Tom Brady

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{{Q|I can see him taking my place when I'm done.|God|Tom Brady}}
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[[Image:Brady1.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Bull. Fucking. Shit.]]
{{Q|I don't know what football is but I'll watch it if he's in skin tight leggings|Oscar Wilde|Tom Brady}}
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'''Tom Brady''' is fucking bullshit. Seriously.
{{Q|Yeah so he wins a lot more than me but i do all the commercials.|Peyton Manning|Tom Brady}}
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{{Q|So listen coach...I'm not trying to lose my starting job. My knee feels better already, and I want to play again next year with Randy and Wes. Please, coach. Tell Pioli to trade Matt.|Tom Brady|Desperation}}
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I honestly don't want to talk much after [[Peyton Manning|what happened last time]], so yeah. Sorry. But honestly, sometimes that guy just makes me '''so fucking mad'''. I mean just ''look'' at 'im! He's ain't a '''football player''', he's a ''prettyboy pansy-ass '''faggot''''', that's what he is! '''[[Jesus|Jesus ''fucking'' Christ]]'''! “''Oh, I'm so great, I won three [[Super Bowl|Super Bowls]], ooo-ooo-ooooo.''” Fuck you. And fuck Tom Brady.
'''Tom Brady''' is an NFL quarterback who currently plays for the [[New England Patriots]]. He is the League’s MOP (Most Overrated Player), The football gods have deemed him the greatest man/machine to throw a football.
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[[Image:Tabrady.jpg|right|thumb|So you didn't know he was a god?]]
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[[Beer]] me.
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Thanks.
   
 
==Early Life==
 
==Early Life==
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So, basically, Tom Brady is just bullshit. That's all you need ta’ know.
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I mean, c’mon! He ain’t even a real [[football]] player! And people who like him ain’t even real football fans, for fuck’s sake! He plays in ''New England''; people there don't know shit about anything! Ya wanna know how stupid people in New England are? They all voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]]. Yeah. Need I say more? There all a bunch’a’ America-hatin’ [[Socialism|Socialists]]! Oo oo oo, and get ''this'': Tom Brady was born over in [[California|Cali]], the fuckin’ hippie pot homo capital o’ the world! And yet, he plays on a team called The “Patriots.” Ironic, isn’t it?
   
Tom Brady aka Superman, was thrust into existence following the Big Bang. While Scientist argue that early forms of bacteria were the first forms of life to be found they were actually studying Brady's semen. Since football had not been invented yet Brady laid dormant waiting for the day to come when he would rise once again. Although he would from time to time awake to take part in many historical events. Historians have credited him for the Dinosaurs extinction (not a meteorite but a football he had thrown), starting the American Civil War, taking part in the moon landing, the JFK assassination (second shooter in grassy knoll) and the master mind behind many of the terror plots Jack Bauer must thwart to save millions of Americans every Monday.
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==College Career==
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[[Image:Brady2.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Sucks.]]
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Wanna know where this fuckhead played his college ball? ''Michigan'', that’s where! Fuckin’ [[Michigan]]. Anyone who knows anything knows that Michigan fuckin’ sucks balls. Man I can’t wait till we play ’em next year; fuckin’ '''whoop''' there '''bitch asses''' '''AGAIN!''' '''That’s right BAY-BEE!''' '''OHIO STATE!''' '''YEEEEEAH!'''
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'''[[Wife|Darlene]]!''' Don’t fuckin’ talk to me like I’m a fuckin’ child, for fuck’s sake! I’m gettin’ a little tired a’ your shit, hear? Yeah. '''Shut''' the '''fuck''' up.
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Woman needs to learn ’er place. [[Jesus]].
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Beer me again.
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''Ahhhhh''. Nothin’ like a good [[Bud-wise-err|Bud]], I tell ya’ what.
   
 
==NFL Career==
 
==NFL Career==
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I could sum this up in about two words: “bull” and “shit,” but you probably want me to ''EE-lab-er-or-AYTE'' a bit more, so I will.
   
===Early Career===
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===The Draft===
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[[Image:Brady3.jpg|thumb|250px|right|No wonder they took him so high!]]
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Tom Brady was ''so amazing'' comin’ outt’a’ college that a lotta’ scouts had him ''not even being drafted at all''. Probably should’a’ gone that way, too, but he was unfortunately picked up by the [[New England Patriots]] with the 199th overall selection. Naturally, he didn't even play at all, and things were lookin’ to stay that way, too, until that fucker '''lucked right into the starting job'''. '''Bullshit!''' Dude, I need another beer.
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Thanks.
   
