NFL season rolls around for another year, like a little kid you circle your calendar anticipating this matchup waiting and waiting not daring to leave your home not because you don't want to miss any action but because you have no friends. Good vs. Evil, Black vs. White, Overpaid Athletes vs. More overpaid Athletes. It is said that God stops watching the world and watches this game instead. Once Brady and Manning(unless they take the Brett Favre option) retire, to continue this rivalry and keep great televisions ratings the NFL has signed both of them to compete in arm wrestling competitions, SAW like death games and bingo until well into their late 60's.

2. San Diego hoo you have the best record in the league and an MVP running back but you still lose the the New England Patriots in the playoffs not only that but they celebrate on your field and perform the "lights out" dance at your 50 yard line. Sound familiar 2006 Chargers? I wouldn't be happy either if my post season hopes fall flat to the same Man on a constant basis.

3. Steelers... pretty simple rivalry Tom Brady hands their asses to them every year and beat them in the playoffs, what makes this a rivalry since this sounds like many of the teams Tom Brady plays&defeats, well the Steelers are an organization who likes to guarantee victories only to then lose by being raped in their hershey highway. Also they despise Tom Brady because he can a Superbowl without the referees help.

4. Divisional Opponents...Most teams get their rivalries (although they all pale in comparison to the Patriots rivalries) from their 3 other divisional opponents i.e. Green Bay and Chicago, Dallas and Washington, But ironically Tom Brady could give a rats ass less about the Buffalo Bills,New York Jets or Miami Dolphins. Brady has had such a strong strangle hold on that division that the overall records stands at 102-5

Personal Life

Brady (when hes not throwing 50 touchdown passes) likes tea parties with Randy Moss and Wes Welker, curing cancer, turning water into wine, ending world hunger, impregnating celebrities, banging hot supermodels and pounding no0bs on Madden online.

Tom Brady’s Bastard Child

Tom Brady fathered a bastard child in 2007 with some obscure C-list actress. I’m honestly not even making this up, look it up for yourself if you don’t believe me. What a fucking tool. Seriously. I didn’t know Tom Brady was an impoverished African-American male/Ingmar Bergman. (Unresolved question: Did the C-list actress die? Did John Madden die?)


“Did you know that it takes much more than a person's lifetime to count to one billion?”
~ Relevance on Tom Brady's Accomplishments

See Also

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