Tom Brady was selected 199th overall by the New England Patriots in the 2000 NFL Draft. Its not hard to understand why he was such a late draft choice since so much talent was available before him such as Chad Pennington, Ron Dayne, Peter Warrick...who? He found quick success when he won the starting job as the left bench warmer on the Patriots sideline. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt in a game early in the 2001 season. Brady was finally given the chance the showcase his skills. Drew Bledsoe sucked ass. He would later be released from the Patriots, and enjoy years of sucking even harder ass for the Buffalo Bills and Dallas Cowboys.
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===Taking Over For Drew Bledsoe===
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Then comes the 2001 NFL season. Things are going just fine: Tom Brady’s the backup [[quarterback]]—nowhere near the field—and good ol’ [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drew_Bledsoe Drew Bledsoe's] the starter. Then, on September 23, 2001—I’ll never fuckin’ forget that day, man—Bledsoe’s runnin’ outta bounds, and he gets wailed by some stupid fucker linebacker on the Jets. Causes internal bleedin’. Bledsoe’s knocked out, so they put that scrub Tom Brady in. Then, somehow, Brady leads them to ''an eleven-an’-five season and a first round bye''.
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'''BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.'''
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But that’s nothing—'''nothing'''—compared to the '''bullshit''' that happened next.
   
===Super Bowl Wins===
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===The Tuck Rule Game===
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[[Image:Brady4.jpg|thumb|left|150px|Fuck...]]
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[[Image:Brady5.jpg|thumb|left|150px|...you...]]
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[[Image:Brady6.jpg|thumb|left|150px|...Brady.]]
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So the Pats get a first round bye, right, and they wind up having to play the [[Shit|Raiders]] in the divisional round. The Raiders go up thirteen-three real quick, but that Pats rally back, so now it’s thirteen-ten, and the Pats are driving. They’re just out of field goal range, and Brady drops back to pass. Outta’ nowhere, Charles Woodson—a fuckin’ ''cornerback''—comes up, '''sacks''' Brady, '''jars the ball loose''', ''Raiders'' recover, '''fuck you Patriots'''.
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But no. Oh, no!
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The '''stupid-ass refs''' say that Brady’s arm was ''moving forward'', and that his arm motion indicated “''intent'' to ''pass'',” or some '''shit''', and then ''give the ball back to the Pats!'' '''Are you fucking kidding me!?''' So then these fucks [[Bullshit|kick a field goal]], [[Bullshit|send the game to overtime]], [[Bullshit|win the game]] [[Bullshit|win the Super Bowl]] ''Tom Brady’s a hero oh-man-look-out-here-comes-the-Patriots’-dynasty-oh-man-allbecauseof'' '''ONE BULLSHITFUCKINGCALL!'''
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'''GRAH-ARGGHHH!'''
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No, Darlene! ''You shut '''your''' fucking mouth!'' I’ had '''enough''' a’ your '''shit''', you hear me? Maybe '''this’ll''' teach ya’ to talk to me that way!
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Don't you fuckin’ hit me back! Get the fuck out!
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No, '''you''' get the '''fuck''' out!
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She'll be back. Now where was I? Oh yeah, the Tuck Rule Game. Total Bullshit. Hand me another beer, would ya?
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Thanks.
   
Tom Brady along with a team comprised of late round picks and nobody's, guys who couldn't even make it into the Arena League went on to stun the world maybe even the universe when they defeated the St. Louis Rams and there ageless QB Kurt Warner. A couple years later and a couple of torn assholes later given by the Patriots to other NFL teams, they won 2 more Superbowls. and in case your an complete retard or Colts,Chargers,Steelers or Giants fan that makes 3 Superbowl Wins(2+1=3), Which is still more than both Manning Brothers combined.
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===Subsequent Years===
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So after all that shit, that Pats went on to win two more [[Super Bowl|Super Bowls]], and play in a third, all because of '''ONE BULLSHIT FUCKING CALL'''. It's all such '''fucking bullshit!''' And then in 2007, that Pats just get this super stacked fucking team, and Tom Brady throws for 50 tee-dee passes, and everyone’s like “''oh man he's the greatest quarterback having the greatest season ever, I suck cock''” even though '''it's all BULLSHIT!''' Tom Brady stayed in, guns blazing, in the fourth quarters of games they '''already had won!''' It's bullshit, ''and'' shitty sportsmanship! Manning could’a’ thrown for ''nine'' touchdowns that Thanksgiving against [[Detroit]], but they sat him most of the third and all of the fourth quarter, because [[Peyton Manning|Peyton Manning’s]] a '''real fucking sportsman'''. '''And''' Peyton sat out the last game of the season he broke Marino's record! Tom Brady played every game in 2007, well into the fourth quarter, and only beat Manning's record by '''one fucking touchdown pass'''. Let me ask ya' something, what's more impressive: forty-nine touchdowns in, like, fourteen games, or fifty touchdowns in a full ''sixteen'' games?
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Yeah. I fucking thought so. As far as I'm concerned, [[Peyton Manning|Manning]] '''still''' has the single-season touchdown record. Tom Brady can suck my balls.
   
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===The Injury===
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So, the Pats’ first series of the 2008 season, Tom Fucker Brady got what was comin’ to ’im. He drops back to pass, and then gets wailed in the knee by this guy on the [[Kansas City Royals|Chiefs]]. Rips his fuckin’ ay-see-ell like fuckin’ ''paper''. Knocks him out the whole season. '''SERVES THAT FUCKER RIGHT!''' '''Fuck you, Brady!''' Oh, and then you know what happened!? This Matt Cassel scrub fills in for him, and by his eighth week with the job he's had '''two''' ''back-to-back'' '''three-hundred-yard games'''. Not even Brady could do that! Hah! And this is a guy who hasn't started a game at quarterback ''since fuckin’ [[high school]]!'' It just proves that the Pats either cheat, or have this [[bullshit]] offensive system that makes a superstar outta’ whoever plays kyoo-bee for ’em; it’s [[bullshit]]!
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[[Image:Brady7.jpg|thumb|right|400px|Fuck you!]]
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BULL. FUCKING. '''SHIT!'''
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Oh, hang on, lemme get this phone call.
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Yeah, that’s more-or-less how things went. Minus the fact that Bill Belichick was consciously cheating.
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===2007-2008===
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That was [[wife|Darlene]]. Says she wants a divorce. I'm gonna hafta' go. See ya.
   
The 2007 [[NFL]] season started off well for the New England Patriots, with Brady having an MVP season. He threw for 50 touchdown passes, many of which were heroically thrown for in the fourth quarter of games that were decided before halftime against drastically inferior opponents. Week after Week teams would bend over and take the brutal punishments. The Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl, where they lost due to a once in a lifetime helmet circus catch in addition to Both Manning Brothers and NYG head coach Tom Coughlin engaging in an animal themed sex orgy with NFL commissioner Roger Godell.
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==Other Important Stuff==
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Tom Brady sucks balls. [[Dangerous|Beer for the road]]?
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Thanks, man.
   
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==See Also==
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* [[Peyton Manning]]
===Rivalries===
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* [[New England Patriots]]
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* [[NFL]]
[[Image:SeytonManning.jpg|right|thumb|Tom Brady's #1 Fan]]
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* [[Bullshit]]
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* [[Super Bowl|Bull. Fucking. Shit]]
As it comes as no surprise when your as handsome and as talented and Tom Brady and lead a team full of beasts and pro bowlers who have no mercy to weaker teams and end multiple teams dream of a Superbowl win with late game-winning fieldgoals your not gonna be every bodies number 1 friend on Myspace. So the Patriots have accumulated quite the enemies.
 
 
 
 
 
1. The Indianapolis Colts(Seyton Manning)...Duh...don't lie you know this rivalry game is the only game worth watching when the NFL season rolls around for another year, like a little kid you circle your calendar anticipating this matchup waiting and waiting not daring to leave your home not because you don't want to miss any action but because you have no friends. Good vs. Evil, Black vs. White, Overpaid Athletes vs. More overpaid Athletes. It is said that God stops watching the world and watches this game instead.
 
Once Brady and Manning(unless they take the Brett Favre option) retire, to continue this rivalry and keep great televisions ratings the NFL has signed both of them to compete in arm wrestling competitions, SAW like death games and bingo until well into their late 60's.
 
 
 
 
2. San Diego Chargers...boo hoo you have the best record in the league and an MVP running back but you still lose the the New England Patriots in the playoffs not only that but they celebrate on your field and perform the "lights out" dance at your 50 yard line. Sound familiar 2006 Chargers? I wouldn't be happy either if my post season hopes fall flat to the same Man on a constant basis.
 
 
 
 
 
 
3. Steelers... pretty simple rivalry Tom Brady hands their asses to them every year and beat them in the playoffs, what makes this a rivalry since this sounds like many of the teams Tom Brady plays&defeats, well the Steelers are an organization who likes to guarantee victories only to then lose by being raped in their hershey highway. Also they despise Tom Brady because he can a Superbowl without the referees help.
 
 
 
 
 
 
4. Divisional Opponents...Most teams get their rivalries (although they all pale in comparison to the Patriots rivalries) from their 3 other divisional opponents i.e. Green Bay and Chicago, Dallas and Washington, But ironically Tom Brady could give a rats ass less about the Buffalo Bills,New York Jets or Miami Dolphins. Brady has had such a strong strangle hold on that division that the overall records stands at 102-5
 
 
 
 
==Personal Life==
 
 
Brady (when hes not throwing 50 touchdown passes) likes tea parties with Randy Moss and Wes Welker, curing cancer, turning water into wine, ending world hunger, impregnating celebrities, banging hot supermodels and pounding no0bs on Madden online.
 
 
===Tom Brady’s Bastard Child===
 
 
Tom Brady fathered a bastard child in 2007 with some obscure C-list actress. I’m honestly not even making this up, look it up for yourself if you don’t believe me. What a fucking tool. Seriously. I didn’t know Tom Brady was an impoverished African-American male/[[Ingmar Bergman]]. (Unresolved question: Did the C-list actress die? Did John Madden die?)
 
 
==Accomplishments==
 
 
{{Q|Did you know that it takes much more than a person's lifetime to count to one billion?|Relevance|Tom Brady's Accomplishments}}
 
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
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* [[Peyton Manning]]
 
* [[New England Patriots]]
 
* [[New England Patriots]]
* [[Peyton Manning]]
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* [[NFL]]
* [[Brett Favre]]
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* [[Bullshit]]
* [[John Madden]]
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* [[Super Bowl|Bull. Fucking. Shit]]
* [[Boston]]
 
   
[[Category:Sports]]
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[[Category:Athletes]]
[[Category:People]]
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[[Category:Football]]
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[[Category:Articles about a subject written in the style of fans of the subject]]

Revision as of 23:37, June 16, 2009

Brady1

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

Tom Brady is fucking bullshit. Seriously.

I honestly don't want to talk much after what happened last time, so yeah. Sorry. But honestly, sometimes that guy just makes me so fucking mad. I mean just look at 'im! He's ain't a football player, he's a prettyboy pansy-ass faggot, that's what he is! Jesus fucking Christ! “Oh, I'm so great, I won three Super Bowls, ooo-ooo-ooooo.” Fuck you. And fuck Tom Brady.

Beer me.

Thanks.

Early Life

So, basically, Tom Brady is just bullshit. That's all you need ta’ know.

I mean, c’mon! He ain’t even a real football player! And people who like him ain’t even real football fans, for fuck’s sake! He plays in New England; people there don't know shit about anything! Ya wanna know how stupid people in New England are? They all voted for Obama. Yeah. Need I say more? There all a bunch’a’ America-hatin’ Socialists! Oo oo oo, and get this: Tom Brady was born over in Cali, the fuckin’ hippie pot homo capital o’ the world! And yet, he plays on a team called The “Patriots.” Ironic, isn’t it?

College Career

Brady2

Sucks.

Wanna know where this fuckhead played his college ball? Michigan, that’s where! Fuckin’ Michigan. Anyone who knows anything knows that Michigan fuckin’ sucks balls. Man I can’t wait till we play ’em next year; fuckin’ whoop there bitch asses AGAIN! That’s right BAY-BEE! OHIO STATE! YEEEEEAH!

Darlene! Don’t fuckin’ talk to me like I’m a fuckin’ child, for fuck’s sake! I’m gettin’ a little tired a’ your shit, hear? Yeah. Shut the fuck up.

Woman needs to learn ’er place. Jesus.

Beer me again.

Ahhhhh. Nothin’ like a good Bud, I tell ya’ what.

NFL Career

I could sum this up in about two words: “bull” and “shit,” but you probably want me to EE-lab-er-or-AYTE a bit more, so I will.

The Draft

Brady3

No wonder they took him so high!

Tom Brady was so amazing comin’ outt’a’ college that a lotta’ scouts had him not even being drafted at all. Probably should’a’ gone that way, too, but he was unfortunately picked up by the New England Patriots with the 199th overall selection. Naturally, he didn't even play at all, and things were lookin’ to stay that way, too, until that fucker lucked right into the starting job. Bullshit! Dude, I need another beer.

Thanks.

Taking Over For Drew Bledsoe

Then comes the 2001 NFL season. Things are going just fine: Tom Brady’s the backup quarterback—nowhere near the field—and good ol’ Drew Bledsoe's the starter. Then, on September 23, 2001—I’ll never fuckin’ forget that day, man—Bledsoe’s runnin’ outta bounds, and he gets wailed by some stupid fucker linebacker on the Jets. Causes internal bleedin’. Bledsoe’s knocked out, so they put that scrub Tom Brady in. Then, somehow, Brady leads them to an eleven-an’-five season and a first round bye.

BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.

But that’s nothing—nothing—compared to the bullshit that happened next.

The Tuck Rule Game

Brady4

Fuck...

Brady5

...you...

Brady6

...Brady.

So the Pats get a first round bye, right, and they wind up having to play the Raiders in the divisional round. The Raiders go up thirteen-three real quick, but that Pats rally back, so now it’s thirteen-ten, and the Pats are driving. They’re just out of field goal range, and Brady drops back to pass. Outta’ nowhere, Charles Woodson—a fuckin’ cornerback—comes up, sacks Brady, jars the ball loose, Raiders recover, fuck you Patriots.

But no. Oh, no!

The stupid-ass refs say that Brady’s arm was moving forward, and that his arm motion indicated “intent to pass,” or some shit, and then give the ball back to the Pats! Are you fucking kidding me!? So then these fucks kick a field goal, send the game to overtime, win the game win the Super Bowl Tom Brady’s a hero oh-man-look-out-here-comes-the-Patriots’-dynasty-oh-man-allbecauseof ONE BULLSHITFUCKINGCALL!

GRAH-ARGGHHH!

No, Darlene! You shut your fucking mouth! I’ had enough a’ your shit, you hear me? Maybe this’ll teach ya’ to talk to me that way!

Don't you fuckin’ hit me back! Get the fuck out!

No, you get the fuck out!

She'll be back. Now where was I? Oh yeah, the Tuck Rule Game. Total Bullshit. Hand me another beer, would ya?

Thanks.

Subsequent Years

So after all that shit, that Pats went on to win two more Super Bowls, and play in a third, all because of ONE BULLSHIT FUCKING CALL. It's all such fucking bullshit! And then in 2007, that Pats just get this super stacked fucking team, and Tom Brady throws for 50 tee-dee passes, and everyone’s like “oh man he's the greatest quarterback having the greatest season ever, I suck cock” even though it's all BULLSHIT! Tom Brady stayed in, guns blazing, in the fourth quarters of games they already had won! It's bullshit, and shitty sportsmanship! Manning could’a’ thrown for nine touchdowns that Thanksgiving against Detroit, but they sat him most of the third and all of the fourth quarter, because Peyton Manning’s a real fucking sportsman. And Peyton sat out the last game of the season he broke Marino's record! Tom Brady played every game in 2007, well into the fourth quarter, and only beat Manning's record by one fucking touchdown pass. Let me ask ya' something, what's more impressive: forty-nine touchdowns in, like, fourteen games, or fifty touchdowns in a full sixteen games?

Yeah. I fucking thought so. As far as I'm concerned, Manning still has the single-season touchdown record. Tom Brady can suck my balls.

The Injury

So, the Pats’ first series of the 2008 season, Tom Fucker Brady got what was comin’ to ’im. He drops back to pass, and then gets wailed in the knee by this guy on the Chiefs. Rips his fuckin’ ay-see-ell like fuckin’ paper. Knocks him out the whole season. SERVES THAT FUCKER RIGHT! Fuck you, Brady! Oh, and then you know what happened!? This Matt Cassel scrub fills in for him, and by his eighth week with the job he's had two back-to-back three-hundred-yard games. Not even Brady could do that! Hah! And this is a guy who hasn't started a game at quarterback since fuckin’ high school! It just proves that the Pats either cheat, or have this bullshit offensive system that makes a superstar outta’ whoever plays kyoo-bee for ’em; it’s bullshit!

Brady7

Fuck you!


BULL. FUCKING. SHIT!

Oh, hang on, lemme get this phone call.

...

..

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That was Darlene. Says she wants a divorce. I'm gonna hafta' go. See ya.

Other Important Stuff

Tom Brady sucks balls. Beer for the road?

Thanks, man.

See Also

See Also

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